Roll Call 177

I'm having a horrible panic attack. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry.. How long do your panic attacks usually last?

Maybe the SSRI isn't working unless it hasn't been long enough...

Try making tea or warm milk. Listen to a guided meditation.

I'm gonna focus on mindfulness and spirituality right now that I'm focused. Good thing for you is that you're religious so you could spend some time doing healthy rituals or reading about it - Cuz the info is so deep.

Maybe call someone close to you and have a talk. I remember I was having a massive dissociative panic attack and I talked to my dad - He talked to me and made me laugh while the Ativan kicked in. Humour and funny things are like the opposite of panic imo.

If you need anyone to talk to just keep posting here no matter how weird it is and we can respond without judgement ^^

I have a weighted blanket. It was really good for panic this summer. Although I was kind of getting sick of it because I had to put it around me almost every day/night and just wanted the panic to stop.

But it did. It just takes time.

I've been on the SSRI's for a long time. They don't seem to touch this type of panic for some reason.
Mine can last hours, I don't know how that's possible but they do. Or maybe they come and go for a period of hours but my anxiety is still really intense in between.

Thank you, I really appreciate it. Maybe I'll make some tea. I'm trying to not take klonopin as long as possible. It's been 10 days since I last took it, I'm trying to hold off on using it unless it's really an emergency. I'll try praying the rosary since that's kind of meditative.

I could also watch some funny youtube videos.

I'd like to get a weighted blanket someday, I've heard great things about them.

I'm gonna try and make another blog except I won't write memory journals on it anymore cuz they can be really dry and boring for people to read. Wordpress offers Ethereum now in advertisement payments.

I could study how to make my own website or something.

I would talk about a lot of things like investing, mental health, topics on society that I'm interested in like decriminalization of drugs and it's relation to poverty, my family life neuroscience and harm reduction of addiction such as anything addictive including social media, or the conspiring elite, future of physics/mysticism of psychedelics/technology all in relation to my brain and becoming better - Like self improvement, awareness, lessons, quotes.. Someone with schizophrenia-autism that uses psychedelics and stimulants which is quite rare.

But yeah my mind is all over the place. There's too much information that I've been blasted with after my trip which makes my consciousness as aware as 99% of people have been their entire life - So I have a lot of catching up to do. It seems impossible and it's only logical that I'd break and go completely insane forever. I think I'll have to study philosophy so I'll put that on the list of things to do today or tomorrow.

I want to find a way to be optimistic long term and somehow make money.

I think I may end up having to just take a klonopin. My mind and anxiety is spiraling out of control, I want to avoid it though if possible, I'm trying

It's good that you're as conservative with benzos as I was during my episodes panic attacks.

I took 0.25mg because I shouldn't have drank a coffee with other things. I'm in a little bit of a mess and can't keep track of things - But it's definitely only a few every week at most.

If in doubt, you can take half... But you're doing really well right now! Just count the hours down until you can sleep - Tomorrow, try and make a list of all of your worries and then the next day after that, you should feel better when you wake up that morning. Works for me..

<3

Thank you, yes sleep really helps! I always feel better when I wake up. I’ll definitely give that a try, writing down my worries. I really appreciate your help! 😃

I just took half a dose of klonopin. My dose is to take up to 2 0.5mg tablets a day. So I took half one, 0.25mg. Hopefully that helps. I think I’m doing pretty well considering I went 10 days without taking one and my panic attacks were still occurring.

It's been hard for my sister to get an appointment for her cat (Maybelle, that's coming to live with me eventually) and she has to buy a new type of carrier for her since she refuses to get in the one she has (it causes her too much anxiety) so she's getting her one where she can see out the sides and the top. So eventually, maybe not soon, but eventually when there's an opening and they can get her in to be seen then I'll be able to have her move in with me. I think having a cat again will help a lot with my anxiety. When I had Kitten and Annie, they helped me a lot. Especially when Kitten would lay on my chest and purr.

My maternal clock ticking... I want a reborn babydoll to substitute my maternal needs. Reborndollsshop ... I want her

I feel calmer now. I've been reading and it's raining (which is relaxing to me) and I think the klonopin kicked in

That reminds me, I'm thinking of getting some plush cats, one's in memory of the cats I had. So a black one, a grey one, and an orange one. They can be a comfort thing until I get my real cat.

Ooh and I found a sherpa lined weighted blanket on Amazon, that will take a bit of saving to get though.

The reason I was crying last night was the way my dad looked in the picture the last time I saw him when we were hugging before he left on the plane to go to Mexico for work. It looked and felt like that was the last time I was going to see him.

Now I find out that he has COVID.

He's not very healthy physically. I'm not healthy mentally. I knew this was going to happen.

I love my dad so much.

I think I might go crazy.

I once said to my mom, "Don't drink so much that I have to take care of you" and she said "I just might anyways" - And I had to take care of her. I felt like she didn't care about me. A lot of my problems are because of neglect. My mom tries but this is just the way life is (I seem to be so wise yet such a new soul, young, unlucky, innocent even though I've been through some ****ed up ****).

Well I feel like buying research chemicals "just because". It's literally my only coping mechanism.

I'm not like normal people that get pleasure easily by little things.. Although I should be open to better self care types of things (Which I am) - I mean, I meditate, exercise, go to coffee connections to talk to strangers and open up (All thanks to the psychedelic trip). I'm sick. Very sick..

I hope you all keep finding comfort. I think it's like an autistic self-stimming thing for me - Oddly enough, stimulants too.

But I love you all.. I don't have many outlets. I have very unique groups of friends online. My research chemical friends are like me. We (Including this Roll Call group) are very sane. I feel so normal even though diagnosed with schiz I think because I'm so freaked out by how "crazy" everyone ELSE is.

Don't mind me just venting...

If things go well, I'm gonna hippie flip with my hippie friend here in town. I'm gonna ask my mom for approval.

I just don't want to lose my head - Yknow? I remember that woman in the psych ward that walked up to me during the morning in the med line and had bumps on her head.. She said: "You seem too smart - Try meth and you'll be stupid like me - It's ok to be stupid".. She hit her head against the wall because she couldn't sleep. She said "You kind of know the secret thing" and said that a few other people in the med line knew it too.. She said that she would see me again (And this was after being admitted to the hospital after my shroom overdose). Being in the psych ward has scarred me for life.

But anyways, yeah.. I should be wiser and calmer.. But I have a vision as I've said.. I hope that my dad won't die right now and life will be .. Not easier.. But like, better.. I feel like GOD wants to take my dad away from me or something. It happened last year with my mom.

I always want to bargain with GOD (Even though I don't really believe in God because I used to be an atheist) when something is going to be taken from me in an OCD way - I say, "I won't do this and then this will happen' or "I will do this (Compulsion) and this will happen"..

Ugh... Nvm.. Just venting.. Not in the right state of mind. And the main thing I wanted to say was that yknow the state of the world right? It's messed up.. I feel self destructive.. Nothing like this has ever happened in peoples lives... Maybe it's illuminati but I really don't care.. I don't want to join the illuminati..

The way I think of it is this: There's a bad illuminati, but there also has to be a good illuminati right?? People that are secretly controlling things for the sake of good. But what is good or bad?? It's all subjective. No one is in control said Terence Mckenna. He had schizophrenia I think..

I would just keeeep onnn with the word salad it seems if I wasn't good at articulating in the past.. More experience will be better when I learn from mistakes, learn habits and know more, experience more..

My dad will be ok. He's always gotten sick/cancer/pneumonia in foreign countries.. Just this time I know about it..

And life goes on..

My mom made me promise her that I won't buy an entactogenic hallucinogen from The Netherlands...

There's only.. so many.. fking things.. that I.. can think about...

Edit: Btw I'm feeling better. It's deeper into the AM's and I'm feeling pretty chill =]

Oh Jesus I forgot to take the olanzepine for 12 hours. I took it now. I do feel floridly psychotic (In my own opinion - Not a psychiatrists) but sleep will help with that...

Hmmm.. You're all sleeping. And will wake up to see this mess that I posted. I apologize! Just carry on .. Have a good day!

Hey Desoxyn, I hope your dad will be okay and recover quickly. Will keep him in my prayers if that doesn’t offend you. You’re a great person, don’t feel bad for venting here, we all care about you ❤️

Going to CVS later. Getting coffee ☕️ Plus a Christmas card for my family, a new journal 📓 and some assorted color pens 🖊 so I can journal some more.