My (bipolar) psychosis is evolving

MrAbbott · Aug 06, 2022, 11:40 AM

Hi, I hope this is the place to post this. Yes I am bipolar, but hopefully all psychosis are similar or relatable.

I wanted to tell you my psychosis has changed during the last 6 years. I used to feel mania and psychosis, a feeling that I'd compare as being "touched" by the hand of God, truly special and very positive. Sure, I got into some trouble eventually, but my attitude was very positive and I saw the world with awe, expectation and a true desire to explore it everyday. This has changed. I don't know if any of your pdocs ask you about your specific thoughts during psychosis... I know mine doesn't care a bit about it (I could believe I'm an Apostle and he wouldn't know)...Maybe he and I should discuss if I feel depressed or elated during my psychosis, but that just hasn't happened... Nowadays I feel a rush of adrenaline but I see the world, and specially its inhabitants through a very negative optic... It ends up affecting me, and yes, I am aware I might have delusions mostly, but I wonder why this shift has happened, why this disillusionment... I'm not violent but I feel aggression in the world, in the people that surround me. Has this ever happened to you?

Cheers.

Yaowen · Aug 06, 2022, 04:29 PM

Since I suffer from unipolar depression I fear that I cannot be of much help to you. I am sorry that the situation with your pdoc is not ideal. It can be hard to find a pdoc that is able to balance pharmacological treatment with talk treatment. Where I live there are few pdocs and their case loads are so heavy that they can spend only a very brief time with patients.

I have heard from some people that bipolar is a heavier burden than unipolar depression, so my heart goes out to you. Hopefully people with experiences similar to yours will see your post and respond to it with something truly helpful to you. Sometimes it is only people going through the same or similar things who can truly understand.

MrAbbott · 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yaowen

Since I suffer from unipolar depression I fear that I cannot be of much help to you.

I must thank your answer nonetheless, Yaowen. I've dealt with depression for a long time when i had ocd. I needed to lie on bed for three months straight every summer, so I also send my best wishes to you and thank your kind reply. Mania is not the problem, psychosis is, and I'm still trying to find the best possible strategy, one that may not involve meds only. You're right, I feel my pdoc could do more, but I've had far worse. I'm glad he at least worries about giving me the least burdening meds. I smashed a glass of soda against the wall in a bar because I felt threatened... I was, most likely, delusional, but people talk, judge and point their finger. Thanks god I don't live in a tiny village. I'd like to control it, maybe it can't be done or I don't have enough strength in me yet. Need to work on it, obviously...

Take care

.

WastingAsparagus · Aug 06, 2022, 07:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrAbbott

Hi, I hope this is the place to post this. Yes I am bipolar, but hopefully all psychosis are similar or relatable.

I wanted to tell you my psychosis has changed during the last 6 years. I used to feel mania and psychosis, a feeling that I'd compare as being "touched" by the hand of God, truly special and very positive. Sure, I got into some trouble eventually, but my attitude was very positive and I saw the world with awe, expectation and a true desire to explore it everyday. This has changed. I don't know if any of your pdocs ask you about your specific thoughts during psychosis... I know mine doesn't care a bit about it (I could believe I'm an Apostle and he wouldn't know)...Maybe he and I should discuss if I feel depressed or elated during my psychosis, but that just hasn't happened... Nowadays I feel a rush of adrenaline but I see the world, and specially its inhabitants through a very negative optic... It ends up affecting me, and yes, I am aware I might have delusions mostly, but I wonder why this shift has happened, why this disillusionment... I'm not violent but I feel aggression in the world, in the people that surround me. Has this ever happened to you?

Cheers.

I hear you when you say that pdocs don't really ask about specific thoughts during psychosis. I used to feel an amazing sense of bliss during psychosis.

However, that feeling came down (back to Earth) I suppose.

Disillusionment sucks, I think for me it happens as a result of "coming to terms with" my psychosis.

I just know that was a hard process for me. I hope you can navigate it and ultimately feel good.

MrAbbott · Aug 07, 2022, 09:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WastingAsparagus

I hear you when you say that pdocs don't really ask about specific thoughts during psychosis. I used to feel an amazing sense of bliss during psychosis.

However, that feeling came down (back to Earth) I suppose.

Disillusionment sucks, I think for me it happens as a result of "coming to terms with" my psychosis.

I just know that was a hard process for me. I hope you can navigate it and ultimately feel good.

Your message is very interesting

. So it does happen. I always wanted to linger in the experience, but now I wish to control and stop it asap. I sometimes wonder if in the past, people were able to redirect psychosis in a constructive way. Just saying... tc then. Thanks.

Sometimes psychotic · Aug 07, 2022, 08:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrAbbott

Your message is very interesting

. So it does happen. I always wanted to linger in the experience, but now I wish to control and stop it asap. I sometimes wonder if in the past, people were able to redirect psychosis in a constructive way. Just saying... tc then. Thanks.

I think they redirected it into shamanism and other healing.

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MrAbbott · Aug 08, 2022, 02:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

I think they redirected it into shamanism and other healing.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Pity they have to maim it and control it with modern medication if it could be redirected for good.

I learned of some shamans in Mexico and wanted to visit them long time ago. I had OCD and finally didn't do it. Years later, I ended up contacting a local healer or (witch doctor) during one of my early psychosis. Very few of those in my area, but it didn't work. I do believe he tried to help me at first, but I somehow never trusted him. I was right, he had a much darker side to him than obvious and it was a good thing to avoid, but now I'll never know what he could have done for me in the way we're discussing.

Sometimes psychotic · Aug 08, 2022, 07:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MrAbbott

Pity they have to maim it and control it with modern medication if it could be redirected for good.

I learned of some shamans in Mexico and wanted to visit them long time ago. I had OCD and finally didn't do it. Years later, I ended up contacting a local healer or (witch doctor) during one of my early psychosis. Very few of those in my area, but it didn't work. I do believe he tried to help me at first, but I somehow never trusted him. I was right, he had a much darker side to him than obvious and it was a good thing to avoid, but now I'll never know what he could have done for me in the way we're discussing.

Oh I don’t think they can make it go away so much as channel it.

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MrAbbott · Aug 08, 2022, 07:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Oh I don’t think they can make it go away so much as channel it.

I'd be happy to channel it and get rid of all this medication. My first psychosis was so intense I couldn't remember many events or specially some events in the right order. Yes, I'd like to learn some methods to "surf the wave" when it comes rather than smothering it artificially. I'll never know, cose I'm into the meds' web big time now and nobody seems to offer a better alternative...here, in the US or in the deep Amazonian forest, I guess...