[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
My intent in seeking therapy isn't to deal with the content of my "breakdown" however; it's to deal with the fall-out it produced in some of my most significant relationships.

There was a time when I had a lot more faith in psychology and psychiatry (she's a psychologist) but my faith has since been shaken. I'm wondering how this will all go as a result. I know that I have high standards, but I'm still not willing to lower them. I know I'm concerned about the cost and whether or not I can really afford it. (And if so, for how long?) I know that I expect to see a high level of professional skill and knowledge and if I'm not seeing that, I'm going to take my checkbook and back slowly out of the room.

I'm also a little concerned that she will want to focus on my breakdown when that's not why I'm seeking therapy. I already determined a long time ago I can't afford therapy for that -- it would cost hundreds of dollars I don't have just to bring her up to speed. It will probably be necessary to talk about some aspects of that but I'll get frustrated if she wants to focus there. However I also know that there are good therapists out there and she came highly recommended by a personal friend. Still, it's a huge investment, all the more so because she doesn't even live where I do. It will take a good part of one day for me to drive to her office. That means I'm facing the expense of not only "the therapeutic hour" but also, gas money, food, and a hotel.

As a result of the distance, we've been corresponding a bit by e-mail and so far, that's gone okay. She already knows my basic background, including that I had a breakdown. I'm hopeful that she'll not say something that totally invalidates and pisses me off from the get go. Something like, "Psychosis and schizophrenia? Oh, people can't ever get over that. They can't ever recover from that. Their only hope is to take medication forever and ever and ever..." If she does, I'll simply have to turn around and drive back home.

[nowheretorun]

hope this goes well s_e... i enjy reading the blogs... you're miles ahead of me... hope you get what you pay for...

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
Thanks for the well-wishes NW. I'm hopeful too.

I've noted before that the people around an individual going through an experience of psychosis will also be impacted by that experience. Someone who is very important to me has not come through this experience well. They blame me, they judge me, they devalue me, they disrespect me. They insist that they shouldn't have to be involved in any manner with my experience because it's not their problem, it's mine. They tell me I got what I deserved and that I brought it on myself. They have never forgiven me for cracking up and they might never be able to do so.

I care about this person and I want our relationship to be healthy. But I also care about me and I'm no longer certain if I can maintain a relationship with someone who seems to think so poorly of me. I can deal with strangers, people I don't know, thinking poorly of me. In my intimate relationships, in my closest circles however, I need to feel loved, accepted, understood, supported.

So... I'm willing to try some therapy. Like you, I hope it goes well.

[pachyderm]

Eeek.

> They tell me I got what I deserved...

Eeek.

Sounds like someone got quite scared.

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
pachyderm: Sounds like someone got quite scared.

Fear is one of the first emotions that seems to come to the surface when confronted with this experience; that's true of both the experiencer, and just as often, the people around him or her.

Yesterday, when I was posting about Jaako Seikulla, I thought about how I might have benefitted from his approach, wherein the larger social circle is brought into the individual's experience and provided support too. I know I've heard others, from both sides of the fence, share that they've felt disconnected from each other. The experiencer often feels guilt, abandonment, judgement and lack of support -- of course, that's on top of whatever else the experience itself has brought up. Those around the experiencer seem to go through their own range of emotions too. I think Seikulla's approach could address these mutual needs very well, but in keeping with my theme -- If you don't got it, create it for yourself -- I'm not willing to turn my back on the possibility that psychotherapy might be helpful.