Roll Call 178

My library didn’t have it unfortunately

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I never get noti’s anymore for Tapatalk ugh and then I forget to check here, with everything I have going on.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I’m very lonely these days (past couple of months. Especially past month). I’ve reached out to quite a few people whom I thought would support me through this journey (which is all I can think about most times) and it somewhat backfired on me. Or I mean, I find out that they aren’t really genuine towards me or don’t care. I’ve had to delete like 9 family members from fb and a friend or two. Some of them I didn’t even talk to I admit, but rather deleted them by proxy. Family members.

My moms family is... not the best. Lots of gossip etc especially about me and my mental health. I was called “psycho” by a few of my cousins when I got sick and also by some aunts and uncles.

It’s weird... going through this journey you really think about the people you associate with and how will they ACTUALLY either contribute to your life or if they will continue to be genuine with you. Either way, if they aren’t one of those then it’s best not to have them in it. And with possibly being pregnant I’ve really been thinking not just about what I put in my body on a daily basis but also the people and situations I associate with and put myself in.

Y’all are gonna have to forgive me, as this will be a topic for me for quite a awhile.

My cat is going crazy. She does this every freakin morning lol. So cute!

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I start my two week waiting period today. Well Monday actually, but might as well today.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Newtus you are an amazing soul. People that talk negatively about you don't deserve to have you in their lives.

You seem to have a lot of things figured out. Some paths are lonely. I've been alone for a very long time..

I sat outside, waiting for people to show up and they never did. Months and then years passed. I would walk to school/work and people would offer a ride in their car - I say "no" it's ok. The amount of times that I've wandered alone.

The first time I got drunk, I drank 7 shots of whiskey when I was 16 - Never felt so euphoric in my life - Walked into town, no one there. Dancing, listening to music. Alcohol after that point was my gateway drug.

All I have is my imagination - Switching around scenarios in my mind, reliving memories - Living inside of my head.

I would lie on the grass in the fall, open dark country side sky.. And I'd look at the northern lights and the stars.. "Why am I so alone?". I always never thought that I could control my own destiny. I thought my mom and ex step dad would guide me - I trusted them comfortingly. But it was demonic. I wanted to escape the isolation.

I owe my life to the psilocin molecules that flowed through my brain, made me see maggots and scorpions, made me realize the impossible. I should be dead.

People like us don't just die all that easily. We have a lot to live for. We will be uploaded to the cloud and become technological alien entities - At least that's where my mind goes - Still kind of in the hopeless realm of possibilities and never DOING.

People are doers. I dream too much. Way too much. Things around me can be toxic - I suffer through all of it - But eventually it subsides.

I want to go back and change everything - But it's all perfect. I could die of a stroke right now - Be completely obliterated from this realm.

Newtus, I also have to say you're a great writer. You would make a great copywriter, editor, or really anything that requires writing. It's sometimes hard to have confidence in our writing, I'd say. I used to have a lot of trouble being confident in my writing. But after a while, I learned to just say that I don't really care too much about what others think about it, and I just do it anyway. Anyway, I don't know if you needed to hear that or what, but I just wanted to tell you that you would make a great writer, no matter the format or whatever. Also, writing can be a lonely path, ha. But I'd say it's worth it!

Except for an occasional motivational speech, I’m not good with words :P

Thanks so much! I did need to hear that 🥲

I don’t have confidence much in my writing but other people seem to like it. Well, really like it. So much so I got nominated for a TEDx. Doesn’t mean much though because even though I got nominated to speak, I didn’t get chosen in the end.

I’ve been going through so much past month. It’s unbelievable. My emotions have been a roller coaster and not due to mental illness but rather stuff people have been saying to me about me getting pregnant/wanting a kid. Some really crazy stuff too. Like I should be ashamed that I’m contributing to the overpopulation of the world, amongst some other things people said that were out of left field or plain rude.

This past month has been very lonely, depressing, eye-opening, and yet refreshing. If I do get pregnant I know it’ll be a long 9 or so months, as I won’t have much support. Not the kind I need anyway.

Thank you

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Wtf who told you that you should be ashamed? The level of rudeness of some people is insane 🙄

Being nominated to do a Ted talk is a big honor. You must be doing something right. When times get tough think of the positives... we may not be friends but even I can see the good in you. People will tear you down while you got a lot of friends to help you up.. they mainly be online but it’s better than being completely alone.

I'm trying to learn how to be more patient.

Everything is seriously complicated.

"If the lightbulb in your bathroom blows one morning, it's probably going to be little more than a minor inconvenience in your day. If it blows for the fourth time in a month, you'd have to be a saint not to lose your patience."

lol

I'm fine today. Just trying not to compare myself to others too much. It's hard. I wish I didn't live with my parents and was financially independent from them, etc. I wish a lot of things. I guess it takes baby steps to accomplish that but it sucks not being there yet.

I want to move out and things like that. Wish there wasn't a pandemic, too. Just feels so boring where I live.

Anyway, at least I got a job doing something. That will at least occupy some of my time.

It really really is. It always seems tho that no matter what the accomplishment is that I make, I feel like it’s still not good enough. I remember telling my mom I was nominated and she brushed it off. I was so incredibly hurt and she talked down to me. Saying “well you’re not gonna get chosen anyway, so just stop talking about it”.

I was floored.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

It honestly feels like it’s been 3 days and it’s only 9pm tonight. I seriously don’t understand. The day is taking FOREVER to end. Omg this is insane. I did take a nap from 6pm til now but still man. Day usually flies by like the wind when I do.

I think I’m just obsessing over this journey and this 2 week wait I have to do. Urghhhhh

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

These two weeks have to be the longest wait of my life!

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Ever since I started taking NAC for negative symptoms, I've never felt better. At this moment, I feel real. I feel like life is worth living. I'm doing things and I'm more mindful and productive than I've ever been. My cognition is good since I'm staying away from weed.

But also it's at the same time that I started taking 60mg of Vyvanse every morning + It's near the end of the injection.

I've been feeling so mindful. I'm working on self-compassion and trying to shed non-truths that I think about myself.

I realize that reality is just patterns that change. I'm just an ordinary person and I know that life is hard - I shouldn't try to escape all of the time. The ways that I can change myself are available and I should be grateful to have what I have.

I missed something? What are you waiting for? Preggo?

Yeah I would be be floored too... it’s like your mom wants you to struggle and gets off by helping you so you’re under her debt. I don’t think I’d get along with your mom tbh.

I can't sleep. I have an eye stye and it's driving me nuts