Roll Call 178

Idk how to distinguish. I'm already on a lot of antipsychotic. I have been for years. I just want the mental pain to end.

It all started because of my lack of awareness and avoidant personality. I got taken advantage of most of my life because of it.

I painted with acrylic today instead of watercolor. I forgot how to and it turned into a disaster.

Oh I didn’t mean more than you’re already on just that you might need a prn.......

Ah ok I wouldn't mind a PRN 5mg olanzepine.

On the phenibut, I've been able to vent to people on a stimulant chat... Here's some of the conversation (And I love the quote he gave);

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Stimulant chat person: “I’ve been looking back & feeling sympathy for myself
like **** man, my life was such a mess at the age of 16 i turned to *edit: "M and H* that’s steep
tryna forgive myself for what i did to myself when i didn’t know any better"

Me: "I try to feel sympathy for myself but I’m mad that I never tripped until age 20 I should have way before then.

I was the 1% schiz avoidant personality disorder it was hard af now I have to make up for everything quickly (Awareness wise) and try to understand what I’ve missed and get criticized for every little thing that I do which I wouldn’t if I was younger idk"

Stimulant chat person: "You’re too hard on yourself. it’s not uncommon to feel that way about your younger self.
The fact that you’re saying this today, that you’re able to reflect & see something was wrong, means you are not that way anymore.

“one who looks into the abyss eventually realizes there’s nothing looking back at them but their own character”
You got a lot of time for self-reflection with this lifestyle"

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It just seems that all of the memories of what I did in the past are recently starting to haunt me and I've never thought of them before or realized that they were an issue.. Well I did but I ignored them.. I went into addictions to cope. I would eat candy, coca cola or buy food when I wasn't hungry so I could stand and not have to talk to people or make friends because it looked like I was doing something. Imagine that but amplified 100x.

Idk don't mind me just venting.. Everything is ok for now.. I need to survive and manipulate patterns...

I had a decent day today. Just a lot of criticizing myself. I can't seem to get better at that.

Know why I honestly hate baths and even showers?

When I was a kid, bugs used to crawl out of the drain and crawl on me in the tub.

And thennn... noooo fckn longer will I take baths. And I’m scared of showers. I’m scared of the drain dude.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Could that have been a hallucination? I mean if you have the drain plugged with a stopper how would the bugs come up?

Finally, I'm stable this morning.

Paid the bills and ordered my art supplies. Eating rock melon now. Laundry in 5 hours.

I feel deserted and discouraged and it won’t stop talking about it in my head... my voices... my demons... the spirits. I’m a terrible person..

You’re not terrible at all...can you listen to music or something to distract?

Listening to music actually... it’s a struggle to compete with my mind and hallucinations... hallucinations come out as my subconscious About myself and I start feeling it more about myself when listening to my hallucinations. It’s my subconscious is battling what is real and what is in my mind.

Oooooh no it wasn’t. Let me explain. There was this open thing but it wasn’t a drain, above the drain. Let me see if I can find a pic. It was an old tub. Bugs use to crawl out. Given that there was only one bug every so often, it still freaked me out. Plus at my dads house it was the same but I only took showers. Ugh. Remember that video I made with the scorpions crawling out of my drain? Yea!!! I still have that video! Ugh!

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I’ve never seen a bug here but I’m still scared

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Yo it only takes 1 bug every so often near you when you’re naked somewhere and vulnerable to set it off. This case, the shower.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Kinda how slugs seem to make their way into our apartment.

I found a slug here 3 days ago!!! I was like it was in the kitchen tho

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I’m not feeling the best mentally today. I took my meds late this morning cuz I slept all day...even tho I slept all night too.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Ours we normally see them in the kitchen as well... that or by the door either back door or front. And it feels so weird stepping on it >.<

When I was on zyprexa the sleepiness never went away and slept sometimes 16 hour days. It never got better... when they changed my AP and AD I was the opposite... sleeping in 2 hour at a time and believed I could fly.