Roll Call 163!!! Dancing Chili

No thank god.

It could anything at the moment. He’s had a lot of stress at work. I’m thinking it’s possible it could be an anxiety attack too. With everything at work and in the media.

That’s prob why my dad drinks on his off days cuz he thinks about work and such a high turnover rate there cuz they work people to the bone.

Oh no, I hope he's alright *fingers crossed*

Thank you, me too. I’ve never dealt with a situation like that before. Heart issues don’t run in my family. Only diabetes really.

You've been under so much pressure. I hope you'll feel better soon.

I saw a picture of a tiger and I thought to myself, "How are the zoos doing during coronavirus?"

If you Google "Zoos coronavirus" and articles like these pop up;

"Zoos may not survive the coronavirus pandemic, owner warns ..."

"Zoos are facing financial difficulties due to a drop in visitors and face problems getting food for the animals."

But also;

"Need Something to Stream? Zoos Are Going Digital During ..."

"Australia zoo launches adorable animal livestreams during ..."

I'm gonna look at livestreams of animals before bed.. This whole thing is sad..

Penguins, tigers, koalas etc are sleeping..

I decided to play with my cat.. She's like a little tiger.. I threw money on the floor and she tries to catch it..

I noticed that my cat doesn't know what to do all the time but want my attention. She's very needy.. Then she sleeps, eats, drinks, scratches the carpet..

All these little things that I do are important. I shouldn't focus so much on what other people think and just live in the moment.. But people make it hard.

Cuz my mom was just trying to live in the moment by going for a walk with her friend that got back from Mexico but we were staying 6ft away from each other and we were that caring for each other that we would at least stay that far away the whole time.. But someone drove past us and waved and smiled (She hates them) and started telling everyone that we weren't supposed to be doing that..

So now my mom is arguing with people on social media about the whole thing and becoming stressed. She said she was going to go to sleep 2 hours ago and she works in the morning.. I told her to just look at videos of animals before she goes to sleep.. She won't listen..

When my mom was in the compassion house for breast cancer, she was talking about how if she won the lottery, she would move to Australia and take care of the koalas that were being burned in the fires...

Idk how to deal with life man. I'm gonna watch Geographic on Netflix if there's that and just zone out before I sleep.

My dad came to visit. He said he was riding his motorcycle in Vancouver and it was just dead.. And he didn't "feel it" anymore.. The love.. Humanity.. Just feels crazy..

So whatever

I just found out from fiancé that the baby we were almost needing to adopt at one time. His niece. Her dad is dying from cancer.

For breakfast I made cornbeef hash and scrambled eggs. I didnt have hot sauce for the eggs so I use salsa. All in all it was great I bought like 12 cans of cornbeef hash so I'll be good for quite some time. I also bought a lot of red beans and rice. I bought kielbasa to add into it to give it a bit of a kick. It's nice to see that the things I personally like are still hidden around the grocery store. I'll hae that for dinner. I did a load of dishes as well. I'm going to stay in my room today mostly because im been hogging the living room.

Navigating the grocery store right now is like a scavenger hunt and every time I find something I like i’m like yes!

Yeah, it's crazy what stuff the grocery stores are out of. Not just toilet paper and paper towels, but we couldn't even get hot dogs. I mean really, hot dogs! There wasn't a hot dog, hot link, kibalsa, or anything like that in the whole section. It's like why are people hoarding hot dogs?

I have a telehealth call tonight with my case manager. Looking forward to talking to her, it's been two weeks. Weird how I can miss mental health workers.....I wonder if that makes me weird.

There was no meat period in my store.....

I took a big step yesterday and sent an email to my coworker that is above me in the hierarchy. She and I get along well though. I told her that my depression isn't just depression it's Schizoaffective and how that dx got changed after I was hospitalized. I told her probably too much stuff but it was like I was happy yesterday. Yesterday was two months since I got out of the hospital!

Played some Arkham Horror

Now time for coffee, finishing my book, and then playing the sims 4.

Bf has some sort of reactivated Epstein Barr virus....they’re basically saying it has to do with stress.

Hope he feels better soon SP

Sorry about the BF SP, my Mom had Epstein Barr a long time ago. I was just a child. I just remember her being tired all the time, but obviously more could have been going on. I hope he recovers soon SP! Stay safe! HUGS Kit

So fiancé went to a cardiologist today. I made the appt last night! Like near 11pm! But they are gonna do a full physical on him and his organs, like his kidney and liver and blood. And they are doing a stress test on his heart. He will be exercising on a treadmill. He has 3 tests altogether. Combining all of those things.

I keep having panic attack after panic attack. I had one this morning after I woke up and took anti anxiety pill. Went back to sleep cuz the pill made me tired. Woke up. Then 20 min after I woke up I had another one. Might as well stay asleep all day. Thank god for these days off work even tho I won’t be paid. I got backup money.

It’s just...between my dad being elderly and having to work in a grocery store (he’s at risk for covid), and my fiancé too plus my fiancés new heart issues....and me pretty much losing 600 a month income for awhile....I’m stressed beyond anything. I haven’t been this stressed since my dad had his stroke back in 2013. The panic attacks stopped for like 3 or 4 days and now they are back.

I’m scared and not well right now with my mental health. Anxiety, so much. And my voices are back even I just got my dosage raised like 2 or 3 weeks ago. No delusions I think.

Oh. And I been writing my ***** off. Putting in multiple job applications a day WITH DIFFERENT cover letters. Oh man. AND tending to my side career. Ugh...

I made an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow. I'm gonna lower the Vyvanse to 30mg (Or 30mg of Dexedrine XR) and get a refill of zopiclone.

I'm going to start staying up all night from 3-5am when I'm ready.. Then I won't be using as much zopiclone.

And then my idiopathic hypersomnia/insomnia will be cured maybe.

I think I started having hallucinogen persisting perception disorder attack right before I went to bed last night.

When the zopiclone kicks in, I start to dream while awake before I fall asleep saying things like "I'm 1000x alprazolam now" and then switch to "I'm 1000x zopiclone" and "My pillow is such a beautiful garden.." Stuff like that..

I'm gonna take 1 pill of ashwagandha and l-tyrosine. I just found a reddit post just now saying that they help with HPPD.. So I bought the right stuff.. Because I knew that Vyvanse helps me focus and it's an ego dissolving issue.. And all what Alan Watts said is true.... About how the ego is nothing but focused conscious attention..

When the ego dies, I get panic attacks...

But @ Newtus, your panic attacks could be for a different reason.... I hope they go away soon...