Roll Call 180

Ah, I am torn up about whether or not to do my job.

Usually best just to get on and do it. Then you get paid!

Feeling a bit better ^-;

Just needed to get out of bed and do something.

Thanks! I was able to go for about 40-45 minutes. That is good for today. I also scheduled hours for next week.

Also I put fertilizer in my semi-dying plant to see if I can revive it. Hopefully it starts growing again.

Feeling more focused for sure.

I wrote a working program for an assignment for my C++ course! Going to try to work on parts 2 and 3 for the assignment and try to get it done in before the weekend.

Then hopefully I can figure out the third assignment this weekend, and then schedule my exam for probably mid-to-late April and be done with the course finally.

Not going to stress if I don’t get it all done this weekend. I have until end of April to get the whole course done.

Also I need to get my taxes ready this weekend. Hopefully I get a good return. Will help with my debt.

Working through a DBT workbook

I feel like DHA/EPA omega 3 fish oil pills take just a few days to start working. I've been taking them on and off for almost 7 years now - Mostly 1 a day, sometimes 4 a day.

The only problem that I have is that it can thin the blood which can cause heart palpitations when I'm trying to sleep at night? I'm not sure..

But yeah I think that fish oil pills are more important than I thought they were. Most of the brain is made of DHA? "DHA comprises over 90% of the omega-3 fatty acids in your brain and up to 25% of its total fat content".

I thought.. These fatty acids MUST cause neurogenesis in the brain just like psychedelics can - Because it feels the same (When I take 4 a day) - I'm able to focus on reading without problem even when the Vyvanse wears off (It helps with ADHD). I haven't been taking them for a week or so and I just CAN'T read like I keep skim reading everything which isn't good and it's painful.

But there's studies that say that fish oil does cause neurogenisis - "
Omega-3 fatty acids upregulate adult neurogenesis", "Research Brief: DHA Promotes Neurogenesis, Neurite ...", etc..

Fish oil seems to work better for me than microdosing psilocybin.

I went grocery shopping today, found everything on my list. Shouldn't have to go again for quite awhile. Tomorrow I have to catch up on/do all my cleaning I didn't do while depressed. Trying to pull myself out of a slump.

I finished my second assignment! I feel good about it.

I’m going to try to see if I can figure out assignment three this weekend.

Feels good getting stuff done!

"Olanzapine potentiates neuronal survival and neural stem cell differentiation: regulation of endoplasmic reticulum stress response proteins"

"Chronic Olanzapine or Fluoxetine Administration Increases Cell Proliferation in Hippocampus and Prefrontal Cortex of Adult Rat"

"Long-term treatment with olanzapine increases the number of Sox2 and doublecortin expressing cells in the adult subventricular zone"

So yes.. I support olanzepine. The greatest med of all time! Because it's like a neuroprotective benzo? Yes...

God I need to get out of this house. Everything is so boring.

I didn't apply for the job yet cuz my mom was busy but I will next Monday.

On another note: I've very suspicious of psychiatry.. But I'm also suspicious of conspiracy theorists.. In general I'm just suspicious of everything.

I used to be pretty skeptical of psychiatry until I realized it helps me. Psychiatry as an institution used to scare me a lot. I used to read a lot of Thomas Szasz. I then realized that his position is just a critique of psychiatry. It's not like meant to make patients stop taking their meds. I guess? I am still a skeptic, but I know treatment has helped me a lot. I in fact don't know where I'd be without treatment, honestly.

Yeah.. There's just so much information about meds and drugs that are funded by Big Pharma.

I think psychiatry is good. I should have said the "Pharmaceutical companies".

All things are really scewed and polarized right now.. But I think in a few years, we'll understand more about things. Psychiatry can only get better - Cuz in the 50's etc that was baaaad...

I'm just very happy with olanzepine ^-; Psychiatrists love this med except that it makes people gain weight.

At least a month.....

I read this history of psychiatry before and it’s horrifying what some of the history is. But it’s come a long long LONG way.

I was talking to my mom thinking about the future. I was hoping it would take me just over four years to finish my degree but I don’t want to go too fast and burn myself out what what working full time, my mental health, needing to have free time. So I think six years is a good goal to have.

And just think in six years hopefully still working at the same company I’ll have almost ten years under my belt with them. Working on my skills along the way I should be able to work myself up to a good position.

I know I’m thinking ahead a lot but I’ll have to eventually decide if I want to go for a masters or PhD or just be done with learning. Or go for something like a finance degree. Never know what I’ll be thinking in six years!

But I feel giddy now thinking about it. I don’t feel tired anymore. I want to just enjoy the happy but a little part of me is worried I feel a bit hypomanic.

I got a piece of mystery mail today. I was afraid at first, but I no longer believe it's hate mail. I haven't opened it yet. It's probably something really boring and mundane. But how often does one receive a card or letter from a stranger who writes "personal" on the envelope. I guess I'll open the card tomorrow maybe. I wish I had some Klonopin.

Learning is always good! I always dream about next steps with learning and in my career and what not. That's always a good thing to dream about!

Drinking a ridiculously strong cup of coffee this morning. Also I am hoping the fish oil will help at least somewhat. I am not expecting it to kick in right away. But since I already had been taking some fish oil, perhaps it'll be faster? Anyway, I am happy that I made it to work even if it was only for a short time yesterday. That boosted my confidence significantly.