Roll Call 187

God.. Everything is so damn overwhelming - Yet I'm content. Idk what's gonna happen. I need 2 socialize with people. I need light!..

I'm much better today than yesterday. I didn't have the motivation to brush my teeth or shave - I was like "Wow.. I've been doing so good with hygiene these past few years that I completely understand how bad negative symptoms can be" - Because I took mush and smoked weed. So I didn't do that today.

I'm excited.. I'm calm too.. A few days ago, I brought my computer outside and it felt so natural to complete making the Monero wallet. I tried to read outside a bit about fasting but I wasn't up to it.

Work these past few days was so easy as well. Time went by really fast.. Two more days left and then I'll work Friday-Sunday instead of also Monday.

I realize how well I'm doing.. I was sui last week. Idk what happened.. I don't remember much these days - I think it's the pandemic.. I'm ok with myself - I try to help my mom because she's so stressed.. It's still chaos in a way but I'm keeping track of everything.

I'm taking the stimulant 95% as prescribed - It really helps with focus and my daydreaming. I thought about buying drugs online but I think that time has passed. My cousin will visit and I'm not sure how I should explain my drug use (He's been sober for 5+ years and got a psychology degree) - Like if I'm doing the opposite of sobriety and using drugs responsibly where the middle would be addiction.. Like how starving yourself is the opposite of fasting and normal is just eating unhealthy..

I have ideas.. I just try to drag along. One thing I've thought about is how exhausted I am. I remember when I was 19, I said "I won't live until age 20" but I did.. Then when I was 24, I said "I won't live until age 25" but I did.. And the thing to get over that feeling is to accept that I will live longer.. Another thing is the procrastination. I have a lot more energy now once I make the decision to be happier and more hopeful/optimistic. I know the deep depths of nihilism that can consume people - I think it's a choice.

Because many people don't have empathy like I do. I know that I'm supposed to fight but I understand people and their beliefs - My trip taught me that. There's so much political tension and people judge like "x person is x and I don't like..". I don't seem to identify with anything. I know that I'm hallucinating everything. I AM YOU. Namaste.

I should relax and listen to Alan Watts. If this particular weed strain makes me unmotivated like yesterday then I won't smoke it anymore. I'm sure that it was the mush capsule but usually after taking even that, I feel so much better a few days later. I did have heart palpitations last night - I had to take a clonazepam to sleep.

A good amount of hiking, sleep, healthy food/distilled water, meditation, learning, music, podcasts, books, meds/vitamins, socializing, exploring my mind an the world + A vacation soon to visit family after my sister leaves.. Things will be good. September will be good.

I mean I dislike religion personally but I wouldn’t **** on someone for being religious. To each their own.

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John Nash - He said "My delusions appeared to me in the same way that mathematical formulations did - So I took them seriously"

Hey everyone. Been doing ok lately. Just kinda stressed.

I just wanna listen to audiobooks for the rest of the day.

Talked to my sister on the phone for awhile tonight. Going over to her house tomorrow. Trying to start spending less money. Save up $1,000 to have just in case I ever need it in case of emergency or something like that

I hope you can call someone or get some support. Know that you're valued here. I know how hard it can be to deal with those types of thoughts.

I have no idea what to do with life

When I'm not on Vyvanse/Dexedrine, I zone out so badly. I zone out to the point of severe dissociation.

I slept this evening and now I'm awake at midnight. I have to work in the morning so I might just listen to a podcast outside then sleep.

I tried reading but I swear, everything I read triggers me.

Can you meditate? Sometimes I find that gives me some clarity. I use the app Headspace. I don't know about others, but I know that app has helped me A LOT in life. Of course, you don't have to do it. But just an idea I thought of.

Hugs bluebird....this is so not true....if you need to talk we’re here for you...

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Thanks SP and WastingAsparagus, I appreciate everyone here. I’m just frustrated with myself. I’m a failure in so many different ways.

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My sister is incoherent....they switched her to morphine and now she’s confused and not there.......

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You’re not a failure at all. You have a terrible illness that is interrupting periods of wellness. I’ve only had one episode and I had to change careers entirely. This would derail anyone and yet you’re still pushing forward. That persistence is admirable.

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I’m sorry, I’ll keep you guys in my prayers

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Thank you so much, that means a lot to me. I’m trying the best I can, I’ve just got to keep trying to improve.

I’m also guilty because of some crazy previous manic spending sprees from the spring/early summer I was just confronted about, and I feel really bad about that. I need to work harder to keep myself in control and keep that from happening again. I’ve got to keep taking my meds and stop messing with them. I also need to be honest with my therapist/psychiatrist about my problems instead of pretending everything is fine.

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I’m not hanging out with my sister today. I was up half the night coughing so I’m tired. And I’m honestly just not in the mood to hang out. We’ll hang out next weekend or the weekend after that.

I’m just honestly crying and I can’t be around anyone right now or I’ll end up crying in front of people and I don’t want that.

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HUGS Bluebird

Thank you!