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Old 10-13-2021, 03:14 PM   #181
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Default Re: Roll Call 188

Well I wrote Individual IOP T an email explaining that it very much felt like a rejection even if she didn't mean it to. I told her how I was feeling and I managed to work out that there was some self criticism going on. She has a word for it but I don't remember what it is. Oh persecutor I think is her word. So I could tell I was being persucatory with myself. Sorry if that's not spelled right, it didn't come up in spell check. I told her I wasn't sure I would get through without self harm and that the threat of kicking me out of IOP wasn't working anymore as a negative to self harm since I won't be able to see her outside of IOP anyway. I didn't self harm though. I wished her luck on her test today, some sort of law and ethics test she has to take for her license. She's like still getting her 3000 hours so she is under a supervisor. I think maybe if I had come across her 5 years down the road she might not be so quick to get rid of me because she would have more experience. I think I scare her even though I certainly don't mean to. But today I looked online for therapists. I contacted one through Psychology today (left her an email) and then was contacted by a group that I guess that T belongs to so I filled out paperwork, told them what my symptoms/diagnosis are, and gave them my insurance information. They are supposed to match you with a therapist based on your needs. So we'll see if they get back to me. I'm supposed to see Dr. K next week but if I can get a new T lined up by then I'll cancel him since he is most unhelpful anyway. I also have the list of therapists from my insurance company so I can start contacting them if this other place doesn't work out. I'm still incredibly hurt by Individual IOP T even though Rationally I can probably see it's more about her and her lack of experience than it is about me. Doesn't stop me from feeling bad or feeling like it is all my fault or something. It doesn't stop me from wanting reassurance that I'm not this horrible disgusting person that she doesn't want to see. But I probably won't get that. The self loathing right now is palpable. I'm glad that I am taking steps to find a new T but I am loathing myself because T doesn't want me. It's like I can feel the rejection coming off of my skin.
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Old 10-13-2021, 03:53 PM   #182
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Default Re: Roll Call 188

Youíre a wonderful person SlumberKitty Iím sorry youíre going through a really hard time right now though.
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Old 10-13-2021, 03:55 PM   #183
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Have a headache. Just took an ibuprofen so hopefully that helps. Having some coffee right now, tired.
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Old 10-13-2021, 03:57 PM   #184
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SlumberKitty View Post
Well I wrote Individual IOP T an email explaining that it very much felt like a rejection even if she didn't mean it to. I told her how I was feeling and I managed to work out that there was some self criticism going on. She has a word for it but I don't remember what it is. Oh persecutor I think is her word. So I could tell I was being persucatory with myself. Sorry if that's not spelled right, it didn't come up in spell check. I told her I wasn't sure I would get through without self harm and that the threat of kicking me out of IOP wasn't working anymore as a negative to self harm since I won't be able to see her outside of IOP anyway. I didn't self harm though. I wished her luck on her test today, some sort of law and ethics test she has to take for her license. She's like still getting her 3000 hours so she is under a supervisor. I think maybe if I had come across her 5 years down the road she might not be so quick to get rid of me because she would have more experience. I think I scare her even though I certainly don't mean to. But today I looked online for therapists. I contacted one through Psychology today (left her an email) and then was contacted by a group that I guess that T belongs to so I filled out paperwork, told them what my symptoms/diagnosis are, and gave them my insurance information. They are supposed to match you with a therapist based on your needs. So we'll see if they get back to me. I'm supposed to see Dr. K next week but if I can get a new T lined up by then I'll cancel him since he is most unhelpful anyway. I also have the list of therapists from my insurance company so I can start contacting them if this other place doesn't work out. I'm still incredibly hurt by Individual IOP T even though Rationally I can probably see it's more about her and her lack of experience than it is about me. Doesn't stop me from feeling bad or feeling like it is all my fault or something. It doesn't stop me from wanting reassurance that I'm not this horrible disgusting person that she doesn't want to see. But I probably won't get that. The self loathing right now is palpable. I'm glad that I am taking steps to find a new T but I am loathing myself because T doesn't want me. It's like I can feel the rejection coming off of my skin.

Thing is your T wants to help you but doesnít want to get herself into trouble where sheís in over her head. We all have our limits and it sounds like she understands hers. She doesnít want to harm you by working outside her own skill set.

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Old 10-13-2021, 04:00 PM   #185
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Default Re: Roll Call 188

Talked to T today about jobs she recommended talking to my spirit guides and they said not to apply for this job I was considering. I was kinda shocked by that outcome but then like fifteen minutes later I found out my coworker quit leaving 2 open positions we will be fíd big time on hours unless we get someone soon.

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Old 10-13-2021, 04:12 PM   #186
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I think I may of triggered a hypo mania after not taking my night meds and taking my antidepressant this morning. Iíve been up for over 24 hours. Clean house majorly. Played mine craft and ****ed around with friends. Ate for the first time for like 16 hours and I feel stuff with the 300 calorie bagel and blueberry cream cheese.
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Old 10-13-2021, 05:31 PM   #187
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Default Re: Roll Call 188

I'm frustrated with my weird food issues. I wasn't able to eat a turkey burger tonight, I took one bite, chewed it then spit it out and threw the rest out. I couldn't bring myself to swallow it, it was giving me too much anxiety, I wanted to eat it, and there was nothing wrong with it, I just couldn't. So I had an Ensure nutrition shake instead. I spent time cooking today and I couldn't even enjoy it I'm so frustrated it just seems like every day the list of foods I can't eat grows. I am eating, it's not that I'm restricting right now, I just am eating very specific foods or shakes and only the ones I feel comfortable with over and over again

I mean it's okay, because I'm eating enough now but my food choices are pretty limited, and I can't eat a lot of the stuff that I really enjoy
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Old 10-13-2021, 05:33 PM   #188
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Default Re: Roll Call 188

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlumberKitty View Post
Well I wrote Individual IOP T an email explaining that it very much felt like a rejection even if she didn't mean it to. I told her how I was feeling and I managed to work out that there was some self criticism going on. She has a word for it but I don't remember what it is. Oh persecutor I think is her word. So I could tell I was being persucatory with myself. Sorry if that's not spelled right, it didn't come up in spell check. I told her I wasn't sure I would get through without self harm and that the threat of kicking me out of IOP wasn't working anymore as a negative to self harm since I won't be able to see her outside of IOP anyway. I didn't self harm though. I wished her luck on her test today, some sort of law and ethics test she has to take for her license. She's like still getting her 3000 hours so she is under a supervisor. I think maybe if I had come across her 5 years down the road she might not be so quick to get rid of me because she would have more experience. I think I scare her even though I certainly don't mean to. But today I looked online for therapists. I contacted one through Psychology today (left her an email) and then was contacted by a group that I guess that T belongs to so I filled out paperwork, told them what my symptoms/diagnosis are, and gave them my insurance information. They are supposed to match you with a therapist based on your needs. So we'll see if they get back to me. I'm supposed to see Dr. K next week but if I can get a new T lined up by then I'll cancel him since he is most unhelpful anyway. I also have the list of therapists from my insurance company so I can start contacting them if this other place doesn't work out. I'm still incredibly hurt by Individual IOP T even though Rationally I can probably see it's more about her and her lack of experience than it is about me. Doesn't stop me from feeling bad or feeling like it is all my fault or something. It doesn't stop me from wanting reassurance that I'm not this horrible disgusting person that she doesn't want to see. But I probably won't get that. The self loathing right now is palpable. I'm glad that I am taking steps to find a new T but I am loathing myself because T doesn't want me. It's like I can feel the rejection coming off of my skin.
You are a great person, Kit. It feels like rejection and hurts a lot, but it truly is about her and her fears of failing. I'm really glad you aren't sh'ing. I hope she will be sensitive to your feelings, and be able to show you that this is about her, only. Iop is very intense, and it makes for very powerful emotions regarding the T's and other people there. Sending you gentle and loving (((((((((HUGS))))))))) Roll Call 188
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Old 10-13-2021, 05:40 PM   #189
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Cooked some turkey burgers and mashed potatoes for tonight and tomorrow
The mashed potatoes look like a planet in space! Haha, William Shatner went to outer space this morning! Roll Call 188

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Old 10-13-2021, 10:16 PM   #190
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Default Re: Roll Call 188

**** I'm so scared tonight.. the open window and humid coldness and darkness

I can't stand being secretive about chems other than meds even if they're harmless. I'm becoming more quiet and timid etc like a skittish cat.. lol.. but also that and I'm FACED.., with my own mortality

I think its cuz of my grandmothers house.. its so neat, clean etc and big

Mansions scare me man
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Old 10-14-2021, 10:19 AM   #191
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Default Re: Roll Call 188

I just vacuumed for the first time in 3 or 4 months and got on the treadmill for 30 minutes
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Old 10-14-2021, 11:20 AM   #192
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Practicing some Christmas songs on my new tenor ukulele. Will take a bit to get used to since itís a lot bigger than my soprano ukulele. Iím hoping to get good at a few songs than post videos on Facebook around the holidays maybe wearing a Christmas shirt or Santa hat to be festive.

Iím so glad I got back into playing an instrument. I missed playing the violin but wanted to try something different and it really makes me happy. Thanks SP since you got me into it in the first place

This is something I want to continue working on for the rest of my life
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Old 10-14-2021, 11:38 AM   #193
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I decided I am actually gonna go to the theater with my friend tomorrow to watch Halloween Kills since he wants to. I want to too I just wasnít sure if he felt like it or not but he does so heís gonna find out the ticket prices and the times itís showing and weíll decide on a time to see it. Probably something in the evening. Looking forward to it. I havenít been to the theater since like 2018.
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Old 10-14-2021, 11:51 AM   #194
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Practicing some Christmas songs on my new tenor ukulele. Will take a bit to get used to since itís a lot bigger than my soprano ukulele. Iím hoping to get good at a few songs than post videos on Facebook around the holidays maybe wearing a Christmas shirt or Santa hat to be festive.

Iím so glad I got back into playing an instrument. I missed playing the violin but wanted to try something different and it really makes me happy. Thanks SP since you got me into it in the first place

This is something I want to continue working on for the rest of my life
Thatís awesome bluebird, glad I sent it your way.
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Old 10-14-2021, 01:08 PM   #195
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It's so stressful looking for a new therapist. I contacted one on my insurance list and she got back to me at 8pm last night. I was sleeping so I got the message this morning. She asked me for the front and back of my insurance card and she would find out if she takes my insurance, currently. She said she didn't know if she was taking new clients which struck me as funny because how could you not know? She does do telehealth though so that's something. Then I contacted another group that is supposed to take my insurance and I am hoping to hear back from them if they have any availability and people who take my insurance. I'm really trying.
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Old 10-14-2021, 01:10 PM   #196
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I scratched my stomach though. I don't want to tell Individual IOP T because she will probably think it is SH. I am not counting it as SH but she said if I SH she'll kick me out of the program so it is too stressful to tell her. I've been scratching my stomach every night just trying to get through.
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Old 10-14-2021, 01:10 PM   #197
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You are a great person, Kit. It feels like rejection and hurts a lot, but it truly is about her and her fears of failing. I'm really glad you aren't sh'ing. I hope she will be sensitive to your feelings, and be able to show you that this is about her, only. Iop is very intense, and it makes for very powerful emotions regarding the T's and other people there. Sending you gentle and loving (((((((((HUGS))))))))) Roll Call 188
.

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Old 10-14-2021, 01:25 PM   #198
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I scratched my stomach though. I don't want to tell Individual IOP T because she will probably think it is SH. I am not counting it as SH but she said if I SH she'll kick me out of the program so it is too stressful to tell her. I've been scratching my stomach every night just trying to get through.

Hugs SK...it can be so hard to find a good T right now...they are overbooked etc. I hope you have good luck in the process.

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Old 10-14-2021, 02:34 PM   #199
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Iím actually sleeping since my mood stabilizer increase. Not staying up 36-40 plus hours at time and on nights I sleep itís not just sleeping 3-4 hours. Iím sleeping 8 plus hours a night now. Less agitation, and havenít been spending excessive amounts of money so far. Hopefully it continues.
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Old 10-14-2021, 02:59 PM   #200
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I tried taking 30mg Vyvanse this morning instead of 60mg but I couldn't get out of bed. I was extremely tired. It"s a painful tiredness.

I had a heart spasm every time I tried to fall asleep last night. I took a full zopiclone and .25 clonazepam and it stopped, I went to sleep like usual.

I'm going to have to prepare for my early death soon.

My grandmother said that its high cortisol or something and I need to relax here - So that's what I'll try to do.
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