Roll Call 189

I wanna be able not to be reached at certain times. I am setting up cell phone office hours. I think I'll keep my phone off from all hours of the day except 5:00 - 6:00 PM. I know it sounds extreme, but I mean, this is really causing me problems.

I ended up sleeping most of the day. I wasn't fully awake till 6:30pm

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Feeling nauseas

Eh, I am good again. Just took my 15 mg prescribed olanzapine. Helps a lot.

I think I have to practice gratitude like Desoxyn said. Honestly. I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a job. I have meds that work pretty well. That alone is a lot.

How to Live in the Moment: 11 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow

My current psychiatrist and my previous psychiatrist offered to put me on Effexor (Venlafaxine - An SNRI) but I said no (Not yet).

I never tried it. I should try a low dose (25-37.5mg) and see if it could help with my symptoms;

"Sadness, unhappiness
Loss of interest in enjoyable activities
Anger, frustration, irritability
Sleep changes (too much or too little)
Feelings of worthlessness
Thoughts of death or suicide; suicidal attempts
Weight loss or weight gain"

A little serotonin to lift my mood, a little more norepinephrine for alertness and ADHD.. Why not?

I'll taper off of phenibut completely, stop smoking weed and stop using psilocybin mushrooms.

I should give it a try... Cuz self medicating is extremely mentally exhausting.

It can increase blood pressure dramatically in some people... Idk man. I asked someone and he said that it made him irritable.

Edit: Nah I'll just quit the phenibut etc.. I'll see how I am with ONE WEEK, just prescribed med. But it will take about 2 weeks of tapering.

I will start tomorrow.

I finally got myself to vacuum my apartment. And I did laundry. Still have to clean up the bathroom, kitchen and clean the trash can.

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Just going to throw this out there but irritability can come with high mood in some people....it may not have that effect on you. If they tapering etc doesn’t work I would consider trying it.

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So bf and I had a long discussion about him yelling at me and he realizes he was wrong....he said he thought it would help me remember. I was like it’s no big deal if I forget there’s a light switch at the door you can use....I mean really. Not a big deal. We were talking about his mom and how she stopped eating once she found out the food was from me....I was like yep.

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So it’s occurred to me I’m living the life of rapunzel. Trapped in an upstairs bedroom except when I go downstairs to eat. Plus there are a million rules. I don’t think I can live like this but I’m not sure where I want to be either. Housing is so unaffordable right now.

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I'm feeling better today. Had a good sleep.

Waiting for better days.. I've waited years and years to move out of isolation. I gave up, and then moved to this mountain town. Now I want to move to Vancouver island.. so I'm waiting again.. But right now is not too bad I suppose.

The restaurant owners son really bothered me at work today. This happens every time he comes in an hour before I leave.

He asks me "How's life?" and I said "It's alright" and then laughed at me. He asks me what I do like if I go skiing and I said I go 2x a week. I felt the need to explain that it isn't all I do extrovertedly - But I'm an introvert so what am I really going to tell him? I said that I don't like the winter cuz it's cold can't go hiking or mountain biking.

His sister gave me a cold drink and he said "He doesn't like the cold" and they laughed - So I said "Yes but I like this drink" and he laughed again.

I don't just not like the cold. Sometimes I have cold showers, I like snow - I like fresh air. It's like my mind is made up of nonsense when people try to talk to me.

He asked "How's your gf?" and I said "I don't have one" so he asked "How's your bf" and I said that I'm not gay. I'm don't think of myself as just gay because my sexuality is complicated.

Mental illness was what I was dealing with in high school and all I remember from that time was an idiot telling everyone I'm gay. That's all they cared about. I wasn't even aware of my sexuality because I was dealing with much more severe things.

I explained bisexuality and asexuality to someone on a video chat and he said that I'm asexual because my mom is a "*****" cuz she cheated on my dad. I don't even have a problem with promiscuity - He obviously did. He told me to call him "Dad" - I already have a dad?

It was at the time I said that she was going through breast cancer. He told me to buy a dog and everyone was like "Yeah buy a dog" - But I have a cat? Do people just not think I have any emotion or I'm cynical?

He said that I don't make facial expressions (Isn't that an autism/schizophrenia thing?) and after I said that I doubted my diagnosis, he said that I should stop my meds and I'll never get out of the psychiatric system. He said that I should play a sport - So he made me listen to this person talking about flying disks. He said that I would end up as a serial killer or turn to religion.

It's like I'm a huge joke to people in real life and that people see me much differently than to how I see myself. My family and close friends are the only people that actually know me. What am I supposed to say? "Once you get passed the mystery about me, you'll realize that I'm not a joke for you to hate".

It's the same thing at previous places that I worked at. I'm always told to smile so I did - And then I seem like an idiot.

I talked to two soldiers before and I said "Brb I need to go for a piss" and they were like "Finally you said something human".

What does this all mean? I don't know why people do this to me. My mind tortures itself enough already every day.

I can't do this anymore. My life just keeps getting worse and worse because of how I think.

Just woke up from a nap with the cat, I keep taking naps every day lately because my meds make me so tired

I'm just going to ignore what people say and not care and at least try to be happy.

Sorry for what you're going through Desoxyn, I don't have any advice since I'm bad at giving advice but I just wanted to let you know that even if I don't reply, I read your posts and we all care about you here

My sister hasn't shown up again. So I still don't have that paperwork I needed from her 3 weeks ago. I'm gonna just have to talk to my care/case manager and see if she can help me get the paperwork some other way