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Default Sep 15, 2021 at 12:06 PM
  #641
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I stress a ton about being able to handle a full time or even part time job, but I think it would help me not ruminate so much.
Yeah rumination is a problem for me too. I was tempted to call out from work today but I didn't because I would have been ruminating all day. Plus I had stuff to do at work today. I could have done it tomorrow but I have a couple of big things tomorrow and would rather spend my time on those things tomorrow.

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Default Sep 15, 2021 at 12:08 PM
  #642
UGH. After dealing with some hallucinations, I relapsed last night. I told my case manager R who is pretty stern about it but thanked me for my honesty. If I SH again I have to sign some sort of re-commitment contract for the IOP. Not sure what that is but I don't want to know so I can't relapse again while in this program. Then this morning I took a chance and emailed the T...J to let her know and to apologize for breaking our contract. R is going to let her know but I wanted to be the one to tell her. She thanked me for my honesty and said that my safety is number one concern and to contact her or R if I SH again before Friday but otherwise we'll talk about it on Friday. So far my insurance has only approved 10 days. R said this is common and he has to keep asking for more. I hope he can get more because 10 days is only 3 more meetings. I think I need more than that. Stupid insurance. I'm mad at them. I'm mad at myself. I haven't told my parents (yet) so that'll be interesting. I did tell two of my support peeps and they were really supportive and stuff like that. UGH. so many mixed up emotions. But I am trying not to judge the emotions. That wouldn't be good. And I have some homework to do before I see the T that way I have "worked on" it. She didn't assign it but I got the idea from one of the IOP classes.

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Default Sep 15, 2021 at 12:10 PM
  #643
It's funny because I didn't used to like Halloween. (I think it is my Judeo Christian Background). I was never comfortable celebrating it. But the past several years I have been helping out at our Church's Trunk or Treat. And it's cute seeing the children in their costumes and they are excited to get candy and stuff and I sort of got over my fear of Halloween. Now I can enjoy it. I don't like anything too scary, bloody, gory, or anything but regular stuff I can handle.

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Default Sep 15, 2021 at 12:22 PM
  #644
I had a bit of a scare with tropical storm Nicholas yesterday but it turned to be not much of a storm--only a few trees down and I lost power for a few hours in the afternoon. But I was pretty anxious about it.

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Default Sep 15, 2021 at 03:14 PM
  #645
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UGH. After dealing with some hallucinations, I relapsed last night. I told my case manager R who is pretty stern about it but thanked me for my honesty. If I SH again I have to sign some sort of re-commitment contract for the IOP. Not sure what that is but I don't want to know so I can't relapse again while in this program. Then this morning I took a chance and emailed the T...J to let her know and to apologize for breaking our contract. R is going to let her know but I wanted to be the one to tell her. She thanked me for my honesty and said that my safety is number one concern and to contact her or R if I SH again before Friday but otherwise we'll talk about it on Friday. So far my insurance has only approved 10 days. R said this is common and he has to keep asking for more. I hope he can get more because 10 days is only 3 more meetings. I think I need more than that. Stupid insurance. I'm mad at them. I'm mad at myself. I haven't told my parents (yet) so that'll be interesting. I did tell two of my support peeps and they were really supportive and stuff like that. UGH. so many mixed up emotions. But I am trying not to judge the emotions. That wouldn't be good. And I have some homework to do before I see the T that way I have "worked on" it. She didn't assign it but I got the idea from one of the IOP classes.

I am sorry you experienced that. It's stressful trying to get insurance to pay for IOP - I can relate to that. In my case, they didn't pay any of it. Of course it varies. It's just cause I have a high deductible.

Anyway, it's okay to be mad at insurance. I think we've all been there.

Hope you can get the help and support you need from the IOP though. In my case, it really helped me out of a tough spot. Not saying my life is perfect now, but hopefully the IOP will help you out.

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Default Sep 15, 2021 at 04:47 PM
  #646
I really should try to get a shower this afternoon. UGH. I really don't want to. But I either need to do it this afternoon or tomorrow morning. And I know I'm not going to feel like doing it when I get up at 4 AM. IDK why it is so hard to get a shower. I usually feel better after I get one but getting myself to get my self in the shower is like pulling teeth. I haven't showered since Saturday so I am past time.

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Default Sep 15, 2021 at 05:02 PM
  #647
Having that chocolate peanut butter banana smoothie. It tastes really good and has no added sugars, just the sugar that occurs naturally in the banana, and also has spinach blended into it. It tastes like chocolate peanut butter ice cream kind of

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Default Sep 15, 2021 at 05:04 PM
  #648
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Having that chocolate peanut butter banana smoothie. It tastes really good and has no added sugars, just the sugar that occurs naturally in the banana, and also has spinach blended into it. It tastes like chocolate peanut butter ice cream kind of
That sounds delicious! I've been treating myself now and again to Tillamook's chocolate peanut butter ice cream. It could have more peanut butter for my taste but it's good and creamy! Enjoy!

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Default Sep 15, 2021 at 07:54 PM
  #649
I have a phone appointment with my primary care doctor tomorrow. Hopefully it goes well.

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Default Sep 15, 2021 at 08:25 PM
  #650
I don't know if I like this modafinil stuff...

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Default Sep 15, 2021 at 09:38 PM
  #651
Bf and I were considering a new TV, just a 4K but still an expense because we wanted at least a 55 inch for the downstairs even though we watch most of the tv in the bedroom. We ended up switching the tiny 32 inch bedroom tv for the downstairs tv which is 1080p and 40 inches....it makes a huge difference and we spent nothing!

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Default Sep 15, 2021 at 11:14 PM
  #652
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I don't know if I like this modafinil stuff...
I don't remember if I told you this but: Make sure you get enough sleep.. Because if you're sleep deprived, it can make you feel awake yet your cognition etc could not be working good.. It's like driving a car without coolant
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Default Sep 16, 2021 at 12:34 AM
  #653
I've been on the 10mg of olanzepine every evening for over a year now.. Only now I'm starting to have no symptoms of dissociation a few hours after I miss the dose. So I'll stay on antipsychotics for a few years - They don't seem to be doing much damage. The stimulant really helps with the side effects.

I feel good tonight. A night of euphoria again which is rare lately. I hope that this continues.

I had a talk with my mom about conspiracies and such - I can't shake the feeling that it's all about control etc but talking to her helped because she's really smart, wise and aware.

My dad will come to visit this month which makes me happy. He's like a shaman to me. Then I'll visit my family next month.

I should stop dwelling on really 'out there' thoughts and ideas and just relax. I should live in a way where I accept the opposite of what I'm moderately paranoid about - Which is hard but I can do it.

I've learned so much these past 5 years and have grown so much as a person.. I have a good amount of insight into multiple different things. I am thinking of learning about cryptography more until I know what I want to do - Cuz it's unrealistic to just focus on one thing all of the time.

As long as my symptoms are controlled like they are now and that I feel like myself, I'll be ok =] Gotta live in the moment without worrying too much about the future and dwelling on the past or having regret.
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Default Sep 16, 2021 at 01:04 AM
  #654
Ice pops and fruit with yogurt

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Default Sep 16, 2021 at 09:27 AM
  #655
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I don't remember if I told you this but: Make sure you get enough sleep.. Because if you're sleep deprived, it can make you feel awake yet your cognition etc could not be working good.. It's like driving a car without coolant

Thanks for the suggestion. I like the analogy. Driving a car without coolant.

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Default Sep 16, 2021 at 10:29 AM
  #656
My appointment is in an hour and a half. I'll see if he can prescribe the med for GERD and get back on the birth control patches.

Then tomorrow I'm going to try to go to the dentist,

Next week I'm going to get my flu shot.

I'm in the process of tapering off perphenazine (with my pdocs permission) and then after that, tapering off thorazine. I'm doing it the right way, slowly. Then when we talk again in October I might see about getting back on Topamax

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Default Sep 16, 2021 at 10:47 AM
  #657
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My appointment is in an hour and a half
Hope you get some relief.....

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Default Sep 16, 2021 at 10:53 AM
  #658
Thanks SP, I'll feel relieved once all these appointments are over and all the med changes are done. I'm trying to take care of myself

I didn't give the topamax a chance last time because I was having bad panic attacks and I thought it was because of that, but I was also drinking 7-8 cups of strong coffee a day at the time. So that may have been why. I'm going to give it another shot now that I'm only drinking 1 cup of caffeinated coffee or tea a day

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Default Sep 16, 2021 at 12:26 PM
  #659
Woke up this morning in a distressed mood as I had a distressing dream that I don't remember. Then I had suicidal thoughts (although I'm not suicidal). Luckily I had my T appointment this morning so we talked about it all. It was kind of a disjointed session because I'm disjointed today but that's okay. We made progress.

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Default Sep 16, 2021 at 12:41 PM
  #660
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Woke up this morning in a distressed mood as I had a distressing dream that I don't remember. Then I had suicidal thoughts (although I'm not suicidal). Luckily I had my T appointment this morning so we talked about it all. It was kind of a disjointed session because I'm disjointed today but that's okay. We made progress.

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