Roll Call 178

It's like the light has gone out of my soul and since there is no light in me there is only darkness so my eyes feel dark because there is no light in me.

I feel self destructive today. I am also feeling like I want to get really numb. I took two Xanax. I can't imagine how I would feel if I didn't take them today. A demon wants me to attack my arm and my head.

Have you talked to your therapist or doctor recently? It might be a good idea to let them know what’s going on

I talk to PDOC on the 6th of January. I was supposed to see T this week but since I may have been exposed to Covid through a coworker I cancelled and she said she has something on the 9th. I can still text her and ask her to call me though. I doubt she will be that helpful though. She might be in on the conspiracy.

I’m with bluebird....ask for help right now.

Went for a hike today at -10C quite cold but good exercise. When I got home, I organized my room a bit so it's looking quite good.

I might take a Coursera course on crypto but I'll find a good book about it first.

My mood and thoughts are ok I'm just a bit agitated. I haven't taken phenibut in 2 days and don't plan to for a while either.

I'm addicted to these "my morning routine" videos on YouTube. and all kinds of self improvement videos, how to be more productive, goals, etc.

I love getting a new phone! With a nice new battery!

I hope it will be smooth. You can always take a walk the first few days, if you have anxiety.

I agree with Bluebird, you should call your pdoc and let them know about how you're feeling.

Kit, you need help right now. They can't help you unless you call them.

Idgaf if I have another panic attack

I'll go mad

I'm in my sisters room and it's bigger so the aesthetics make me feel really clear minded, focused, happy, relaxed...

My mom doesn't believe me. If we weren't in Western culture, she would.

I'm telling you guys I need a better environment to be sleeping in or a bigger room so I don't feel claustrophobic in such a small room. My mom is going to get a single bed so there's more space in my room. I got rid of that bunkbed last year which helped a lot.

I waste so much time cloudy minded and paralyzed because the aesthetics of my surroundings make me feel claustrophobic. I can't have a panic attack here in my sisters room - It's impossible. She has room to do art on the floor and everything.

Idk if anyone believes me. I can't just "Make with what I've got"... That's impossible. In my room, I'll just stare into space and dissociate.

I’m reading a book called joyful and one of the things it’s about is how our environment and stuff can actually impact mood. Like legit you can buy happiness if you know what to buy.

Since she's moving, could you move into your sister's room? Unless I have wrong info.

Yeah that's the plan.

I went back into my room and was having a sort of mental breakdown and then my mom put my sister on FaceTime and she said that I could use her room and that it doesn't bother her - But then my mind just went blank. I lost my thought of what I was going to say.

That's the problem with me talking to people. I write 1000x better than I can talk. It's like, - When I'm talking to someone on the phone, in person even - My mind goes completely blank.

I wonder if the olanzepine kicked in yet and that's why idk.

I feel horrible but I also am OK with it and like it because my mind is trying to figure things out. I used to be so nihilistic and depressed that I did nothing for myself.

I said to my mom "I accomplished nothing" but she told me not to think that because I managed to complete high school after I got out of the psych ward, I've been able to hold down jobs, I'm a good son, brother, etc..

I'm just having a really hard time. I try not to blame people - I chose what happened to me - But I've been traumatized. I have learned from my mistakes though and things will be better eventually.

My mind hurts from trying to focus after the Vyvanse has worn off. Going on another hike tomorrow. I'll wake up at 10am.

Gnight all - Feel better tomorrow - New day

Hello, I’m not sure if anyone remembers me, I haven’t been on in a couple of years. I recognise some of your names.

Welcome back!

I remember you, welcome back

What’s the name? And I agree that our environment can impact our mood. That’s why I always keep my room clean and tidy.