Roll Call 185

Cut back on sugar and coffee for a week and then when the week is over, put sugar in your coffee for a week as a treat, then a little bit and then stop sugar (But still have other treats).. (That's my thought process on how I'd do it).

Idk if that's helpful at all o.-

I sat in the living room all day and my cat has been sleeping beside me all day. She usually stays in my room. She follows me everywhere I go.

I used my sisters yoga mat in the living room to meditate for 10 minutes - I set a timer. My back was facing against the window - Lots of thoughts but kept bringing myself back to the breath. Tomorrow I'll do it for 20 minutes (Mindfulness meditation) and I'll try and do this every day in the afternoon or when I'm finished working.

The stimulant gives me a good amount of focus every time that I do this - But I feel a lingering sense of sadness like everything will being taken away and that I'll be tortured - But I'll try not to manifest this and only mention it once. I think it leads to gratitude.

The mushes will come in handy for later once I get the hang of this.

If anyone has some insight about myself and what I've been posting here, let me know - Positive or negative. It would help me out.

I haven't talked to anyone in a long time and I feel like I'm just on autopilot. I'm not scared of criticism. I'm never anxious (Except when I get rare dissociative panic attacks) - So no Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I like to face my problems head on because I'm too curious but it seems like I've just been getting bad luck lately.

I feel like every piece of me is damaged because I can't let go of the toxicity of what those people said in the video chat. My self esteem has become very low. I realize that I need to change and stop avoiding pain. I feel like I'm manifesting a self-torturous hell.

I feel like I don't care about myself or like I don't even want to. What's the point? I've been around so many sociopaths. Idk if I really take anything seriously. People are like "I must do this because this happened in life". I don't get it. I never felt like I had a choice in anything - And I'm a long way from ever standing up for myself. Assertiveness feels like aggression because I've been so beaten down that any time I try, it's at the wrong time or unneeded. It's like I want to fix things NOW.

Maybe I have a form of psychosis. My thoughts are mixed with mystical forces or demons controlling all of my thoughts - Maybe OCD.

Gosh I wish it were Saturday. Can't wait to meet the cats! There's a couple of pretty pretty ones on the website. Luna, Coral, Vivian, Ava. I hope one of them is cuddly.

I somehow managed to get that job interview back since they were willing to consider someone part time instead of full time. I cannot do full time right now. But part time would be good. Anyway, that interview is tomorrow.

I sat in the living room all day and my cat has been sleeping beside me all day. She usually stays in my room. She follows me everywhere I go.

I somehow managed to get that job interview back since they were willing to consider someone part time instead of full time. I cannot do full time right now. But part time would be good. Anyway, that interview is tomorrow.

I’m feeling pretty decent today

I had a nice day yesterday with minimal anxiety. I practiced my drawing some (no images of Dr. Phil) and finished a DBT book my last T gave me that I've been reading. Then I went to the folks' for our usual Wednesday evening visit. Got home about 10pm.

I tend to feel positive on Thursdays because it's the day before Friday and Friday means the weekend. So, I'm feeling upbeat this morning. I've got my T appointment this morning, too, which I look forward to.