Roll Call 187

I think eating disorders aren't a good way to lose weight + There's so much pain and suffering. Right now I'm reading a book about fasting. Fasting properly is for wellness not illness. It's the most effective way to lose weight and be healthy (Apart from exercise) if you do it right.

What I'm saying is that you need to change your thinking - Cuz it's stuck in the opposite of neuroplasticity like depression. Therapy can help greatly if it's done right. I completely advise going into new age fasting stuff etc while having an eating disorder without therapy and recovery. It's a real mental illness - But like all, can be treated and few have a good recovery which is great.

Don't give up hope!.. Western culture is really dumb. It's not even a culture. Just hedonic seeking and perfection. Our ancestors were much better off + They were physically healthy and happy - Especially the addicts.. they were smart at getting dopamine good hunters etc... The schiz people were shamans.

The future can be good if people stop fighting about identity etc and the other side stops being ignorant. A lot of scientific innovations were made but it can be no use to us without our spiritual side etc.

You need to curve the ball into the hole.. Slowly, sometimes fast.. But reaching for perfection in a good way, not a way that harms yourself.. Everyone deals with it all in a dissociative camouflage all in different ways but the same thing - The max.. Infinite.. You can call it god if you want.

Thank you Desoxyn, I feel bad about blowing up roll call with all my ED problems but it's become an issue again the past several months and not many people post in the ED part of the forum. I'll have to talk to my therapist about it next time we speak. Actually, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week. I should talk to her, to see what I can do and what her advice is. She's aware of the issue, has been for many years, but I was what is it called, in a period of remission from anorexia binge/purge type almost a year until now. Now it's back in the cycle of restrict/binge/purge. And I seriously just need to stop. Last time I ended up in the hospital because my electrolytes were all screwed up causing my heart to beat abnormally, and I was freezing/shivering all the time from malnutrition. That scared me straight for awhile. I have to stop having this obsession with my weight and control

My doctor said he took a horror movie philosophy class in college, we were talking about different horror movies. That sounds like a really cool class

HUGS Blue_Bird on all your ED stuff. I know sometimes I post about SH here because the SH forum isn't too busy and y'all are my friends. It's nice to be among friends. I hope you can talk to your Pdoc and your T about the ED though. I don't want you to end up back in the hospital. HUGS kit

I'm getting anxious about my therapy appointment tomorrow with the IOP individual therapist.

I hope it goes well!

Don't feel bad! Feel good! (Easier said than done..)

You're therapist has done good for you judging on how much you've gotten better. Remember that you are loved, have infinite worth and that things will get better if you know these things and put your mind to it.

Your anxiety is really bad.. I like to play mind tricks on myself - for example like "I will control my anxiety - Then I will be in a calm enough state of mind to rationally phase out the proxy control about weight" (If I was in your situation - But idk if that's even valid cuz I'm not a therapist).

If your therapy isn't working, a new therapist would be needed. I like my therapist but I think that I freaked her out because I mostly tell everyone about my trauma right away - It's just a lot of thoughts that swirl around - New trauma every couple of months and then I get over it.. Mild trauma..

You could also try online therapy through apps, websites etc.. Here is good too - I can't talk about drugs to normal people, don't agree with abstinence and active addicts make it worse.. It's just a big F cluster of stuff..

Post here as much as you need <3

I feel ridiculously stupid for changing pdocs so many times and making appointments with new ones then cancelling and stuff. I don't know how to accept reality. And my T is just like: "learn to communicate better with your current pdoc." I get so conflicted about it. It's absurd. My pdoc says "let's not change anything for a while," while I have legitimate complaints about the medication I am taking - i.e., it causes lack of motivation, it causes tiredness, it causes a whole host of problems right now, and my pdoc, I feel, doesn't even listen to my concerns. I wish he was more empathetic these days. He seems to be just meds, meds, meds, these days. Which isn't bad necessarily, but I know meds aren't the whole solution. And I wish I could be on less medicine. Not go off completely, because I already know that would probably be disastrous, but to go down on certain meds. But he refuses. He says I have an obsession about switching providers and things like that. And an obsession about changing the medication. I don't disagree. But hey, I would like to actually make some change here. I don't want to stagnate.

On another note I may have landed a full time job. We'll have to see if I get it or not.

I have been up for 38 hours

I’m almost desperate enough to take my Thorazine even though I don’t want to be on it

I think I’m stuck on Thorazine for life at this point. I literally cannot sleep without it. Oh well. The abilify injection helps me but gives me such bad insomnia that I need the thorazine tablets in order to offset it.

I’m supposed to be getting a small bottle of wine this weekend. I don’t know if it’s safe or not to have a single drink on the meds I’m on. I’ve had a drink on them before but I wasn’t on abilify then

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Sorry about the sleep. Personally with Abilify I can’t handle more than half a glass, usually I cook with the rest.

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Thanks, maybe I'll rethink getting the wine then. I just looked it up and I think it's a bad idea with both the abilify and especially the thorazine since phenothiazines have a central nervous system depressant effect, it's considered a major interaction. Even if I was only on one of them it would probably still be a bad idea. I'll just continue never drinking like I typically do anyway, I don't have a problem with that, I'm glad I looked that up before I went and got vodka like I was considering getting, that would probably be really bad

I'm worried my psych meds are poisoning me, I feel tingling in my veins , and I can feel the chemicals in them. I just want some peace. This always happens when I go this long without sleep

I finally slept after being up for 42 hours. I feel a lot better

I’m getting this necklace that’s made in Ireland, it’s a Celtic cross. I was going to get a ring by the same company but I don’t want to have to get it resized if my weight ever changes and it doesn’t fit anymore. So I am getting this because for one I’m catholic and have wanted a cross necklace for a long time, also am Irish and love Celtic type designs, my favorite color is green and I also want it to help motivate me on my ED recovery. It’s expensive but I wanted something nice that will last me a long time.

Instead of wine on Sunday for a different type of treat I may get a burger and fries from McDonalds

I love the cross Blue_Bird. It's beautiful. I have a ring to help me with my SH recovery. Everyday that I put it on helps me remember why I am doing what I am doing for myself. I hope the cross is the same way for you.

Yeah! Sleep! Awesome!

Yes I remember when you got that, it inspired me to do something like that eventually I think having a physical reminder that's always with you is helpful

I can't wait to start my Christmas shopping, I have nice gifts picked out for my family and friends

I've started my Christmas shopping. Too much to do it all at one time.