Roll Call 181

I think I might. She thinks I do. Because I’ve been on a lot of different antipsychotics and I’m still struggling so she thinks it may be time to try this. I’m a little nervous about it. With it being a last resort med and all. But I hope maybe it’s the one that will help me.

Yes, I would be nervous about it too, for the same reason. The only thing I really notice about your challenges are like the impulsive thoughts, like quitting all your meds, or drinking too much coffee, or things I can't think of right now. I don't think of you as delusional or hallucinogetic l and I'm always surprised to see you're on aps. But you deserve all the privacy you wish about your circumstances.

I hope if you take the clozaril that it does help. *hugs*

Yeah I don’t talk much about my hallucinations and stuff on here. Idk why. I know it’s a psych forum but I just feel better talking about my daily life, it’s kind of like an escape from that. A place to talk to friends about what I’ve been up to aside from that.

I have an appointment with my therapist today @4pm.

I feel like I need to drink all my Irish cream before I start clozaril next week. I’ll be too scared to drink while on it.

Yes, I've been very lucky that my ap helps and I don't have that awful voice torturing me anymore. I still have issues with paranoia though. I don't like needing aps. They make it hard to write and I have at least 2 writing projects I'm hoping to do. Since I can't work on a computer here I'll have to write hard copies by hand in my composition books. That's how I wrote my trashy novel in the 90s. It was so much fun, but I wasn't on meds then.

So I really just talk about every day stuff too. I'm skeptical of some of the things I believed in the past like gang stalking. People just aren't that organized.

Okay I’m not feeling so bad today. A little more focused. I got all the work I was supposed to get done yesterday done this morning. Now working on new stuff so I can relax a bit.

I feel like a sack of garbage from Klonopin. Why the devil does Klonopin even exist?

How does one combat the brain fog induced by Klonopin. I am really at a loss here.

My sleep is still not right. I slept through the night only 2 times since I switched my medicine to night time. Otherwise I’m still sleeping during the day.

Is this really all medicine related? Ugh I wonder if I have a physical condition going on. This makes no sense. At all.

When I was working and making myself get up in the morning, I was so incredibly tired most days. Or at least half the days. But I still stayed up, even after work, and my sleep schedule was on point. I slept every night. So I feel perhaps maybe some has so to do with me not being as active in doing things during the day, but there’s gotta be more to it.

I’ve been dealing with excessive sleepiness since I been on AP’s starting with seroquel or haldol, one, back in 2007. Whichever I was on first. I don’t remember. Before that, I was in high school and still on meds but not AP’s. Just AD’s and AA’s. So I was still sleepy but that also could’ve been teen issues cuz I was staying up into the night, etc and school is exhausting of course on top of that.

I literally don’t know what’s wrong anymore. Idk if it’s the meds anymore FULLY or idfk. It’s driving me insane for a straight decade now. Fckkk.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

Worried. I made a 60 second video on TikTok about how depression and anxiety makes u stay awake in the middle of the night. And it’s blowing up. Just worried cuz i don’t do video stuff anymore. I hope I don’t get bullied on that platform.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I'm not going to play doctor because that's not allowed on this forum but why does your doctor think that you need clozapine? It seems like your symptoms (psychotic ones) are under control. Clozapine is helpful for those who don't respond to other antipsychotics and/or those who are I guess I don't necessarily get the logic behind that. Plus you have to get a bunch of blood draws and that's a pain, etc. I'm not discouraging you from going on it nor am I for going on it either. I just want you to consider the risks and potential benefits because it is a really serious medication.

Also I feel like I found the meaning in my life. It's writing in Spanish.

Beautiful sleep

Don't wanna take meds anymore. Someone convince me otherwise. I hate psychiatry as an institution.

I think meds phenomenologically change me.

Think how you were at your worst without meds. That should be enough to keep you taking meds.

AHHHHH. I know. You're right.

I just hate how it's like a game with the meds. It feels like a game.

I know what you mean though I hate having to take meds. Side effects, money, the fact that you’re dependant on something. I had to come to terms with the fact I’ll probably have to be on meds the rest of my life.

Erti#11339