Roll Call 185

Inner Speech: Development, Cognitive Functions, Phenomenology, and Neurobiology

Also treating and ties inner speech with working memory.....

A lot of meds cause my working memory to blank out. I couldn't focus, I couldn't remember instructions from 5 seconds ago. I had to write everything down so I could visually look at it in real time.

Meds that have cause my working memory to completely malfunction are Risperidone and Seroquel, (AP's). There was another, that I can't remember. Working memory is needed to form coherent, sentences and thoughts. If that's down, it all comes crumbing down. Maybe re-evaluate your meds? What's your med list? I periodically have have to remind my pdoc, "Hey, if I can't read then I can't be myself."

A few months after my extreme 100x ego deaths trip, I had thought blocking when speaking in group sessions at the psych ward - But I didn't feel as if my thoughts were being stolen. I once paused for a good fat minute while talking. The staff was thinking of bringing me back into the acute ward cuz of this.

I was on Abilify and Concerta. I was put on Invega, Vyvanse and olanzepine and then I could talk!

Btw.. Me (Ego) knows about these things.. I could explain but very tired after the hike..

Hugs to all <3

My long term memory is very bad but short term is very good.. All I think about is what I'm doing in the past day.. I don't think about yesterday.. I don't think much about the past - Just the cringy things that my mind tortures itself with.

I say to myself, "Once my life is perfect, I will try to remember things" - But it's never perfect is it!!..

I felt like that when I first started Thorazine. Like I had no thoughts in my head

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SK, my fish out is Dr. Tobias
2 soft gel pill (serving size has 2000mgs
800 mgs of EPA for heart
600 mgs for brain

This is exactly why we're here though. To talk things through. =)

I’m gonna talk to my doctor about coming off some of my meds. I’m on 6 meds, it just seems like too much.

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My working memory is down 20 points on Abilify.....what did you find that doesn’t do that?

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Was feeling a suicidal depersonalization/derealization so I took olanzepine, kratom and had a 30 minute nap.

Now I'm going to go get ice-cream. It was 30C/86F degrees today. It's starting to cool down now.

I want to do a new cognitive test and see how bad my cognition is o.-

I'm on Geodon which was the second AP i tried and it has been my one constant med I stayed on because it's side effect free for me. However, for others, it's *horrible*. My roommate was going through withdrawals heavily on it because the short life is so short 7 hours. People are suppose to take it twice a day but I couldnt because it would make me fall asleep while at work. So I just take it at night, and for some reason it works just fine.

The reason I tried seroquel as supplemental was for sleep, and it helped me sleep, but it destroyed my memory so I got off it as soon as I could.

As an aside, I grew up with a reading disability, I can't really fluid read (read with speed), all I've ever been well at is deep reading, which is slow and takes a lot of engagement, perfect for philosophy. It took me a month to read purgatorio (mostly just on the weekends.) So I might not be great on this front lol But I can do philosophy just fine. But dante is one of the hardest reads a person can give a try at. For fluid reads I take your advice and do audio books.
It's strange being on geodon because other hypomanic symptoms remain, at least until my pdoc induced a manic switch that almost killed me.

I might as well stay on the 525mg Invega Sustenna + 10mg olanzepine cuz mush has given me the gift of the cosmos (Balanced manic psychosis). I don't advise.

My doctor said something that sticks out to me. How I’ve been going on cycles lately. Manic, depressed, psychotic. He sounds a bit like he was getting exhausted of helping me. I feel bad. I joke that I’m complicated and he agrees. I’m a special kind of complicated. He doesn’t mean bad by it. He’s not a psychiatrist so he’s doing the best he can.

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A lot of people with bipolar require constant med adjustments.

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Went grocery shopping. About to get on the bus to go home

I got London broil and Lacey Swiss cheese freshly sliced from the deli

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Morning all!

I've been waking up anxious in the mornings lately. I think it's anxiety about getting triggered by a delusion which will make me even more anxious. I'll do some meditation and take my shower after I post here. That should help.

Some good news though. I lost 6 more pounds last month to make a total of 32 pounds gone of the Olanzapine weight gain. I have a lot more to lose but the keto diet I've been on has erased the appetite increase that comes with Olanzapine.

I have my T appointment this morning and look forward to it as usual. I don't tend to get triggered on days I'm going to have face-to-face contact with someone so that's a good prognosis for today.

Had a nice visit with the family yesterday. I am so grateful my parents are leading long lives. Every day with them is a gift.

Hope you all have a peaceful day. Hang in there,

Ceara

I got some tofu just out of curiosity. Maybe I’ll use it to make stir fry and see how it goes

This is everything I got

- [ ] 1/2 gallon fat free milk
- [ ] Wheat bread
- [ ] All natural peanut butter
- [ ] Butter
- [ ] Ramen (chicken, packs,) x6
- [ ] Buffalo chicken bites frozen
- [ ] Luigis Italian ice (blue raspberry/watermelon) frozen section.
- [ ] Chocolate chips
- [ ] Salt
- [ ] Horseradish sauce
- [ ] Lace Swiss 1/2lb from deli
- [ ] London broil 1/2lb from deli
- [ ] Prosciutto wrapped mozzarella sticks
- [ ] cake
- [ ] Watermelon (slices)
- [ ] Cucumbers
- [ ] Spinach fresh x2
- [ ] Grape/cherry tomatoes
- [ ] Hamburger buns
- [ ] Spanakopita
- [ ] Tofu

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I feel like punching myself in the face, literally. I am so ****ing agitated and hate myself.