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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
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#181
Well I wrote Individual IOP T an email explaining that it very much felt like a rejection even if she didn't mean it to. I told her how I was feeling and I managed to work out that there was some self criticism going on. She has a word for it but I don't remember what it is. Oh persecutor I think is her word. So I could tell I was being persucatory with myself. Sorry if that's not spelled right, it didn't come up in spell check. I told her I wasn't sure I would get through without self harm and that the threat of kicking me out of IOP wasn't working anymore as a negative to self harm since I won't be able to see her outside of IOP anyway. I didn't self harm though. I wished her luck on her test today, some sort of law and ethics test she has to take for her license. She's like still getting her 3000 hours so she is under a supervisor. I think maybe if I had come across her 5 years down the road she might not be so quick to get rid of me because she would have more experience. I think I scare her even though I certainly don't mean to. But today I looked online for therapists. I contacted one through Psychology today (left her an email) and then was contacted by a group that I guess that T belongs to so I filled out paperwork, told them what my symptoms/diagnosis are, and gave them my insurance information. They are supposed to match you with a therapist based on your needs. So we'll see if they get back to me. I'm supposed to see Dr. K next week but if I can get a new T lined up by then I'll cancel him since he is most unhelpful anyway. I also have the list of therapists from my insurance company so I can start contacting them if this other place doesn't work out. I'm still incredibly hurt by Individual IOP T even though Rationally I can probably see it's more about her and her lack of experience than it is about me. Doesn't stop me from feeling bad or feeling like it is all my fault or something. It doesn't stop me from wanting reassurance that I'm not this horrible disgusting person that she doesn't want to see. But I probably won't get that. The self loathing right now is palpable. I'm glad that I am taking steps to find a new T but I am loathing myself because T doesn't want me. It's like I can feel the rejection coming off of my skin.
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Blue_Bird, junkDNA, WastingAsparagus
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,740
(SuperPoster!)
10 14.3k hugs
given |
#182
You’re a wonderful person SlumberKitty I’m sorry you’re going through a really hard time right now though.
__________________ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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SlumberKitty
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Angelique67, SlumberKitty, unsure123
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,740
(SuperPoster!)
10 14.3k hugs
given |
#183
Have a headache. Just took an ibuprofen so hopefully that helps. Having some coffee right now, tired.
__________________ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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SlumberKitty
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Angelique67
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since May 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 26,409
(SuperPoster!)
10 22.8k hugs
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#184
Quote:
Thing is your T wants to help you but doesn’t want to get herself into trouble where she’s in over her head. We all have our limits and it sounds like she understands hers. She doesn’t want to harm you by working outside her own skill set. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk __________________ Hugs! |
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SlumberKitty
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Angelique67, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since May 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 26,409
(SuperPoster!)
10 22.8k hugs
given |
#185
Talked to T today about jobs she recommended talking to my spirit guides and they said not to apply for this job I was considering. I was kinda shocked by that outcome but then like fifteen minutes later I found out my coworker quit leaving 2 open positions we will be f’d big time on hours unless we get someone soon.
Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk __________________ Hugs! |
SlumberKitty
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Angelique67, junkDNA, SlumberKitty, WastingAsparagus
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Princess Tutu
Member Since Jun 2011
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 7,912
12 2,894 hugs
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#186
I think I may of triggered a hypo mania after not taking my night meds and taking my antidepressant this morning. I’ve been up for over 24 hours. Clean house majorly. Played mine craft and ****ed around with friends. Ate for the first time for like 16 hours and I feel stuff with the 300 calorie bagel and blueberry cream cheese.
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Blue_Bird, SlumberKitty, Sometimes psychotic, WastingAsparagus
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Angelique67, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,740
(SuperPoster!)
10 14.3k hugs
given |
#187
I'm frustrated with my weird food issues. I wasn't able to eat a turkey burger tonight, I took one bite, chewed it then spit it out and threw the rest out. I couldn't bring myself to swallow it, it was giving me too much anxiety, I wanted to eat it, and there was nothing wrong with it, I just couldn't. So I had an Ensure nutrition shake instead. I spent time cooking today and I couldn't even enjoy it I'm so frustrated it just seems like every day the list of foods I can't eat grows. I am eating, it's not that I'm restricting right now, I just am eating very specific foods or shakes and only the ones I feel comfortable with over and over again
I mean it's okay, because I'm eating enough now but my food choices are pretty limited, and I can't eat a lot of the stuff that I really enjoy __________________ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 22,115
(SuperPoster!)
9 |
#188
Quote:
. Sent from my Nokia C2 Tennen using Tapatalk |
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SlumberKitty
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SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 22,115
(SuperPoster!)
9 |
#189
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Blue_Bird, unsure123
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 12,986
(SuperPoster!)
7 4,912 hugs
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#190
**** I'm so scared tonight.. the open window and humid coldness and darkness
I can't stand being secretive about chems other than meds even if they're harmless. I'm becoming more quiet and timid etc like a skittish cat.. lol.. but also that and I'm FACED.., with my own mortality I think its cuz of my grandmothers house.. its so neat, clean etc and big Mansions scare me man |
SlumberKitty, WastingAsparagus
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,740
(SuperPoster!)
10 14.3k hugs
given |
#191
I just vacuumed for the first time in 3 or 4 months and got on the treadmill for 30 minutes
__________________ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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SlumberKitty
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Angelique67, SlumberKitty, Sometimes psychotic, WastingAsparagus
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,740
(SuperPoster!)
10 14.3k hugs
given |
#192
Practicing some Christmas songs on my new tenor ukulele. Will take a bit to get used to since it’s a lot bigger than my soprano ukulele. I’m hoping to get good at a few songs than post videos on Facebook around the holidays maybe wearing a Christmas shirt or Santa hat to be festive.
I’m so glad I got back into playing an instrument. I missed playing the violin but wanted to try something different and it really makes me happy. Thanks SP since you got me into it in the first place This is something I want to continue working on for the rest of my life __________________ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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SlumberKitty
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Angelique67, SlumberKitty, Sometimes psychotic, WastingAsparagus
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,740
(SuperPoster!)
10 14.3k hugs
given |
#193
I decided I am actually gonna go to the theater with my friend tomorrow to watch Halloween Kills since he wants to. I want to too I just wasn’t sure if he felt like it or not but he does so he’s gonna find out the ticket prices and the times it’s showing and we’ll decide on a time to see it. Probably something in the evening. Looking forward to it. I haven’t been to the theater since like 2018.
__________________ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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SlumberKitty
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Angelique67, SlumberKitty, Sometimes psychotic
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since May 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 26,409
(SuperPoster!)
10 22.8k hugs
given |
#194
Quote:
__________________ Hugs! |
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SlumberKitty
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Blue_Bird, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#195
It's so stressful looking for a new therapist. I contacted one on my insurance list and she got back to me at 8pm last night. I was sleeping so I got the message this morning. She asked me for the front and back of my insurance card and she would find out if she takes my insurance, currently. She said she didn't know if she was taking new clients which struck me as funny because how could you not know? She does do telehealth though so that's something. Then I contacted another group that is supposed to take my insurance and I am hoping to hear back from them if they have any availability and people who take my insurance. I'm really trying.
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Blue_Bird
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Angelique67, WastingAsparagus
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#196
I scratched my stomach though. I don't want to tell Individual IOP T because she will probably think it is SH. I am not counting it as SH but she said if I SH she'll kick me out of the program so it is too stressful to tell her. I've been scratching my stomach every night just trying to get through.
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
Blue_Bird, WastingAsparagus
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jul 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 27,329
(SuperPoster!)
5 117.7k hugs
given |
#197
Quote:
__________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA |
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Angelique67
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since May 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 26,409
(SuperPoster!)
10 22.8k hugs
given |
#198
Quote:
Hugs SK...it can be so hard to find a good T right now...they are overbooked etc. I hope you have good luck in the process. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk __________________ Hugs! |
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SlumberKitty
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SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2013
Location: Hogwarts
Posts: 36,740
(SuperPoster!)
10 14.3k hugs
given |
#199
I’m actually sleeping since my mood stabilizer increase. Not staying up 36-40 plus hours at time and on nights I sleep it’s not just sleeping 3-4 hours. I’m sleeping 8 plus hours a night now. Less agitation, and haven’t been spending excessive amounts of money so far. Hopefully it continues.
__________________ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi
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SlumberKitty
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Angelique67, cogladaid, SlumberKitty
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Metaphysic
Member Since Aug 2016
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 12,986
(SuperPoster!)
7 4,912 hugs
given |
#200
I tried taking 30mg Vyvanse this morning instead of 60mg but I couldn't get out of bed. I was extremely tired. It"s a painful tiredness.
I had a heart spasm every time I tried to fall asleep last night. I took a full zopiclone and .25 clonazepam and it stopped, I went to sleep like usual. I'm going to have to prepare for my early death soon. My grandmother said that its high cortisol or something and I need to relax here - So that's what I'll try to do. |
SlumberKitty
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