Roll Call 189

I need to get off of clonazepam. It saps my motivation and energy.

Also, I don't know why I was thinking of not seeing my therapist anymore. She is helpful.

2nd time the cat has knocked the curtains down today, she climbs up them

I legitimately cannot sleep without my thorazine. It's ridiculous. If I don't take it I'm up half the night and maybe get 1-2 hours of very light broken sleep

I feel highly agitated because my abilify shot is a week late and I didn't take thorazine the past 2 days and I skipped one of my perphenazine last night too

I guess I'll just accept I'm on 3 APs. I mean wtf. One is only for sleep because my insurance won't cover ambien, and even if it did I wouldn't feel comfortable taking it. The other two are for psychosis and mood. My doctor said the goal is to keep me out of the hospital

They're not super high doses or anything. The abilify shot is 400mg, perphenazine is 12mg, and the thorazine is 200mg

Maybe I should just come off the abilify shot, I don't know what it's doing for me anyway. Since I'm getting better at swallowing pills, it's kind of obsolete now. I mean, the whole reason I went on it was so I could get off my other APs because I wanted to take less physical pills. But I'm doing better with swallowing pills now

Yeah when I talk to my doctor on the 2nd I'm gonna ask her about coming off the abilify.

Sorry for rambling. I'll keep taking my prescribed meds until she says I can come off one

Going downstairs and getting ginger ale. Feeling nauseous again

I fell asleep and didn't get to watch the 4th hour of my anti anxiety show. The fitted bed sheet is all messed up. It won't stay on.

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Its freezing cold, rainy and windy outside right now

Now it’s snowing 😃

It’s snowing here too!

Good day today

There was no snow here yet and I wish I had fresh pita bread to fill with turkey mayo and cranberries. It's crap being stuck in here.

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I used to cook and stuff pitas with it. I don't know why they've never given us lima beans to eat. Too expensive? I used to make chana dal and stuff it into pitas. And curried cauliflower and peas. I love that. I wonder if I'll ever be able to cook again.

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I'm overwhelmed that I'm wasting time. I will smoke some plant and see if it helps (I'm terrible at knowing which type of self medicating is good or bad for me - As obvious as you already know..).

I drank cider but it made me feel spaced out - So I'm just going to quit alcohol completely. It makes me feel BAD. I have to quit, not because I like it too much - But because it's bad for my mental health.

I think I get as much exercise out of playtime with the kitty as she does, damn I'm out of shape

Kittens are super playful. My moms friend bought a kitten and it had ADHD.. Really bad ADHD..

Kitten Ritalin is needed.

As a person that has used ~50 different psychoactive chemicals (Not including psychiatric meds), I can say that MUSIC.. Yes, music.. Is a very powerful drug. In fact, one of the most potent.

I was listening to a podcast that was talking about making music illegal at certain points in history - I forget what was said though.. But there is still music censorship that varies by country.

When I had terrible numbing anhedonia, all I could listen to was techno music with heavy repetitive beats. With the lyrics that were rarely in between, it had an ecstatic type quality about life. I was extremely depressed and alone, wanting a life that I could never have - Because there was something horribly wrong with me. I still can't explain what it exactly was.

Then once I healed, my listening branched out into every other genre like a spider web - Or mycelium.. Like after I swallowed the mush serotonin replacement chemical. Mixed with classic rock, it was so euphoric. Followed again by demonic energies - and once that passed, then a serotonin releaser.

It effected me so much that I started to learn playing guitar. My dad was amazed at what I was playing - So he gave me his guitar. It's worth like 10k dollars. 3 years ago, the friends I had who were teaching me guitar said that I learned so quickly that I would be better than them eventually - If I kept playing.. But I didn't.. I feel like I need inspiration again.. idk..

Serotonin is important.. Because music is repetitive.. Then the build up is dopaminergic. If u have too much dopamine already, I can see how the whole thing is just a lack of feeling anything.

So this was amazing for me to read about limiting beliefs....picture a baby elephant held in place by a metal stake with a rope tied to it and the elephant. The baby elephant is just a baby and can’t remove the stake and it learns that no matter how hard it tries it just can’t but as the elephant grows to full size it could clearly pull it up, but it has just stopped trying. It reminds me of something my first pdoc said about just because you weren’t good at something in the past doesn’t mean you aren’t good now. Anyway this elephant story is part of the book limitless which is really good. Jim kwik.

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We read that and got a handout about it when I was in my day treatment program, it's good

Going to do some yoga