Roll Call 177

Me too. I catch myself calling myself stupid and moron and stuff like that. Then when I catch myself doing that I am trying to correct my brain and tell myself that I am not those things. It's hard though.

I'm sorry you deal with that too I'm trying to change the negative things into positive affirmations, it's hard sometimes though. But I guess I'll keep trying

Some positive things lately:
-I saw my friend briefly today
-I got my Christmas tree up and it looks beautiful
-Was able to buy Christmas presents for my family and a few friends
-I'm seeing my sister this weekend
-My sister is giving me a ton of nice chicken cutlets, and a nice piece of beef (one I can use in my crockpot)
-My focus is better. I've been reading long posts on Reddit and also reading at least 100 pages of my book a day
-It's almost Christmas
-I've been showering more often, and brushing my teeth 2 times a day every day, and flossing
-I learned how to play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on my Ukulele
-I was able to order a copy of Ukulele for Dummies which will help teaching me more things I need to know about playing.

Just had a five minute conversation with my T since I am having a lot of delusions today. Kind of helped me get my footing just hearing her voice. She's just like, hang on.....you're doing all the right things. Text me if you need to and I'll get back to you. Hang in there. Hang on. You can do this.

We went home early from skiing because I feel too dysphoric, apathetic, nihilistic and depressed. Being around everyone having fun feels like torture.

I'm back to feeling like I don't clean enough. My sister is coming over this weekend and I'm worried she'll think my place is a mess. This is a recurring issue I have, thinking my place is horribly messy when it's really not. I get obsessive sometimes

That's great that talking to her helped a bit

Why does my mom always seem like she's on ecstasy pills?

I should have inherited those emotional genetics but I didn't

Does anyone know if there are any compelling reasons to stay on Xanax or Klonopin. I am debating in my head whether it'd be good to stay on either drug. I know it's probably better not to be on either of them. But hey. Someone prescribed them for me for some reason, right? So, I don't really know what to do.

I wish I inherited the emotional genetics of always being in a good mood. I know I have to work to be in a good mood though.

I'm on Klonopin. I only use it when things are really bad. I think if you're using it responsibly and it helps, it's okay, if your doctor prescribed it to you. Mine is always telling me I have it for a reason when I mention not taking it even though I'm struggling with panic attacks really badly. I only take it maybe a couple times a month though still because I don't want to develop a tolerance to it.

Just did 15 minutes of yoga to try and help a panic attack

I'm gonna talk to my psych next time about getting off my meds. I think I'd do better without them.

Tbh what I need is school. But I'm not gonna be able to start classes again till the fall. I think that would help a lot with my anxiety. It would give me something to work towards and have a sense of purpose

Maybe I'll just see about getting on the abilify injection so I don't have to worry about taking meds.

I think maybe that would be best. It will take a long time to taper off everything though and get onto that. But I want to do that.

All the atypical injections are still not generic so they’re pretty pricey....might want to check and make sure it’s covered.

I might be having a GERD attack. I'm charging my headphones. I'm drinking sugar free drink mixes. They're pretty good. I have to start losing weight asap and koolaid is too many calories. I wonder if I could hide a flask in here. I can't get benzos here but a flask is doable. If someone nearby would fill it and bring it back. I wonder if anyone can smoke pot here once it's legal.

Hoping those three guys are ok. Hoping I'll get the vaccine before I get covid. They've been testing me everyday. Do they know something I don't?

Feeling like dropping out of school again. Eh. Wouldn't be such a bad idea.

People think I'm insane for wanting to drop out of school so much. I guess to some extent I am insane. But hey, if it's causing me undue stress, that is something I'd like to eliminate from my life. I don't care about the university. They still haven't uploaded my grades to the system for courses that started at the beginning of this year. I am starting to feel like my efforts are a joke and are for nothing. I feel like a two-faced idiot because I can't make up my mind regarding this. And I'm like nice to people in my program and I'm nice to the director of the program. I don't have a thesis in me though.

Is it possible that the Invega Trinza injection isn't working? I feel too solipsistic, nihilistic, apathetic, etc..

I want to take ecstasy again (Sorry mods - But it is what it is..)

But anyways, I could write and write and I just don't know how to organize my thoughts. I had depersonalization/derealization last night.

I told my mom and sister today at the ski hill that reality is an illusion and that they're not real. That's horrifying. Olanzepine helped a little bit.. I just need people to relate to philosophically.

I need to create art like Newtus and some of you guys - It would be really therapeutic. I don't have a desk though. I wish I was somewhere else. I always feel like I'm wasting time when I'm doing physical things - And I'm addicted to music (Really badly - It's the only thing that soothes my soul. I want to cry 100% of the time but I feel nothing.. MDMA made me cry literally 40-50 times a day for a week).

I hope to do MDMA therapy in 2022 or what ever when it's legal. It would really help me.

I see my psychiatrist on the 21st. I need to work on motivation. I don't even have motivation to speak. I have "thought blocking" and formal thought disorder.

I wish I could be prescribed more dextroamphetamine because it seems to help at ~20mg but mostly I'm only on 5-15mg.

I said that I wanted "out of this life". My mom tried to make me happy and I feel guilty that I'm not. I remember telling the principal in high school that I wanted to



There was nothing even wrong with my life. Like who does that? Someone who's obviously severely mentally ill. This happened before my ex step dad came into the picture. But I feel like my my childhood ended when my mom said "I love someone else" (Other than my dad). It was very irresponsible and reckless of her. She has Histrionic Personality Disorder - People like that are in denial. She knows what she's done to me by being in a constant state of alcoholic destructive ecstasy - But she gets mad when I "blame" her. It's not my fault that I feel this way - Neither is it hers.. But I'm just trying to express why I'm feeling the way I am. I analyze all of it.

And the analyzing thing is constant. I'm always looking for meaning in a way to feel better.

I need to be able to set my mind to doing low dopamine things but this dose of Dexedrine isn't enough. I'm going to ask my doctor for more. I don't want my brain/mind to deteriorate.

I told my sister that I wanted to take too much shrooms again to cure myself at the risk of her and my mom having to take care of me being forever psychotic - It just slipped out of my mouth. So saying that makes me not want to do it at all because it would be my fault in a way. My illness makes me interested in certain self destructive things more than someone with schizophrenia without obsessive autism.

It all killlssss mee. But I'm going skiing again tomorrow. I'll try and read before I go to bed - It's hard without the stimulant though. I'm just constantly thinking of solutions to my problems and go down a hole of misery.

I feel manic or something. Feeling great. This always happens before I go to sleep. So I'll sleep.. I won't feel like this tomorrow morning, afternoon or evening.. But the night makes everything great.. Idk why..

So good night!