[oneighth]

Hi, this is about the only reason I came here and i hope I get some answers at least, so I'll try to make it worthwhile and easy for all of us.

I don't want my real name out there, so if you need to refer to me you can just call me one. My childhood wasn't awful, but I don't have a hard time being upset over it. That being said, I think I've been repressing/ignoring a fair amount of my feelings and reactions to it for a long time now.

My head isn't exactly on right, in a lot of horrible ways that i am not happy with but I also haven't had to change because it's rarely in the public eye. I'll only be touching on one of my problems for the most part as its something that i can't help or shove away. For a year or so (maybe longer, but i have a really bad memory) ive been having a rough time with recognizing myself. I always look new to my eyes, and sometimes I feel new too. I think I'm delusional. It's a weird thing to describe but I don't view myself as a person anymore. moreso different feelings.

I've had a hard time with my thoughts and imagination for as long as i can remember, while some people can conjure something in their head, i get the idea while the signals fall short. I'm not sure if I've had the wrong idea about other peoples thoughts for so long, but I do believe that im out of the ordinary in that regard, and I think the days where I believed it with no self reflection or positivity caused a disconnect in my head. Everything is "Future one, little one, happy one, snarky one-" and so forth. I refer to myself in the third person and talk through things outloud to myself, or I can't think at all. I tried looking around, I don't think its anywhere near Dissociative Identity Disorder. While my memory is bad, its more retaining information. im aware things happened and time has passed, but im bad at recalling specifics, if any event. I also read that many of them have a headspace, and i definitely don't have that. My head is nothing but empty space, no matter how much i try. But these fragments, while all "me" seem like nothing but strangers with their specific roles and personalities. like workers and bots. Making sure i run right and process information as well as i can.

Nothing horribly traumatic ever happened to me, overbearingness was turned into neglect and resentment, ft. a fair amount of drunk accidents and crying siblings... but i feel thats just how most kids live. the world is a terrifying place filled with unhappy and uncaring people, no matter how much those people may try to force themselves to be different.

With nothing overly sick happening to me, but still being in a rough place, I have a chore like dishing of ptsd, depression, and paranoia, and i was in therapy for it. but I could never truly say what i could feel during it, it all seemed to crazy to me. too far gone. I didn't want to be beyond help, I still function. So I stopped going. But now i can't get any answers.

is there anything i can use to get a better grasp on this? is it just plain delusions? a coping mechanism thats just maybe doing a bit more harm right now than good? or is a disorder i need help with?

and... maybe just a little more food for thought. If it is a coping mechanism that im overly worried by, would it be bad if I tried to make it fun? if i went further into the delusion? I was thinking of giving them names, treating them more like imaginary help than an unfamiliar ghost lurking over all my ideas.

[ShaneG]

Hi, thanks for that indepth piece, you sound like a thinker to me, to have even composed this article takes a lot of thought, maybe try using an avatar or art vehicle to put your thoughts down upon paper might help, some of it maybe interesting to read, like with the above example.

For me in my case time and education about things that were going on around me and in my perception helped me to process all of the information.

I think that the mind is naturally looking for order and to recognize patterns to form logic out from it, it's what most term common sense, or education and how the Brain work's.

Maybe try new experiences, take a trip somewhere or meet someone special.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by oneighth

Hi, this is about the only reason I came here and i hope I get some answers at least, so I'll try to make it worthwhile and easy for all of us.

I don't want my real name out there, so if you need to refer to me you can just call me one. My childhood wasn't awful, but I don't have a hard time being upset over it. That being said, I think I've been repressing/ignoring a fair amount of my feelings and reactions to it for a long time now.

My head isn't exactly on right, in a lot of horrible ways that i am not happy with but I also haven't had to change because it's rarely in the public eye. I'll only be touching on one of my problems for the most part as its something that i can't help or shove away. For a year or so (maybe longer, but i have a really bad memory) ive been having a rough time with recognizing myself. I always look new to my eyes, and sometimes I feel new too. I think I'm delusional. It's a weird thing to describe but I don't view myself as a person anymore. moreso different feelings.

I've had a hard time with my thoughts and imagination for as long as i can remember, while some people can conjure something in their head, i get the idea while the signals fall short. I'm not sure if I've had the wrong idea about other peoples thoughts for so long, but I do believe that im out of the ordinary in that regard, and I think the days where I believed it with no self reflection or positivity caused a disconnect in my head. Everything is "Future one, little one, happy one, snarky one-" and so forth. I refer to myself in the third person and talk through things outloud to myself, or I can't think at all. I tried looking around, I don't think its anywhere near Dissociative Identity Disorder. While my memory is bad, its more retaining information. im aware things happened and time has passed, but im bad at recalling specifics, if any event. I also read that many of them have a headspace, and i definitely don't have that. My head is nothing but empty space, no matter how much i try. But these fragments, while all "me" seem like nothing but strangers with their specific roles and personalities. like workers and bots. Making sure i run right and process information as well as i can.

Nothing horribly traumatic ever happened to me, overbearingness was turned into neglect and resentment, ft. a fair amount of drunk accidents and crying siblings... but i feel thats just how most kids live. the world is a terrifying place filled with unhappy and uncaring people, no matter how much those people may try to force themselves to be different.

With nothing overly sick happening to me, but still being in a rough place, I have a chore like dishing of ptsd, depression, and paranoia, and i was in therapy for it. but I could never truly say what i could feel during it, it all seemed to crazy to me. too far gone. I didn't want to be beyond help, I still function. So I stopped going. But now i can't get any answers.

is there anything i can use to get a better grasp on this? is it just plain delusions? a coping mechanism thats just maybe doing a bit more harm right now than good? or is a disorder i need help with?

and... maybe just a little more food for thought. If it is a coping mechanism that im overly worried by, would it be bad if I tried to make it fun? if i went further into the delusion? I was thinking of giving them names, treating them more like imaginary help than an unfamiliar ghost lurking over all my ideas.

Hey, 1-8th. I have congenital bipolar-schizophrenia-like illness in my brain, as I call it, and share many similar experiences with you. You should just know that there is a whole apparatus in the brain that identifies self and other constantly. It is a whole, big thing. In us, aspects of this system, which includes all visual processing, go awry. Break. So, I woke up three or so days ago and was terrified because my brain told me I was a character in a video game, not a human. Had to ask a schizophrenia bud if it was true. She laughed. I'm like, no. For serious. She's like, bro, that' s your illness telling you that. You're good. So relieved.

What you have is very likely just your unique version of this process. The question then, is, why? What is the current med lineup and doses?

I do suspect you can improve this, maybe a lot. Maybe make it totally go away. Maybe. Partly. Dunno. But you should have hope and you are brave and a hero to me and us for coming here to share. Yay!

[WastingAsparagus]

I also have had experiences like that. Where I've thought I was just a cog in a wheel or an automaton. It sucked being like that, honestly. I don't know if your experience is similar. I just know that there are things out there that help with that kind of thing, at least for me. Sometimes I like to do reality-testing, sometimes running it by someone else can help, like a therapist or psychiatrist. Meds help me a lot, though. Specifically, antipsychotic medications.

Also, I don't know how a brain is supposed to work, but it's an open question as to whether my brain works properly or not. Ha. I think my brain works well, but in its own way. But that's another story.