Roll call 171

What’s up?

Just idk.

The man at the place was not too nice to us. Or me really. He seemed to kick it off great with my fiancé but when it came time to go over my credit score he said “so your credit isn’t goood? Ok. So your overextended in credit, and wanna keep extending?”. I was just like “...”I guess”. This is the fears I have and it has come true today.

I mean I guess it wasn’t mean, but he didn’t really talk to me. He talked to fiancé even tho fiancé has no clue and even told me he has no clue about credit or how to hold a conversation about credit.

Fiancé has walked into all these places and just said “hi we’d like to look at some of these places”

I go in and say “hi, my name is ______. I emailed you regarding ______. Would you mind if we take a look around?” I’ve been taught my whole life to act cordial, professional and nice. I do that with everything I do. It comes natural. It’s how I was taught to do by my parents cuz they always dealt with high profile people.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

You're good Newtus! Very good... Just anxiety.. You have high functioning anxiety.. Don't worry too much about it.. Brain analyzing.. You think about a lot of stuff...

Thanks tweaks.

It’s how he said it. He looked at me, squinted his eyes and said that sentence.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

my heart hurts right now. My heart brakes for my friend... when they took away the kids they said daddy don't let them take me.

My OCD is getting worse.

I took a 500mg phenibut rescue dose. Dark web stole my 200 dollars. But I got my 250 back from unneeded supplements. I won't buy more. My moms cousin gave me 100 dollars because he's rich. So I only lost 100 dollars over all this nonsense.

I was just traumatized by my mom. I was really suicidal.

My mom is thousands in debt on her credit cards. She's gonna take another 1000 from my account for rent. Then I'll have ~500 left. She took my 10-12k and likely won't give it back. She doesn't talk to me. She has bad OCD.

Today I woke up agitated. For OCD, you need to "Look at your thoughts" which is really easy to do on ketamine.

I'm going to ask my doctor about ketamine today. I took a 5mg diazepam because of the agitation. The 3mg alprazolam I took impulsively with alcohol ruined things. But it's been 48 hours so it's out of my system. I'll try to taper again. It's just low dose.

I can't do things. I feel like my mom being reckless means that I'm not in a safe environment to believe the support she gives me about me being able to improve my life and all the good things she says about me are lies. I think I might be more stupid now and there's no point so I should just do opioids and OD.

My psychosis increased after decreasing the antipsychotic. Might have gotten brain damage. I've broken through the matrix like everyone else. Used to be a skeptic non-believer.

I keep arguing with people in my head. I can't stand confrontation and arguments. I hate social media because it kills my soul. I'm at low vibration sometimes.

People recommend things to me hundreds of things and I need to make a list to put it on. My notes are unorganized. I feel novelty from achieving small things and then relax and listen to music. I'm addicted to music. I try to find help with educational videos about mental health, meditation. I can't list everything.

I'm freaking out a little because I feel judged by what I do and I keep sabotaging myself in the moment and have to deal with small things that keep piling up and I can't help it. I'm slightly addicted to things. I need a break or a time out and want to relax and settle down be calm.

Is this a different place than you went yesterday? If the guy is a jerk now it will only get worse.....

Yes it is. Ugh.thing is they have the best deal on the full package of the home with all the things I mentioned.

And honestly, the last place was semi-jerk-y. The man there. The men in this whole town are jerk-y. I think it’s cuz we are poor honestly. They probably are thinking we can’t afford shyt. Just like how my aunt Asked me in San Antonio how we can afford an apt with fiancé working in a grocery store and me on welfare. Yea she said that. Just like that.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I actualy get a lot of crap from people being in the economic situation I’m in. Sometimes words but mostly looks and questioning. People i do business with, my mom, my family, my sister. Like, it sucks. I wish I didn’t have to say I’m on disability but I have to. I get questioned beforehand like “how did u afford that?” And with random people I have to do business with, once they find out my income is disability they usually say “ahhhh ok”. I hate that. So much. Even with mental health professionals and at the ER I went to.

That’s a large part of why I’m so scared of people. The judgements stuff they do.

I probably get more crap about being on disability/poor/“welfare” and my mental health than race. But I’m so sure racism is included. I mean technically I am a black person on “welfare”. People just don’t say anything. But u can tell what they are thinking.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I’m emotionally exhausted.

I was feeling fine until that interaction. But this happens with most interactions i deal with. I get sad and anxious, and then mad and wanna get even. But then I’m like “just please let it blow over, quickly”. And then I gotta try to calm down.

All this from interactions with people.

I remember in middle school this boy kept blocking the aisles of the seats and I got upset and muttered “stop or I’ll knock your lights out” and he said out loud “oh yea? Stop or you’ll knock my lights out? Let’s see that.” And he got in my face. I was so embarrassed. I almost cried. I was like 13

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

It is ****ed. It reminds me of the people on the video chat saying "I don't mind people working and minding their own business but people on welfare should all be put into a shooting ground like hunger games and killed".

Don't people need meaning instead of working a ****** soul sucking job for society? Wtf is society? billions of people. People think they're so righteous and great like they mean something more than other people because of the way they live or do things.

And right now, everyone's losing their jobs. People do jobs that a robot can do. People have value. It's not just money. Money circulates throughout the economy. It doesn't just vanish - Except for the rich and criminals.

We know things are bad – worse than bad. They’re crazy. It’s like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don’t go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is: ‘Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won’t say anything. Just leave us alone.’

Well, I’m not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get MAD! I don’t want you to protest. I don’t want you to riot – I don’t want you to write to your congressman, because I wouldn’t know what to tell you to write. I don’t know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you’ve got to get mad. (shouting) You’ve got to say: ‘I’m a human being, god-dammit! My life has value!’

Annnndd.. People say "My taxes are paying for that" NO. Your taxes pay less than ONE DOLLAR for that "thing". It's evenly distributed among everything that taxes pay for. No one has the right to say **** because they vote. Don't vote and you won't be responsible.

I'm just mad. I try my hardest to improve myself and I'm not lazy yet the problems I'm dealing with at home makes me not focus and I use substances as a solution - Oh addicts deserve it - Well ****ing drink your alcohol and smoke cigarettes do coke at a party and get have sex one night stand - meaningless, entities spirits and darkness.

I'm moving to Peru and I'm gonna be a shaman and heal people with Ayahuasca away from society - Places are better. Things are different and everyone's deluded oh WHAT A NICE CAR - **** the car. It's a transportation vehicle. People die in car crashes. MY CHILD ISN'T BEING EDUCATED PROPERLY - YOURE NOT EDUCATED. You do nothing.. like me i says to the chain smoking pepsi woman watching the news ohhhh husbands abusive where do we go now bloody hell if we could have teleportation devices oh chem trails from the planes the bees are dying **** it all

Yea. Fiancé asked me last night if I wanted to move to Puerto Rico, as we were watching joe rogan talk to the host of MadMoney, because apparently Puerto Rico you don’t have to pay federal taxes.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I think the ashwagandha is doing something to me spiritually. I like it. But it's not good for everyone else.

It just makes me sick of all the bs that I'm dealt with. I'm mentally had it up to HERE with it all. I'm been subjected to HELL.

But I'm ok. I'll listen to Joe Rogan in a bit and calm down lol

Hmm... My Invega Injection is tomorrow.

It's at 1:10pm. I might have to ask my boss if I can leave work at 12:30pm to get to the clinic in time.

I feel bad for having to leave early soon after I started this job. I usually am supposed to leave at 1-2pm. So Idk.

Wasn’t most of Puerto Rico destroyed by a hurricane?

Yes I believe so

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

anxiety is bad today

Sorry falcon....

So I’ve been connecting with people on LinkedIn from within different positions of the company I work at. A lot of people in Vice President or Director roles and a lot in data analysis roles.

I found the Director of Data Science and messaged her asking her for any advice she might have in getting into a career of data processing. Gah! So nervous but I did it.

I hope she responds and doesn’t just think I’m a crazy person.

looks like we're looking for hotels to see we can stay there for a month while trying to get a place of our own.