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Confused Nov 15, 2021 at 12:36 PM
  #1
Hey everyone. Two years ago I was diagnosed with paranoid delusional psychosis. That was after a number of years of this "situation" getting worse and worse. The "psychosis" is gone now. I have suffered from anxiety for many years, and that will never go away. I am on clonazepam for that.

I truly believe these people exist. I truly believe that I was targeted. I truly believe that they did things to me of which some I have no explanation as to how it was done....I'm not scientific enough to understand the mechanisms involved. But I was followed and terrified and eventually sadistically tortured.

Well, this was diagnosed as psychosis and I was put on anti-psychotics. They actually didn't help. But these people left me about 1.5 years ago. I'm not sure why. I think that they moved from the area, and that it is too far a distance to travel to keep attacking me. This one girl was absolutely obsessed with me, and she and her friends would do the worse things to me. Others would try to step in to stop them, but that was only a temporary measure. She wouldn't leave me be.

I believe that this girl and her members have either moved too far for the time being, she is in jail, or she OD'ed (she was a hard-core drug user, along with her friends).

No one believes me and say that I was hallucinating everything....visual, sensations, voices, sounds. No.....they actually were happening to me. I have MEMORIES. I remember it all. Years of being their target.

If they return, I don't know what I will do. I can't go to the hospital because they will say I'm experiencing psychosis again. I don't feel safe because I know that there is always the possibility that they will return.

Are you psychotic if you believe in your "supposed" psychosis??

I was traumatized by actual people in different ways for many years. I was terrified. Full-scale anxiety and fear can make a person not feel safe....but I would NOT say that I was delusional and paranoid. These people and events actually happened.

Am I psychotic for believing that?????

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Default Nov 15, 2021 at 01:29 PM
  #2
Believing your psychosis is true is an indication of psychosis yes.

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Post Nov 15, 2021 at 01:53 PM
  #3
But I've been given a clean bill of health, other than my anxiety disorder, by my psychiatrist. He is closing my file, and I will no longer have him as a psychiatrist. I can get my anti-anxiety meds from my family doctor.

My psychiatrist knows that the "symptoms" are gone now. He hasn't ever asked if I believed in these people. But he DOES know that I believed that they were torturing me in a way that I couldn't explain scientifically.

I don't know what to think. I have MEMORIES. They bother me some nights when I lay in bed and remember all that I've been put through. I can't handle that again if these people return.

So you are saying that you believe that I still am in the throes of psychosis because I believe in what I went through? I can't go on anti-psychotics again. I found that they caused a lot more harm then good.

I don't know what to think.

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Default Nov 15, 2021 at 02:41 PM
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But I've been given a clean bill of health, other than my anxiety disorder, by my psychiatrist. He is closing my file, and I will no longer have him as a psychiatrist. I can get my anti-anxiety meds from my family doctor.

My psychiatrist knows that the "symptoms" are gone now. He hasn't ever asked if I believed in these people. But he DOES know that I believed that they were torturing me in a way that I couldn't explain scientifically.

I don't know what to think. I have MEMORIES. They bother me some nights when I lay in bed and remember all that I've been put through. I can't handle that again if these people return.

So you are saying that you believe that I still am in the throes of psychosis because I believe in what I went through? I can't go on anti-psychotics again. I found that they caused a lot more harm then good.

I don't know what to think.

I can’t advise your particular situation but we all have memories and they are more intense than regular memories. I’m glad you’re not having issues anymore. But if you believe something that never happened it would still be delusional. If you and others agree that it actually happened then it’s not delusional. The usual thing for the delusional aspect is usually some sort of persecution that can’t happen in real life like just through your mind like you’re communicating without them talking or even being physically present.

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Default Nov 15, 2021 at 05:06 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by SandyWeb View Post
Hey everyone. Two years ago I was diagnosed with paranoid delusional psychosis. That was after a number of years of this "situation" getting worse and worse. The "psychosis" is gone now. I have suffered from anxiety for many years, and that will never go away. I am on clonazepam for that.


I truly believe these people exist. I truly believe that I was targeted. I truly believe that they did things to me of which some I have no explanation as to how it was done....I'm not scientific enough to understand the mechanisms involved. But I was followed and terrified and eventually sadistically tortured.


Well, this was diagnosed as psychosis and I was put on anti-psychotics. They actually didn't help. But these people left me about 1.5 years ago. I'm not sure why. I think that they moved from the area, and that it is too far a distance to travel to keep attacking me. This one girl was absolutely obsessed with me, and she and her friends would do the worse things to me. Others would try to step in to stop them, but that was only a temporary measure. She wouldn't leave me be.


I believe that this girl and her members have either moved too far for the time being, she is in jail, or she OD'ed (she was a hard-core drug user, along with her friends).


No one believes me and say that I was hallucinating everything....visual, sensations, voices, sounds. No.....they actually were happening to me. I have MEMORIES. I remember it all. Years of being their target.


If they return, I don't know what I will do. I can't go to the hospital because they will say I'm experiencing psychosis again. I don't feel safe because I know that there is always the possibility that they will return.


Are you psychotic if you believe in your "supposed" psychosis??


I was traumatized by actual people in different ways for many years. I was terrified. Full-scale anxiety and fear can make a person not feel safe....but I would NOT say that I was delusional and paranoid. These people and events actually happened.


Am I psychotic for believing that?????
I could have written your post! I have a very similar case except my torturer was a man. I heard him amplified, he was always monitoring me. He kept me awake for hours every day/night by making a certain noise. For hours, just as I'd get relaxed enough to sleep but then he'd keep waking me over and over again. It was torture.

I think what fed the delusion and made it start was Klonopin actually. I was on massive quantities and it wasn't until I was forced to quit Klonopin that I could begin to get some insight into the delusion. It occurred simultaneously, I joined psych central and talked about it, and some people thought I was psychotic, and then I told myself it wasn't real, and just like that he was gone! All those years, about 15 years of it. What a nightmare, no one could understand how horrible it was and then just like that he was gone. It was a miracle.

Maybe something will happen that will let you see the girl didn't really have power over you. Good luck!

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Trig Nov 15, 2021 at 08:43 PM
  #6
Hi Angelique67. Thanks for your response. I'm sorry you went through 15 years of torture, but it's such a relief when the evil just disappears overnight. I am so glad that you never committed suicide. I attempted a number of times because I just couldn't deal with what was being done to me. I was all alone, so no one was aware of my situation.

I have to admit that I am scared about losing my mental health team. Since my "supposed" psychosis is gone, I only need my family doctor to deal with my anxiety medication. I will no longer have a psychiatrist or a mental health nurse to turn to. To be truthful, though, I never admitted that I still believe all my experiences to be true. I went along with the psychosis diagnosis. If I admit that I'm still scared of these people coming back, I'm afraid I'll get put back on anti-psychotics. I had a lot of problems with those meds, and could only tolerate low doses. As for the anxiety, I require a high dose of anywhere from 8-12mg of clonazepam per day. I've been on it for so many years that it really doesn't do a whole lot to help anymore.

I guess I will write an email to my mental health nurse tomorrow and let her know that I still have suspicions of the people coming back. I don't feel safe. When my team leaves me, I'll only have the crisis phone line to call if I need to talk....but that line is only for people in crisis. I need my mental health team to reach out to when I don't feel stable....such as now. I don't know why the thoughts are more frequent lately. I don't like remembering the past few years and all that I went through.

Take good care of yourself. I'm glad that you are free of that man!

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Default Nov 15, 2021 at 10:39 PM
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Hi Angelique67. Thanks for your response. I'm sorry you went through 15 years of torture, but it's such a relief when the evil just disappears overnight. I am so glad that you never committed suicide. I attempted a number of times because I just couldn't deal with what was being done to me. I was all alone, so no one was aware of my situation.


I have to admit that I am scared about losing my mental health team. Since my "supposed" psychosis is gone, I only need my family doctor to deal with my anxiety medication. I will no longer have a psychiatrist or a mental health nurse to turn to. To be truthful, though, I never admitted that I still believe all my experiences to be true. I went along with the psychosis diagnosis. If I admit that I'm still scared of these people coming back, I'm afraid I'll get put back on anti-psychotics. I had a lot of problems with those meds, and could only tolerate low doses. As for the anxiety, I require a high dose of anywhere from 8-12mg of clonazepam per day. I've been on it for so many years that it really doesn't do a whole lot to help anymore.


I guess I will write an email to my mental health nurse tomorrow and let her know that I still have suspicions of the people coming back. I don't feel safe. When my team leaves me, I'll only have the crisis phone line to call if I need to talk....but that line is only for people in crisis. I need my mental health team to reach out to when I don't feel stable....such as now. I don't know why the thoughts are more frequent lately. I don't like remembering the past few years and all that I went through.


Take good care of yourself. I'm glad that you are free of that man!
Hi SandyWeb,

Thank you for saying you're glad I wasn't suicided, I wanted to all the time but I was afraid I couldn't succeed. I'm so sorry you felt the same and had to deal with all the attempts.

The meds are full of issues but without them I don't know if I would have gained any insight. It was 3 months into taking Abilify that the miracle occurred. When I posted on PC, and a few days later I was liberated. From a hell I can't adequately describe.

I want to further respond, but my memory has to read your reply again. I'll be right back. What If You Don't Believe You Had Psychosis?

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Default Nov 15, 2021 at 10:52 PM
  #8
Hi again, SandyWeb,

I was taking Klonopin at the same amounts as you. I also was unwilling to take anti psychotic meds. But luckily I finally tried it again. I didn't care about becoming a zombie, I was already a zombie and I just wanted not to care about it anymore.

I had no treatment team either, except for having started Abilify that summer. I think it would be a wonderful idea to see if you can keep them in your life. Posting on PC ( my support forums) is a good first step to keeping and finding a support team.

I am so glad that you are done with your torturers. I hope you'll stick around, maybe join us on roll call.

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Trig Nov 16, 2021 at 07:15 AM
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Hi again, SandyWeb,

I was taking Klonopin at the same amounts as you. I also was unwilling to take anti psychotic meds. But luckily I finally tried it again. I didn't care about becoming a zombie, I was already a zombie and I just wanted not to care about it anymore.

I had no treatment team either, except for having started Abilify that summer. I think it would be a wonderful idea to see if you can keep them in your life. Posting on PC ( my support forums) is a good first step to keeping and finding a support team.

I am so glad that you are done with your torturers. I hope you'll stick around, maybe join us on roll call.

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Hi again. Thank you so much for chatting with me. I'm happy you are doing so much better. Isn't it wonderful to have your life back without outside forces torturing and frightening you, regardless of how purposeless your life may seem? But I'm still a little unnerved that my people will return.

I was on Abilify and Serequel. At first I was taking the pill form of Abilify, and then I was getting the monthly injection. THEN I went back to the pill form. I just found it to be ore than my body could tolerate. I forget now what it was doing to me, but I had to get the dose lowered. And those two anti-psychotics along with the Klonopin were not making me a zombie. In fact, they seemed to make me have other types of anxiety. I guess the anti-psychotics were making me more jumpy and fearful. Does that even make sense??

What is roll call? I might be interested in joining you there.

Again, so glad that you never attempted suicide. I went from high anxiety and fear to "psychotic" over a 10 year period. Like you, one day they were just GONE. Well, the girl came back once more by herself to grab something she had left behind. And I have probably been free of them for the past 1.5 years now. I just went off the anti-psychotics in June of this year. I felt they were harming my body, and the people hadn't been around for awhile anyways. So now my psychiatrist is closing my file! I feel like I still need a mental health team, but too many people need them and I'm apparently on the road to recovery.

I hope you enjoy your day. I don't know if you mentioned, but are you on any meds now at all? And you feel stable in that the man won't come back? I know you said that you believe now that he never was real.

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Default Nov 18, 2021 at 07:13 PM
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@SandyWeb I have schizo affective disorder and have had my fair share of delusions and hallucinations. I still have a pdoc. If you don't feel ready to be without a treatment team then TELL them that! Don't just fade away. They may ask you what your treatment goals are and be prepared to say just what you've told us here. I NEED meds I don't feel safe from my delusions.

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Default Nov 18, 2021 at 07:27 PM
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Hi again. Thank you so much for chatting with me. I'm happy you are doing so much better. Isn't it wonderful to have your life back without outside forces torturing and frightening you, regardless of how purposeless your life may seem? But I'm still a little unnerved that my people will return.


I was on Abilify and Serequel. At first I was taking the pill form of Abilify, and then I was getting the monthly injection. THEN I went back to the pill form. I just found it to be ore than my body could tolerate. I forget now what it was doing to me, but I had to get the dose lowered. And those two anti-psychotics along with the Klonopin were not making me a zombie. In fact, they seemed to make me have other types of anxiety. I guess the anti-psychotics were making me more jumpy and fearful. Does that even make sense??


What is roll call? I might be interested in joining you there.


Again, so glad that you never attempted suicide. I went from high anxiety and fear to "psychotic" over a 10 year period. Like you, one day they were just GONE. Well, the girl came back once more by herself to grab something she had left behind. And I have probably been free of them for the past 1.5 years now. I just went off the anti-psychotics in June of this year. I felt they were harming my body, and the people hadn't been around for awhile anyways. So now my psychiatrist is closing my file! I feel like I still need a mental health team, but too many people need them and I'm apparently on the road to recovery.


I hope you enjoy your day. I don't know if you mentioned, but are you on any meds now at all? And you feel stable in that the man won't come back? I know you said that you believe now that he never was real.
Yes, he's gone. I'm on Risperdal, I've been on antipsychotics for at least 7 years. I hope he will stay gone, I don't know what might happen but I'm hoping for the best.

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Post Nov 19, 2021 at 02:11 PM
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@SandyWeb I have schizo affective disorder and have had my fair share of delusions and hallucinations. I still have a pdoc. If you don't feel ready to be without a treatment team then TELL them that! Don't just fade away. They may ask you what your treatment goals are and be prepared to say just what you've told us here. I NEED meds I don't feel safe from my delusions.
Thanks, Moose72, for writing to me. I am sorry that you are suffering with schizo affective disorder. That must be heck!

What you mentioned in your message is fairly true. I don't want to lose my treatment team, and I HAVE told them. But since I'm not experiencing any hallucinations (of any type) and the people are gone, the pdoc says that he is closing my file. My anxiety is another issue altogether, and he said that my family doctor could prescribe my Klonopin.

The one thing I do NOT want is to be on antipsychotics anymore! The people left about 1.5 years ago (after progressively torturing me for 10 years), but I continued with the antipsychotics. At some point my body started subtly vibrating, and I KNEW that it had to be from the antipsychotics that my body just did not want. I quit them cold turkey this past June, and I am fine other than the vibrations never go away (they vibrate from my feet to my chest....even in my "private areas"), and I think the antipsychotics have damaged my nerves somehow. I am SCARED to go back on antipsychotics. I barely can stand this 24/7 vibrating!

If I tell my mental health nurse (who will tell the pdoc) that I don't believe that I was psychotic and that everyone and everything was REAL....what more can they do other than put me back on meds again?? I'm scared these people will return at some point (unless the alpha female is dead), and so I don't feel safe at all. And these vibrations remind me of many of the tortures that they put me through. Very intrusive thoughts!

I'm not ready to fade away, as you say. I need to be in touch with a mental health team to at least TALK. The only thing I would have would be a crises phone line, and that is only for peole in crisis.

Oops, gotta go.

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Default Nov 29, 2021 at 02:01 AM
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I know this sounds weird but have you ever done trauma therapy? Whether it was real or psychosis it was torcher. Even now you feel unsafe. Have you discussed what to do if the come back? how to address it? What matters is your quality of life and right now your quality of life is not good. Even if you don't have a psychiatrist can you get a therapist? The scary part is you have to be 100% honest with them.

X happened to me. I'm told it was psychosis but it feels real even now. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

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Post Nov 29, 2021 at 10:18 AM
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I know this sounds weird but have you ever done trauma therapy? Whether it was real or psychosis it was torcher. Even now you feel unsafe. Have you discussed what to do if the come back? how to address it? What matters is your quality of life and right now your quality of life is not good. Even if you don't have a psychiatrist can you get a therapist? The scary part is you have to be 100% honest with them.

X happened to me. I'm told it was psychosis but it feels real even now. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Thank you for your message. You really do seem to understand. Yes, I have thought of this whole situation as a trauma I have gone through. It feels REAL....and like any trauma, the person needs to talk about it and find ways of dealing with it. But apparently if you are told it was psychosis, then you are left on your own once the "hallucinations" go away. And all they do is give you anti-psychotics anyways. There is no talk therapy!

Right now I am doing okay. The memories come and go in their strength to agitate me. I still have the body vibrations, but they also vary in intensity.

Thank you again.
Have to go.

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