Roll Call 159!

So very tired. And not happy with work. The whole work thing is like messed up on their parts. I'm 6 months in and just now turning in my application to get a certificate. Which shoulda been on month 2 or 3.

I have a whole bunch of stuff planned. I dont think ima get much from my tax refund cuz my work history. But, dustin will, and I'll get a very tiny bit. So we might do 1 of 2 things. Put that towards debt or down for a house.

But then theres that. The house. I'm gonna do a pre-approval and see how much we can even afford. Then we can start putting down debt and saving up for a house. I think now is the time to know, given how long itll take to save up plus the whole process of buying one. We are thinking a manufactured home. But then we have to buy land.

So we are thinking:

1. Cheap rural land
2. Get usda rural loan
3. And then get a brand new manufactured home.

I read what goes into a manufactured home. And companies around here will do a lot of extra stuff that comes with the price of a home. Plus usda rural loan pays for something, idr, either closing costs or something else, and then low interest rate, etc lots of other things.

We will see. Work as it is...idk...I'm being micromanaged. Plus, just other little things. Plus I'm supposed to have a second PSS there with me, and I dont. And my application isnt even in and it's been 6 months. Like idk. I was ok sitting in my bosses office for the first 3 or 4 months but I'm still doing that. I'm not really working with but a few people, but I'm still considered in training, and idk. Just lots of stuff. It's starting to get to me. And apparently I don't have a few things that everyone there should have. Like a tablet to do work on, for one, which is why I'm sitting at my bosses desk all day twiddling my thumbs, every single day.

But if we have all our debt paid off, and have a child end of this year or beginning of next, then we will have tons and tons of extra money. Like if all our debt is gone, we would have like, idk, maybe 1000 or 1500 extra money a month to use for whatever. And I think that's after groceries and gas. So like after utilities and rent, and then after groceries and gas. So that would be good.

And I'm doing all this other stuff to make extra money like selling my writing basically to major magazines. Getting into the art district here. Writing books, etc.

Lots going on. Plus other minor stuff. Gonna take my cat to the vet for a senior wellness checkup. She will be 15 this year. Nothing's wrong with her. Just want her a lot longer here with me. Doctors and therapy appts, too. Routine appointments. And I'm gonna start going to obgyn for fertility reasons. Etc.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I'm sorry. That post was like ridiculously long.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

You have a lot going on @newtus I think it's good you are making plans for the future and working on how you are going to be able to achieve them. Yeah, work can be boring sometimes, and doesn't always go according to plan. Do you think it will get better there? Like if you hang in there eventually you will get the stuff you are supposed to have? If so it might be worth hanging in there, especially so you can accomplish some of your other goals. But if you don't think like work is going to change, maybe you want to look for something else, or somewhere else to work? I took the job I'm currently at (under the former owner) for a pay that was well below what I'm worth, but it was a foot in the door sort of thing. Fast forward, new owner, and six months in, I'm making $5 more an hour than I was six months ago. So totally worth it for me to hang in there because the company is starting to see my value and what I can bring to the table. Wish you well, HUGS Kit

Thanks for reading and replying!

I dont have too much Hope's for work. I mean 6 months in and it's like this. It's very slow. The whole atmosphere is slow. It's like theres really no real deadlines on anything, like idk, it's highly likely the next 6 months will be this way too. If I relied solely on this job, I would be absolutely nowhere. Which is why I'm doing like stuff outside of work like working with a major magazine and another health company, and then theres a prospect with a second health company. But, being part time here, it's a good chance theres not gonna be a pay raise, not here i dont think with part time. And I dont get benefits here. I find myself a lot of the time sitting around or making casual conversation with coworkers. Very, very slow atmosphere. I was hoping itd be at least average pace, but it's not, for sure!

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

My sister finally got the succulents I sent her, yay! Unfortunately she’s prepping for a colonoscopy today so can’t enjoy them.

Yay!!!!! Prayers still going up from me, for your family.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I'm gonna sit and just read for a bit use focus music.

I ended up watching a podcast.

I can never sit still and just read.. or do something without Satan.. Y'know?

I want to be full of energy and have an ecstatic life full of craziness, destruction and peace.. all for love and tranquillity.. I want action. But I never act. Or do. I idealize.

Donating 99% of my books, I have over a big laundry basket full. Just taking a few autographed books, and the HP series, LotR and the Hobbit with me

Also like 85% of my DVDs

I feel like I have nails in my brain.

Gonna take an olanzepine.

It's like.. We know..

But the thing is, .. We have to become a different person.. Analysing and living life on antipsychotics.. We can't be psychotic.. Even though it feels like truth.

We have to start from the beginning and look for truth. Completely different person.

We stop our meds, come back to the state of truth.. (It's not truth but it feels like truth). We have to blindly look for it like everyone else.. live life..

Then we die happy. Or we can die psychotic. Who knows. All the creativity, the genius.. Sparks of psychosis coming through.. But not when completely knowing the paradox...

I got my hand and cut a line through reality, said "Enough! I want to go back to sanity. To not knowing what I know. To be like everyone else and live life". That's when I finally made truce with both sides! Hopefully I'll be OK now - Especially when the olanzepine kicks in.

So i read a little bit more on the usda loan. Its 0 down payment and very low interest rate, and very low mortgage insurance cost. Which is awesome! So we wouldnt need a down payment to get a house. We are eligible for the loan to. I read the requirements. But only thing I'm concerned about is our debt to income ratio, and our credit. But we will figure that out this Saturday at the appointment we made for the pre-approval process.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

5mg olanzepine kicked in. Feel a bit better. I'm not completely freaking out.

Idek if anyone understands what I say sometimes. I try to entertain my thoughts like an audience thing. Like a comedian trying DMT and they're like "OMG how am I going to explain this to everyone once it's over?" and the DMT says, "No. You're not going to be able to explain this to anyone... just experience, alone.. Only you will know and not be able to translate.."

Another 5mg will kick in and I'll report back. I might be too zombified to write. Idk..

My stomach is irritated. I was eating healthy for weeks, and then I had pizza, and it messed my stomach up.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I wish I could just vegetate watching movies or reading or something but I'm too obsessed with my thoughts. I'm wrecking my own mind by obsessing.

I'll stop don't worry @ people.. I'll be better eventually. I'm just afraid of my future, judgements from people saying I'm not doing enough, too contemplative.. philosophical yet not putting in the work to make art or anything.. I'm like a burning boat, floating on fire.. trying to get to a destination when really it's going to just sink..

Newtus you're doing so good I'm proud of you.

Thank you so much!!!

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

A lot of people can’t eat pizza 🍕

I dont think its pizza. I think it's because I ate pretty darn healthy for like 3 weeks and then I binged on pizza. Cuz i was making like lots of rice, and a lot of meals that were vegetable based. Like spaghetti squash and cauliflower rice. And I was eating a lot of greens, fruit/veggies, and white meat.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I'm not sure about starting school today.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII