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Default May 11, 2021 at 11:50 AM
  #201
I'm happy I got my butt up today and came to work. And then I actually got some work done! Amazing! I have gotten quite a bit done the past two days at work actually. I feel good about that. I feel.....productive!

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Default May 11, 2021 at 12:03 PM
  #202
Why am I always hungry in the middle of the night how am I going to have a flat abs 😞

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Default May 11, 2021 at 12:13 PM
  #203
Being productive at work today actually! Focused and getting stuff done. People sent me things as rush rush rush which can be a little overwhelming but once I got organized it’s been going swimmingly.

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Default May 11, 2021 at 02:03 PM
  #204
Still hanging in there. Not only am I not depressed, I'm actually in a pretty good mood. That often happens when I get really anxious like I did yesterday. The period after it I feel really good. I've had a few delusional intrusions but nothing majorly triggering.

Been practicing my drawing and I'll do some more for awhile. Then some DBT.

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Default May 11, 2021 at 03:19 PM
  #205
Grocery stores are over whelming
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Default May 11, 2021 at 03:21 PM
  #206
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Grocery stores are over whelming
I agree.....

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Default May 11, 2021 at 03:29 PM
  #207
The Scotsman (he wears a kilt), was in my seat when I got outside to vape so they had to get me a chair from the lobby. I hate getting out there and having nowhere to sit. He's a womanizer, too. @Blue_Bird if you're living in a bad area, please get some pepper spray to carry in your pocket. Roll Call 184
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Default May 11, 2021 at 04:07 PM
  #208
Had a good day at work. No weird thoughts. Got my work done. Not much procrastinating. Now I'm trying to study but am on here instead. Oops. I wish I got the mark back from my first Java assignment.
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Default May 11, 2021 at 06:28 PM
  #209
My pdoc took away the one sleep med that that had ever worked, Doxepin. I'm guessing she thought it might have made me go into a psychotic break. But in fact it was her suggestion to take my AP before bed, without food. That and I decreased the amount to 60mgs, which is pretty low. I'm still confused about all of that to be honest. I'm no longer panicking though. It's all in the past. I feel safe now.
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Default May 11, 2021 at 07:10 PM
  #210
I had a good sleep this morning, slept in. I went for a 2 hour hike with my mom because it was sunnier and then went to drive to see the Montana border but I started to feel completely anhedonic and suicidal. I took a long nap when I got back to the hotel and feel a bit better.

I chewed a nicotine gum for the first time in 10 days.. I have sinned!! But I'll chew them rarely - They're just so good for focus (I don't advise).

I put 10mg of dextroamphetamine under my tongue after my nap - Veins are kinda big which worries me. I might have to get the doctor to check my blood pressure and see if it's ok otherwise take 50mg Vyvanse in the morning instead of 60mg.
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Default May 11, 2021 at 08:58 PM
  #211
Bb I’m so amazed and motivated by you

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Default May 11, 2021 at 09:12 PM
  #212
I'm gonna read about cryptography tonight or maybe do a course about it.

If Dogecoin gets super high imma be annoyed
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Default May 11, 2021 at 09:19 PM
  #213
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I'm gonna read about cryptography tonight or maybe do a course about it.

If Dogecoin gets super high imma be annoyed

TO THE MOOOOON!!! Ha.

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Default May 11, 2021 at 09:27 PM
  #214
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Bb I’m so amazed and motivated by you
Aww thanks!! I don't see how anyone could be motivated by me but I appreciate that a lot, I'm trying to make a lot of changes in my life You're very inspiring as well!

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Default May 11, 2021 at 09:29 PM
  #215
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@Blue_Bird if you're living in a bad area, please get some pepper spray to carry in your pocket. Roll Call 184

That's a good idea, there's so many shootings and stabbings in this neighborhood

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Default May 12, 2021 at 01:29 AM
  #216
It’s gonna be a long night

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Default May 12, 2021 at 06:23 AM
  #217
Onion rings and a smoothie for breakfast. Part healthy, part junk lol

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Default May 12, 2021 at 08:35 AM
  #218
I’m gonna have my sister pick up some cannolis from the bakery next month for my birthday

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Default May 12, 2021 at 08:47 AM
  #219
Hi,
I got art supplies yesterday. We even went to target and I got some new clothes and shoes. Sometimes I feel like people are staring at me when I go to stores because sometimes it obvious that I am different. It makes me feel bad. My mon told me not to worry about it and that it’s part of accepting myself.
I kinda wish I was more normal sometimes. But I love my new shoes and art supplies. Today is going to be a quiet day then I have work and therapy this weekend.
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Default May 12, 2021 at 10:10 AM
  #220
Session with Dr. K went okay yesterday. It is weird doing telehealth with him sort of because I have never seen him in person. Whereas with Pdoc I've seen him in person and regular T does phone calls only or in person.

He kept reminding me that I have a thought disorder (schizoaffective disorder depressed type) and that some of my thoughts may not be real. This totally confounds me. I mean I *have* them so how can they not be real? I mean, they certainly exist.

I'll give an example. Sometimes there is a demon in my head and he tells me things mostly things like to hurt myself. But he isn't always there. And his voice is inside not outside which is how I know he is in my head. I have voices that are outside of my head and they are not in my head but I hear them. But he is in my head because the voice is inside of my head. He said lets just suppose this isn't real. He said some people think they can communicate with aliens or that the CIA is after them (who knows, maybe they are!) and how that isn't real.

Now I don't know if aliens exist but if people think they can talk to them, maybe they can. And the CIA well who knows what they are up to. I generally think my life is far too boring for the CIA to be after me personally. Like I think they have other suspects that have much more interesting lives. But who knows, since I was hospitalized IP maybe they do have me on some sort of watch list and monitor my movements. If so they have a very boring job because I go to work, Target, home, Del Taco, and Church. Pretty boring.

Back to the demon thing. Most of ya'll know that I am very religious. I believe in Angels and so I believe in their counterpart, Demons. To say they aren't real goes against some pretty ingrained religious beliefs that I have, which are not likely to change. Actually he didn't say they didn't exist. He said the opposite of good is not evil, it's the absence of good. But I don't know that I believe that either. Too much fire and brimstone in my religious background.

So he said when I have a demon in my head then I am supposed to think good thought and if I can't think good thoughts I am supposed to read good thoughts. Like affirmations or a religious text. Ha. I should read Ezekiel or Revelations. That's a religious text but one that scares the bejeebies out of me.

He said if I was Catholic I could have an exorcism. I told him I'm not Catholic and that my denomination doesn't do exorcisms. But doesn't that mean that they are real if you have to do something to get rid of them? See the whole thing was rather confusing.

I do like that we did at least talk about it in some detail. Regular T just skips over stuff like this and I am left feeling like I don't know what to do with it. I'm just not sure what he is trying to tell me. The whole thing was rather confusing.

Anyway I see him in two weeks. This time at 4 PM so I won't have to miss any work. I'm happy about that.

Comments are okay. I am rather confused on how the whole thing went anyhow. I don't think I could be more confused than I am now. HUGS to anyone who wants them!

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