My new values

Hi,

My psychotic episode forced me to re-assess my values. Now this is the list of values:

1) I value things getting better more than I value things getting worse. Why didn't I believe it before? I believed love is a lie and had no self-love. My parents, my teachers, my supervisors, seemed to be locked into a "toxic power struggle". I wanted to bring this whole show crashing to the ground. The only way I knew was to hurt myself until it became obvious it was the system (it didn't become obvious that it was the system). I believed "psychosis was all my fault" - I had made things worse all on my own.

2) I value living an authentic life more than I value living someone else's life. Why didn't I believe this before? Pleasing others seemed to be number one for my dad at work, but when he came home he would often complain about Them. I took my first position out of revenge - getting back at someone else rather than looking at what was authentically me. "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." Confucius. Suffice to say my old personality didn't survive the revenge.

3) I value telling the truth with the right intentions more than telling the truth with the wrong intentions. Why didn't I believe this before? My truth was not acceptable to others. It was labelled "loss of contact with reality." Nobody is going to admit the truth if it means they are going to jail or arrested. I was the only one who had the truth, but I didn't tell it with the right intentions. I should have told the truth to clear the air, not to "muddy the waters".

4) I value my contribution more than I value plagiarism. Why didn't I believe this before? My parents were indifferent to my achievements, and didn't understand my work. I had to go above and beyond in university (sometimes by plagiarism as there wasn't time to be good at everything). In my oral exam I thought "I wasn't good enough" and that I hadn't even made an impact. Voices were impacting on me though at this time.

5) I value acceptance of failure more than I value resentment of failure. Why didn't I believe this before? I guess I believed good things won't last because if I made friends "they will turn on me" - they did turn on me in school and university especially - so I preferred not to fail socially at all and stayed away from everyone. I guess this bred resentment of those around me.

6) I value peer review more than I value arrogant self review. Why didn't I believe this before? My earliest experience was unsupervised in my dad's shed, I failed to turn off a bandsaw when I was 5 and nearly cut my hand off - I guess I felt ridicule - and I felt ridicule can be deadly. I felt this "deadly ridicule" all around me in my psychosis - even with the voice "kill" promptly reminding me of this experience. My pattern was to use ridicule to gain power, I even made a fetish of it. I would often go out and seek ridicule in the general public. But it didn't work in my oral exam - my examiners were more powerful, so I internalized the power.

This is interesting for sure. I think psychosis has changed my values as well.

Some childish values:

1) Nobody wants to know me (over-generalisation)

because

2) I am not good enough (all-or-nothing)

and

3) The real me is not acceptable (labelling)

and

4) The sexual me is bad (labelling)

that's why

5) Love doesn't exist (catastrophising)

and

6) Good things won't last (fortune telling)

Answers to the childish values:

1) Self-expression is a pathway to interest, despite fear of ridicule and power.

2) Your own successes are your answers to your own failures.

3) and 4) Be grateful, your ancestors brought you into being.

5) Love is the chance things need to get better, hate is the chance things need to get worse.

6) The present is made of the past, the future is made of the present. Mindfulness is the gateway to the present moment.

(Just to add these may be very particular to me and not necessarily universal)

Number 2 on your list was my biggest realization after recovery. It's interesting that psychosis lead me to live a more authentic life and embrace who I am. It was suddenly okay to be different and live my life on my own terms, no one else's. I was finally able to acknowledge that it I was okay, even though I didn't have all the answers at that time. This is something I always thought I would figure that out through living, not an illness.

I know this sounds pathetic, but I am glad I had the experience even though it was brutal. My new found awareness lead to many life changing discoveries.

Thanks for your comments.

I wondered if there is such a thing as "weaponizing truth"? e.g. my loss of contract with reality may be because I was using my truth as a weapon or a potential weapon against my peers? So in that case it would not be wrong, but a very inconvenient truth.