Roll Call 190

Crazy dreams, hard to get out of bed, took stim at 9am, dragging on with work but enough energy to get by, came home, shower, clean litter box, made coffee, gave my cat some milk, refilled more stim and will now smoke weed, look at whats happening in this crazy world then might read something on my tablet..

Just a normal day

I'm going to stretch my ears again back to a 22mm gauge. I miss all the fun colorful different styles of plugs I used to wear. I left them without wearing anything in them for a few years and they shrank back down. But I'm really getting the urge to wear them again. I'll have to start back out from the beginning it will take awhile till I'm at 22mm again.

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I wish I had your motivation. I've been severely lacking in motivation the past few months. I procrastinate so much.

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There's always a place where I put my things.. They all have their own place (Every little thing) - This started after I had all of those dissociative panic attacks. It sort of created new compulsions (Because I'd always have to find where my things were while panicking, staring at them for over 5+ minutes each until I knew what their functions were).

It helped to organize/write daily tasks on a piece of paper. It seemed weird because I wrote down every single thing that I did - I started off with 1-2 things a day (Because I was so dissociated and panicky).

I used to not do anything.. No shower, or brushing teeth, no making my bed, no chores (Once my moms ex got kicked out) - I didn't know what to do. In the psych hospital, my dad took me to a bench outside to cut my nails because I wasn't taking care of myself and told me to get haircuts, shower etc.

But it's good now.. It just takes time to build habit. If I don't do the things I need to do, I can't focus and get intrusive thoughts.

Taking the stimulant as prescribed really helps too. I still procrastinate things because I'd rather scroll social media and listen to music etc but I make sure to keep thinking about what I want to do until I finally do it. Sometimes it can take days.

I remember in high school, no one wanted to do a certain safety course (It was one of the biggest pains) and a classmate said "Let's just get it done and over with" and I thought to myself, "Wtf? How can someone be like that?".. I was really depressed but I thought about it for a long time.

That's awesome! I'm trying to get like that, it will take some work but I think I can do it

I use Microsoft's To-Do app to keep track of things.

This is tomorrows to do list, plus washing/changing bed sheets and washing my comforter.

I also will need to take a shower. It will all take a few hours but I can just take it one step at a time. I'll start at 8am tomorrow morning then report back on here around 1pm with how it went, to help hold me accountable kind of

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Been feeling kinda meh even though I have the day off and all. Idk we went out to the park but it was so cold we walked like ten minutes total and the rest of the day was errands. I feel like a change is coming, maybe I’ll go out on my own tomorrow….it’s championship weekend or some sporty thing that bf wants to see. So maybe I should go out on my own.

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I feel nauseous and have a headache. I think it’s because I keep waking up too late and missing my morning meds

I feel weird and paranoid.

Are they the kind you’re supposed to take even if you miss the time?

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I don't know, the morning ones are trileptal, Zoloft, abilify, Wellbutrin, naltrexone. These are the ones I keep missing

The night ones I haven't been missing are the 2nd dose of trileptal and my thorazine. Those I've been taking.

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For Abilify if you miss it’s you’re supposed to take it as soon as possible so lunch time would be ok…..can you talk to a doc or pharmacist about what to do?

Yeah I can, I'll take it as soon as I get up tomorrow and will try to keep back on schedule. I've probably missed my morning meds 3 or 4 times this week but I'm usually good at taking them on time. I always thought I should just skip them if I wake up and it's after 11am because I aim to take them at 8am

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Pretty soon once I'm off the trileptal I'll just be on

10mg abilify
200mg Zoloft
300mg Wellbutrin
50mg Naltrexone
And 200mg thorazine

Klonopin prn but I rarely take that

That's the least amount of meds I've been on in a long time. I hope things go well with coming off the trileptal. I have been on it for like 6 or more years. So we'll see. So far we stopped the 300mg afternoon dose of trileptal. I'm still taking 600mg in the morning and 600mg at night. We're cutting it down one pill per week till I'm off it.

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I feel very anxious and slightly paranoid about some things I can't keep letting my anxiety and whatnot take over though.

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It’s 4 degrees right now with a wind chill that makes it feel like -14 degrees

Does the abilfy keep you awake at night, it actually makes me sleepy so I take it at night. Anyway since it’s your main AP you might want to move it so you’ll take it every day. It’s got a 72 hr half life but the dose if you miss is still too low.

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I took it at 1pm today. So hopefully that gets me back on track. I can’t tell if it makes me tired or keeps me up

I have some lavender scented wax welting in my Scentsy wax warmer, smells amazing

So I was at work.. And people were talking casually. I wanted to say things but it felt the same as when I was as a teenager. I felt anxious.

I still feel paranoid about the vaccine. The spots all over my body don't seem to be going away. I procrastinated the first shot and then didn't want to take the second but the bloody government phoned me and told me to get it - So I did. I'm definitely not getting the third or more. I was tricked.

This whole world is ****ed - And I'm in too much fear to at least enjoy my life during the end times. A coworker was talking to someone as I walked out the door about the situation in Canada and she said "Yeah now a bunch of people are awakening to the corruption". I just have to accept my decision.

Anyways, I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am dependent on a very low dose of phenibut. I wish I could do MDMA assisted psychotherapy or something. I don't know what to do. I need to write a book or something about my past and what happened. I'm so confused. My decision making is too fixed now to buy any drugs. All I'm basically doing is waiting to die it seems.

I'm going to tell my mom about all of this. I took extra phenibut which should kick in soon. It's extremely difficult. I don't know how most people can think spiritually and I needed psilocybin to be normal. And no one knows what is real - It's all nonsense. I went on Twitter and I think, "Why are people wasting their time trying to be RIGHT?".

I feel like we're too lost to save at this point. I knew this in 2012. That's why I gave up - Everything was chaos. My parents and ex step dad are insane. I grew up in nonsense, I will die in nonsense and my afterlife will also be nonsense.