Roll Call 188

Thanks Desoxyn! I need to distract myself somehow. Maybe I'll play a game or watch something on Netflix

and maybe I'll put on my scentsy wax warmer and melt some lavender scented wax. Lavender scent helps me relax, I find aromatherapy very helpful.

Yes they do suck, I wish I could go back to when I was 18 years old which was before I ever had my first one. It's frustrating because it makes you feel like you're dying, and it feels so real that you don't know what to do, whether it's actually something bad or as usual a panic attack. There's always that thought in the back of your head each panic attack that this time you're really dying.

I'm so tired, my med increase is making me sleep every night, I kind of am frustrated about it. Even though I know it's good for me I like staying up and not sleeping because I feel like I have more time in the day to get things done, it feels like a rush, euphoric

The best thing about sleep though is no panic attacks

The chamomile tea is helping.

A while ago, I noticed how beneficial it is for me and on reddit, people report being "high from chamomile tea" - Then I forgot about it.

But I'll bring the tea bags on my trip with me.

Aroma therapy is a real thing imo! Since the brain perceives information through sensory input, the scents are just like certain drugs or molecules idk.. Maybe stimulating the olfactory area in the brain + Scents are the biggest triggers of buried unrevealed memories.

Getting another heart ECG to make sure that my heart was OK really helped with my panic attacks.. I used to be so afraid of my heart stopping but now I'm sure that my heart is healthy - Panic attacks just became like exercise to me.. The 5 hour panic attack in the hospital of summer 2020 felt like I ran a marathon when it was over....

That's a good idea. I have a full physical coming up on November 4th with my doctor. Maybe even just knowing I'm healthy will help me feel more at ease about it. I would have to request an ECG if I wanted that but I think just being checked out during a physical would be enough for me to feel better. He did listen to my breathing and my heart last time I went a few weeks ago to see him about getting on some medications. Everything seemed fine and my blood pressure was good too. My heart rate was high but that is a combination of the severe anxiety I get during doctor appointments and some of my medications make my heart rate run a little high.

I think the last time I had an ECG was in February when I went to the ER because I felt like there where chemicals burning me through my veins, and everything was fine physically. So that wasn't too long ago.

I'm trying to control my diet better so I don't develop heart disease which runs in my family and also type 2 diabetes (which my aunt has), and of course the meds I'm on increase the risk of developing diabetes. So I'm trying to be really careful.

btw thanks Desoxyn, talking to you helped distract me enough that my panic attack faded away

The northern lights + stars are out ^-

I was walking through an ally way looking up at them + good music puts a big smile to my face. I love it. A moment of LSD!

Proven Ways to Improve Your Memory (complete guide) | Be Brain Fit

My memory is bad but I'm trying to improve it

Yes! They fixed the treadmill on my floor, so I can start using it again!

That's great! I love using the treadmill. Then I can listen to audiobooks on it, etc.

My tenor ukulele was delivered today

Wow, I like the grain on the wood!

I like to do that too, and I listen to podcasts sometimes as well

I like it too It was a good deal too, $46 plus a couple dollars for tax/shipping so $50 total. And it came with a case, tuner, extra set of strings, and a strap. I know it's not the highest quality instrument but it has some good reviews on Amazon and it's good for someone fairly new to playing. I'll practice on this and my soprano for a few years then maybe after that upgrade. It would be cool to get an acoustic/electric someday

I asked my sister to see if she can find anyone who would like some art books. She knows a lot of people, and a lot of them have kids. So maybe there's somebody out there that can use them. I have a bunch of them I used to use, like instructional art books, how to draw guides , etc. I don't really draw much anymore, I kind of lost my passion for drawing several years ago, and I'm trying to clear out some space in my apartment. If I ever get back into drawing I can just use library books or online guides.

Nervous for my T appointment today. With Individual IOP T.

First, I wish she would just TELL ME if she is going to continue to see me after IOP or not. I feel like I am hanging by a thread. I really like her and I think I could learn a lot from her and heal with her but I don't like feeling strung along. If I lose her I will be really sad, crushed really, and I will be upset and will probably SH over it. She might know that which is probably why she is not telling me but it is really frustrating.

Second, I didn't really understand what she was talking about on Friday. About taking care of my own emotional needs. Heck, do I even know what my own emotional needs are? I feel truly lost.

Third, I don't know, we might discuss the shame I felt in showing her the SH scars. I thought we would discuss it on Friday and I probably would have brought it up but the conversation went a totally other way than I had anticipated. In her email she said she loved that I brought it up in email but she would like me to bring it up in session. So IDK if we are going to discuss it today or not. The shame isn't as unbearable as it was on Friday. So now it seems moot. It might still be profitable to be brought up though.

HUGS to anyone who wants, Kit

Hope it goes ok

Individual IOP T said she isn't going to continue to see me after IOP because of the hallucinations, the self harm, the past Sui attempts, I'm high risk and she says I am outside her scope of competence. But she's competent enough to see me while I am in program. Such bull.