Roll Call 186

Good luck falcon.

I wrote another episode of my novella

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I am on less Klonopin today. I managed not to freak out at my doctor, which is good. I think he's fine.

I'm listening to smooth jazz right now.

That’s how it was for me at my old community clinic. I’m so sorry falcs.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

So my pdoc said I can do pills instead of injections!!! So happy

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

T appointment yesterday with Dr. K.

We actually made it through all of my topics. I'm frustrated he didn't take the SH more seriously. Because I was very serious about it. But I can sort of understand that since it has been almost 18 months he is lulled into a false security about it. But not me.

He listened to me whine about my sister, and whine about my Mom being sick, and he didn't seem to get the gravity of the anxiety I have about the trip this week/weekend. Driving by myself. Staying in a hotel by myself. Etc. Etc. The "by myself" part. He was like I'm sure you have Google Maps. You'll be fine. I didn't need a pep talk. I needed someone to listen to me worry and validate that it is a scary experience that I am doing but hopefully one of growth. He agreed with me that things are weird right now. Not that it made me feel any better. He told me I need a hobby. I tried to tell him I have zero motivation. He told me I just need to find what I am passionate about. I told him what I am passionate about. He said I needed another hobby because that one didn't take up enough time.

I was left feeling.....irritated. He said I am coping good, which I suppose I am compared to how I was a year and a half ago. But he didn't get how close I was to SH at all. How close I still am. He's just like, keep not doing it. You'll be fine. Dismissive. I felt hurt by his lack of understanding. Perhaps I didn't explain it well enough. My parents were home and my Mom was listening I'm sure because I was in the dining room and she was in the kitchen. So I couldn't go in depth about some things. Usually I ask my parents to leave when I have the call but with my Mom not feeling well, I didn't.

I was explaining feeling empty. And numb. He said I needed to find my passion. He was sort of stuck on that. I think it's a side effect of the medication. Blunted affect and all that. I felt rather dissociated because I knew he wasn't getting it. He said I needed to write a religious book or something. I can barely manage a journal page much less a book.

I have Kayla tonight my case manager. Even though I'm not feeling well I feel self sabataging and that I should tell her that I am ready to discharge. I don't think she is helping me anyway.

I talked to my support people. Two got back to me. One didn't. One was basically like, you've got this. No. No. No. I don't have this. That's the point! I'm scared I'm in trouble here. The other one wasn't terribly helpful either. I know that she was trying to be helpful but it just fell flat. She's like you've resisted so many times before. I know. But this is different. It's consuming my mind.

I was left feeling like no one cares. I know this is a feeling that is probably lying to me. Two people got back to me on text. If they didn't care they wouldn't have bothered. Dr K probably doesn't care. He's paid to listen and give weird advice. He's not paid to care.

I'm a bit scared that I feel self sabataging because I know how I get when I'm like this. I get to the point where I don't care and that's a problem. Because then I can hurt myself very badly. And I so don't want to go to the hospital again. Ugh. So I am trying to hold onto that as a possible consequence.

He's thrilled that the hallucinations are less. I don't think I've been delusional but how can one really know? The stupid medications that make me a zombie have at least taken away the voices. But I'm left a robot zombie. I feel disillusioned. And I'm actively struggling against myself today. But I'm afraid to wear out my support people. They don't care anyway.

I care @SK <3

I don't understand much about SH but I did it to myself in the past without insight that I was causing myself harm (Research chemicals/Potent and toxic dangerous drugs).. So I suppose that it was my way of coping from trauma and not feeling like I was wanted in life.

Dr. K is an asshole.. He reminds me of those video chat people that I've talked to saying that I need something to "Live and die for". He went to the washroom and told me to decide before he came back. I wouldn't talk to him anymore - Just for meds and that's it. Most psychiatrists are egotistical and don't have much empathy.

You've been validating yourself very well in this post. You have good insight. Just know that you're loved by me and everyone here and it's always a place where you can feel safe to vent.. You don't want to SH.. The brain chemicals do.. It's a dormant coping mechanism - Where in the right circumstances of life, could never happen again - But be mindful that it is an impulse and not a choice. Make sure you analyze your thoughts to feel better and prevent the impulse. You just need reassurance.

There's a darkness to SH. An video played in my mind of a beheading I saw years ago and I was like "Wow man I might be disturbed or something..." then I was like "Nah.. I'm not.." then laughed to myself - I was walking with my mom. All of my thoughts, I don't judge them. They're just thoughts and images of an infinite beauty or horror that we call reality.

Does the Vyvanse not help with the tiredness of the antipsychotics? It helps greatly for me.. Maybe try switching to another stimulant. If Dr. K is dismissing everything like an idiot, he should at least make up for it by being good at prescribing meds... He must be good for something.. In order to help.. He's supposed to help. Maybe he's exhausted from the pandemic idk.. A lot of health care workers are quitting their jobs.. That doesn't mean that you should give up.

I've been through complete hell.. But I've managed to still feel a type of humour or sense that life is a little bit of an absurd thing where whatever happens to me, it's OK. It IS ok @SK. You have so much empathy that you can absorb negative energy from people that aren't - You mirror their lack of empathy and that can feel like a deep emptiness. You are in the dark and running from your demons - But there is always a light, far away.. Try to manifest that type of feeling instead. Seeds grow alone in dark soil? If you could only see how much potential you have - You lack motivation but don't give up.

You have great challenges but you're not alone here at least.. Numbness can be depression, schizophrenia, trauma.. Don't lose hope. I'm concerned about your SH but and it's more in your control than anyone else - Well, other people can cause the impulse as well so watch out - It's like a double edged sword. That's why psychiatric patients can be treated so badly in hospitals because it's a power/control game to enforce desired behaviour by someone else.

I've thought to myself that if I need to go to the hospital from feeling so much pain, feeling unsafe with my mind, it's OK. I accept what ever happens. I don't think it can get any worse in that state - And like a wave, in and out.. Like stopping for a second to breathe and be mindful - No one can take anyone's soul..

I got so pissed after being dismissed by people and they tell me the most stupid things. I used to be so innocent from that nonsense and the stuff replays in my mind all day sometimes - Like if someone shouts at me on the street or does something stupid, I'm like "Fck I've been trying to think properly and now I have to deal with NONSENSE.. from another person projecting their troubled mind onto me.. Why?? Why about it all" but with time, you forget.. Like driving.. Try to feel safe, contemplate.. It's a journey. The journey of life. You manifest your reincarnated realities every second through every waking moment. Just remember that it is OK to feel the way that you do - It's a sign that you're alive.

Thank you Desoxyn. I know you guys care. You wrote such a beautiful response to me. I cried a little. I think I'm just so tired of holding it all together. I am falling apart. I might need a few days in the hospital. I don't want to go but maybe they would adjust my meds or something helpful. Maybe just having the break and having nothing to do but sit in their stupid classes and watch the nonsense on TV. I'll try to hold it together though. I'm supposed to go see my sister and some of her kids Thursday through Saturday. I don't want to let the kids down. HUGS Desoxyn. Thanks for being you!

That's good.. To have something to look forward to. If you can try and hold it together for seeing your sister + kids, that's a good mind trick to play on yourself (Love for seeing sister and kids) - Then hospital if you're still feeling like you can't take it anymore. But who knows - maybe the visit could help a little or at least give you some clarity assuming that you're able to talk to your sister about a few struggles before possibly going to the hospital. Keep it in the back of your mind.. Or you could go to the hospital.

I went to the hospital last summer just to be safe and get my meds adjusted. That's why my doctor was annoyed wrongly saying I was fine and didn't need hospital - He is dismisses af.. But I don't care anymore - In a good way.

Therapy went well. First time in 2 months I’ve seen her.

I opened up completely

She let me nborrow this. Said it’s the only one she has since I’m her only client with schizophrenia spectrum disorder.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I almost went to the hospital earlier this year. I ended up doing an IOP instead. It helped a great deal. I'd say if you feel like you really cannot hold it together then go to the ER. If it's not quite at that level, maybe think about a different level of care? I know that IOPs can be pretty expensive, (it was in my case), but it helped a lot without disrupting my life a whole lot. Anyway, sending positive vibes your way!

Also, trips in and of themselves can be stressful. I have found that in my own case.

I want 2 master in anthropology, neuroscience and AI technology + philosophy o.-

I cannot complete this in my lifetime tho.. So a dead dream forever it will be

I feel so chained down my parents.

If I don’t call them they are like “why haven’t you called me?” “You haven’t talked to me, idk what’s going on with you” etc

And my grandma called and left a voicemail saying “why don’t u call me anymore? I don’t know you anymore”

Ugh

I just wanna live my life. It’s hard having to do what I need to do daily PLUS spend phone time with them daily. I just wanna live my life.

"We're all born to broken people on their most honest day of living"

The Dopamine Flux
www.thedopamineflux.com

Youtube channel
https://www.youtube.com/user/MozePrayIII

I'm having a really bad panic attack right now, the worst I've had in a long time.

I just took a klonopin and am holding an ice pack to try and ground myself, I feel terrible

Live your life! You've improved greatly.. Just take the Haldols etc.. Family is important but don't let them hold you back until you feel comfortable. For me, it doesn't matter how long I haven't talked to a family member.. We know life is what is it and then after a long time, we talk like there was no time in between us...

Sorry BB.. I wish I could help. You've went a long time going without a panic attack though. I wonder what you did right up until now. The agoraphobia could be disabling you so try to sort it out one at a time..

It'll be over soon. My panic attacks used to last hours.. Hopefully max 1 hour for you..

Then try to read a good book after if it doesn't exhaust you out..

Thank you Desoxyn

Mine used to last hours too. It sucks, I'm sorry you experienced that too. I'm hoping this goes away, because in addition to the heart pounding panic I'm also worried my meds are poisoning me and that there's chemicals in my veins killing me.

Getting to know the new dog. her name is Luka. It's stressful and I'm trying to stay calm so the dog stays calm. So far she's very mellow although she lunged and barked at another dog this morning when we were outside. Not good. My dad said it may just be stress from being in unfamiliar territory. Hopefully she will calm down outside.

Its Wednesday so we will be going to my folks place today. I hope Luka does OK there.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.