Roll Call 190

I made a lot of friends when I moved here. It was really fun cuz we talked, smoking/drinking, played games and made a band, playing guitar and sharing songs - One guy had a laptop and a synthesizer. It eventually stopped after my mom fired some for not being responsible.

That wouldn't have happened if I didn't trip - Cuz it opened my mind and allowed me to talk to people (In high school, I ignored everyone, had no self-awareness and was horribly depressed).

I still talk to the first friend that I've met here - Really smart, weird, opinionated, hippie. He mentioned hanging out but I'd rather not cuz my mind doesn't really make sense anymore. He did a lot of hiking at the time but now goes on expeditions which I can't do.

Mostly after that, I hung around with my moms friends hiking, skiing, mountain biking.. But they're extremely dramatic with BPD and I decided that I wanted enough of the shallow, immature, alcoholic/cocaine use etc.. It was pretty horrible. I had to drug myself to tolerate their nonsense, toxic positivity, etc

I still go to coffee connections that was recommended by my therapist but rarely - But I'm an introvert so I never really cared for the activities and stuff idk.

I used to buy a lot of junk food and snacks my whole life, energy drinks, coke etc.. But lately I don't do that anymore - I'm not sure why.

I drink a lot of black unsweetened coffee and herbal teas to manage my cravings

2020 was one of the best years (Even though I had 30-40 1+ hour long lasting dissociative panic attacks and was hospitalized after it) - Cuz I'd take extra stim, stay up all night looking at the stars, walking into town at 6am to buy coffee and watch the sun rise, junk food, listening to podcasts, music, terence mckenna, alan watts, very interesting thoughts + I just felt really good because I wasn't on olanzepine. It felt like I was on acid every day.

It was an enlightenment period. I wonder if I'll ever be like that again. It was also horrible - I've never felt such pain.. But it was OK. I seemed to have some sort of DP/DR psychosis - But very profound experiences.

There was such nonsense happening because my mom was being self destructive from PTSD (Her ex, life, etc). I talked to many strange people. It was traumatizing for me mostly.

I don't remember much. At this point, I am stable because I understand life more idk

What is coffee connections is it online?

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When you get old you’re going to have so many stories….

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In the town, there's community services. They get people connected to resources (Because it's a tourist town and people don't stay here for long). 1-2 times a week, the same people come to drink coffee with a coordinator + Some new people join. We just talk and drink coffee. But it always gets shut down due to COVID waves.

I had a good appointment with my therapist. She is going to help me fill out another form for the vocational rehabilitation program, and in the meantime I'm going to look into the local library and see if they are offering any jobs, we think that would be a good job for me, shelving books or whatever, I wouldn't be around tons of people (my social anxiety is extremely bad) which would be good for my first job.

Yep library would be great for you

Covid results back. Negative. I knew I was being a hypochondriac. It's just hard to know what to do nowadays when you have a symptom or two but don't really feel all that bad, because there are mild cases of Covid. I still think I did the right thing, I just also feel kind of dumb having fretted about it.

We played a fun game in group therapy last night called the UM game. You basically get asked a bunch of weird silly questions and everyone answers. It's kind of a team building, get to know each other better thing. The question I asked the group is, if you could have any imaginary pet what would it be? My answer was an invisible cat so I could take her to work with me!

Uni octopus….magical rainbow Uni octopus.

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I should mention I’m allergic to most pets imaginary or not…….lol

I feel weird. Idk if it’s from starting to taper off the trileptal, too much coffee or not enough food

I'm doing pretty good today. I had a bit of a rough start to the day. Felt pretty sick. But I am better now.

How has your sleep been?

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I forgot to set my alarm….I feel less good with less energy. Can’t help but feel I’m playing with fire but still, it felt nice to feel good like actually upbeat for a change.

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Just finished my fourth book of the year. Feels good to be reading again, and at a normal rate above 300 wpm. Seriously considering learning speed reading after limitless. It could be so useful.

Glad you’re doing good WA, sorry you had a rough start though.

It’s been good, just at weird times. Like I didn’t fall asleep till like 2 or 3am and slept until 1pm.

I woke up feeling better though