Roll Call 180

The other night i dreamed I went to thiland, but strangely the airport was surrounded by rocky ocean so we had to take something called an airbus which was like a flat bamboo square covered in hay, hanging below a helicopter.

I got all my tax forms for work and school so I should be able to get my taxes ready soon. Hopefully I get a good return... Would help pay off my debt.

I keep thinking about money and paying off my bills. Damn obsessive thinking not letting me study. My mood feels better but I still have obsessive and racing thoughts. Less psychotic thinking though thankfully.

My first dream, I was in the hospital with my mom and she was drinking. The doctors said I had cerebral palsy which in my dream meant that I had cancer in my intestines? I woke up after an operation.

Second dream was sitting on the beach listening to music. It was beautiful.. I was just sitting there for what felt like 10 minutes. It was so real. I ended up in a super structure water park that was run by weird people. All of my friends were like "Don't register over there" but I did.. I talked to two women that seemed like they were the YouTuber "Poppy" and I got in.

Third dream I was playing soccer and scored like 10 goals. The intricacy of my moves felt so real. It was raining.

Anyways now to go get a haircut..

The more I study reading about philosophy and ethics - the more the psychotic thoughts come forward. I start thinking that I can prove if God exists. It's annoying more than anything.

I feel good, but maybe still a little too good.

HIlariously I took a bipolar test on some website and it's like 'Sounds like you have bipolar - get immediate help!' Hahahaha. Like *****, I'm trying here. I just got things to do!

*pencils in a mental breakdown for Monday after work*

LMAO.

Where is everyone on this lovely Saturday? I'm trying to study but it's hard to focus. I feel great but unfocused. Maybe a little tired. I think that's the abilify making me kind of sleepy. Trying to bring me down! Uggggghhh. I'm hungry but I don't really want to eat more I ate some pork for lunch. I shouldn't snack. Maybe I'll have some alcohol later hahaha. I just want to talk talk talk but I don't know what to talk about I'm afraid I'm annoying everyone I know. Other friends are all busy and don't want to talk. I don't want to bother my mother she's watching a movie. My sister is playing a game. Talk talk talk.

What is my food is poisoned how do I know. How can I trust it. I think I trust my mom and sister. I don't think they're in on it. Stealing my thoughts and all that. Maybe my doctor is in on it with those drugs... Maybe that's the poison.

Waiting for my headphones to charge. My arm feels terrible today, the one they took blood from yesterday. It didn't bother me after the vaccines but now it does. There's a huge dark bruise too.

I can never remember my dreams since about 10 years ago? I have this recurring dream and I know when I have it, but I can't remember what it is.

I don't ever want kids I don't like the idea of being a parent and I don't really like kids I've never taken care of a kid before I would be terrible at it and cause them emotional harm for sure maybe I'll **** them up with genetics too.

Half of math (Pure mathematics) is intuition and describes nature, all coming from the human mind/consciousness 1:1 God - Terence McKenna.

Science is like doing something 100 times and if the 101st time is right, the 102nd time must be right too..

Intuition is just knowing - And so we must go deep into the understanding and explanation of the thing.

As you can see, the middle is where we must be - But it's fun to laugh about the interest of things and go deeper to find true meaning. The magic is everywhere.. But it can be damn depressing too...

Drugs for example are cool to younger people - Like sex, cars, money.. The universe is a novelty producing machine. Some people just want to say they've done something without diving deep into it.

The whole universe has many realms.. There will be better and bigger particle accelerators.. But where does it end? Will we populate other planets? Dive deep into a grain of sand, see infinity..

Remember that things have to be stable.. Use your pattern finding abilities that don't make unrelated connections like conspiracy theorists.. Yes they may be right but it depends on the world that you want to live in. Sometimes you'll be doing something and get interrupted and be like "facckkk" - But be calm.

Eastern religions and all philosophies are written out.. You can use them - I think many thoughts of people in the world aren't original. Do I have to know so much information to eventually have original ideas? Maybe.. Sometimes I just don't care enough.

I was getting my haircut and the guy getting his haircut next to me was talking about his business. "Why can't I own a business?" I say.. "How does this person have so much energy to talk? I want to be like him. I wish I was a manic ESTP".

But we all have our paths as organisms. The point at where I admit psychosis/delusion etc is tolerant because I know that I control my own problematic manifestations - Other people are connected to different realms than me - And we must all come together and be OK. A lot of the reasons as to why I am the way I am is cuz of the apathy I feel - Which is worse for the world than hate according to some religions.

I can't get behind conspiracy theories they're so racist and bigoted. Only ones I believe are the ones against myself hahahaha.

My worst nightmare lasted a few seconds during a micro-sleep.

Mom was watching this movie Bliss where they were addicted to drugs and having a shared hallucination and delusion that they were in a simulation. WEIRD. But also begs to question what is real???

What if my doctor is in on it and the drugs are poison... I can't shake this feeling.

Maybe you guys aren't real and I"m just talking to myself here.

I’m real.....just been busy today......

You are not the only solipsistic! We are real.. Just living our daily lives..

Maybe try distracting yourself with non-psychosis idea provoking/triggering tasks or meditation..

I'd find it interesting to try meditation while manic.. It would be interesting.. (But not psychosis)..

Sorry guys I'm just all over the place. I realize you guys are busy I'm just annoying lmao.