Roll Call 190

I have to get off of Klonopin.

I feel like not seeing my therapist anymore. I don't think it helps quite honestly. It's silly to pay the amount I pay for it.

Tomorrow I'm walking the library to return some long overdue books and pay off my late fees. (thanks agoraphobia for making walking 10 minutes down the street so difficult that I've let my books go overdue which I normally never do)

Then I'm going to do some much needed cleaning in my apartment. Then take a shower. Have a cappuccino and enjoy my Reese's valentine's heart candy.

Saturday I'm walking to my friend's to hang out for a few hours. He'll walk part of the way here and we'll meet half way then g to his place so the walk isn't so anxiety provoking for me. I will only half to walk part of the way alone. I wonder how my cat is going to react when I get home because he has a cat too and Stash might smell that cat on me.

I'm going to see if he wants the go to Burger King later this month to get something to eat mainly just to get out of the house for a bit.

Sunday my sister is coming over to visit. Will be nice to see her. Last time I saw her was Christmas Eve. Stash likes her, last time she was here she came out and played with her.
Speaking of Stash I gave her some of her wet food yesterday and the rest today for a treat see nice she normally just eats dry. She loved that. I want the give her wet food more often, I just need to order a case of it from Amazon since my stores have zero canned cat food.

I have an appointment with my therapist next Tuesday.

Monday is Valentine's and I'm celebrating it, I don't care if I'm not in a relationship. I haven't been in a relationship since I was 18-19 and I'm 27 now and have no plans of ever being in one again. I just find them too complicated and I prefer being single. I'm going to eat chocolate and watch stuff, play games, read. Pretty much enjoy the whole day.


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I got my tapers to get my ears back the size I want. I'm going back to 3/4" and staying there, which is what I was at for several years but I went to the hospital at one point and they had me take them off because you can't have any kind of jewelry on in there. So I ended up never bothering putting them back in after I got out and they went back to a much smaller size so I sort of have to start over. It will take awhile.

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I guess I can't keep a promise. I am not going down on Klonopin. It just makes me crazy when I go down on it.

Also it is really hard to find motivation to exercise right now, and I know it helps me, but I can't find the motivation. It's like everything is going wrong right now. I have to find a way to snap out of it.

I have no idea what I'm doing anymore

Can your doctor help you taper very slowly? Like extremely slowly so it's not as difficult? Even if it takes a couple years.

I take Klonopin but just as needed and very rarely so I might take one once a month or less or more depending on how I'm doing. But I try to never take it two times in one week and try to take it even less often than that so I don't build tolerance to it so it stays effective and I don't have to worry about withdrawals or needing to taper off it. I use it as an extreme emergency med. It's nice to know it's there if I really need it but it's not something I take unless all other options are exhausted. My doctor encourages me to take it more often if I need to but I won't because I don't want to become dependent on it. That's just personally how I choose to use it but I know everyone is different. The last thing I need is to become dependent on something that loses effectiveness the more/longer you take it. I feel like it can backfire and make anxiety issues worse in the long run. I know when a doctor I was seeing a long time ago had me on it two times a day every day it just made my anxiety worse because I felt like I needed it and like my anxiety relief was dependant on it. I can't remember how I tapered off to where I'm at now but it was hard.



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I took clonazepam cuz a physical rage has come over me after drinking alcohol.

I've decided not to drink anymore. But I will still get thoughts of trying to end

I told my mom that I bought a bottle of vodka so she took it. I said that I can't handle everything and she says that I'm doing good and that my decisions aren't for nothing. I said that I feel like I have to live when I don't want to.

My mom said that I inspire her and I said why.. She said that I don't give up, I set ambitions.. and other things that I forget. But I'm too hard on myself. I said I know that.

Tomorrow will be a new day. I just hope my coworkers don't bother me.

The building is having a Valentine's grab and go dinner thing today at 2pm, so I'm gonna go downstairs later and get some.

The apartment code inspection is on the 22nd, they do it every 6 months, like 8 random apartments are chosen to be inspected. Hopefully if mine's inspected it goes well

I'm doing ok this morning. Decided to stay on Klonopin for now. I can't deal with the withdrawals. Also my pdoc and my therapist both say to stay on it for now.

Hi guys. Doing a bit better today. Starting to really look forward to my vacation. My anxiety feels pretty good at the moment. It was higher this morning when I was coming to work and thinking of all the work I had to do. But now most of it is done so I feel good. Plus I did some accounting stuff that I have never had to do before and I did it all by myself and I went over it with the Controller of the company and she said she was proud of me and good job!

My T just texted me and addressed me as beautiful client/woman/person/human being.


Um. That's a little weird.


Like I'm an accountant and HR person so I guess technically I have clients. But I would never tell them they are beautiful. I have told them, you made my day or something like that. Why is therapy so weird.


I don't know how I feel about it. So I didn't text her back.

Aftercare was really good last night! It was on self-compassion.

Work was ok...

I took dexedrine and a microdose.

My mental state is as if you're standing out in the cold, shivering - Or almost getting to your destination and suddenly thinking of turning all the way back. Or staring into the void!

Ah yes.. I should read.

I haven't been making lists or goals anymore. I'm still vigorously finding meaning and self reflecting + understanding the world. I will keep doing this for a while.

Then I will continue with the reality thing.

I need to heal too.. maybe I have already.

The past.. I don't remember much.

What have I even been doing - I want to live but also need to protect myself.

I can't make goals. I can't think of any. It's driving me nuts.

My therapist in the independent living unit I think quit cuz of me not being able to make goals.

It's just apathy and de-motivation.