Roll Call 190

Ok.. 235pm.. I'll sleep. Tomorrow, I'll try to take things more seriously - But also not so seriously at the same time? Idk how this works but I'll try.

CAn you find something remote?

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I went grocery shopping, got veggies and salads, sweet potatoes, hummus, crinkle cut French fries, cheesecake, break n bake chocolate chip cookies, stuff to make cheese quesadillas, Greek yogurt, bread, raspberry jam, instant coffee, milk, bananas, and some condiments.

I'm trying to eat more vegetables. I plan on sautéing some yellow squash, onions, and mushrooms in olive oil sometime this week, they're really good together. I'm also making buffalo chicken thighs later this week with cheesy broccoli rice

The shelves were like a quarter empty at the store

I'm cooking spaghetti at the moment. I'm really tired, mostly due to not sleeping enough hours, so I'm not doing very much. I hate that. I have some some things I really wanted to get done today.

I had a good appointment with my therapist. We discussed how I'm off the the thorazine now and doing good and coming off a couple other meds. I also told her I'm talking to my care manager about possible volunteer opportunities so I can get used to being around people before I start part-time work. She got to see the cat again

I had a dream a cat went to Mars

I know where the regular Coke is again, which no one else does. The person who fills the machine uses other rows to put the regular Coke in, not under its second row. It's hard to explain. Anyway I think only I know where it is. It's a pain, I'd rather the bottles were what they say on the machine.


Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

19 Positive Affirmations That'll Change the Way You Think

How to Change Your Perception & Change Your Life

Post-Awakening Challenges: The Lost Gray World of Apathy

"In the form of spiritual apathy regarding indecisive, your old self wants one thing, and your new sense of self wants a different thing. This happens a lot. The old impulse to drink wine with your girlfriends comes up, and another impulse to go to a new yoga community gathering comes up. They both have an attraction to you, but it makes it hard to decide. The old ego still wants to do what it always has. The new desire to investigate a yoga gathering isn’t that strong yet, and it probably is running up against the fear of the unknown. So the person feels very indecisive."

"Another form of apathy that can arise is simply from energy depletion. It’s a lot of work at times to dissolve deeply held issues and ego attachments. With a true spiritual awakening, a lot of stuff gets pushed up all at once. It requires a lot of energy to process what is being understood on the mind, heart, body, and energy levels all at once. With all your energy dedicated to this transformation, you may find that you have no energy left to be interested in much of anything else."

Chronic Fatigue and Spiritual Awakening

"So you get the idea. The fatigue is coming from lack of energy or rather, a lack of energy for doing anything but transforming. You actually have tons of energy, but it's otherwise pre-occupied. It's kinda like having 20 GB of RAM, but it's all being used right now. Your computer can't do anything else until the first set of operations are done. But just because you do get a little energy from time to time to do more things doesn't mean that you should do lots of things during this time period. Do what you have to, and then trust that the rest will attend to itself."

I'm just listening to music. I had a pretty good day at work. Reasonable day.

I feel heavy like a stone

I've been reading about sound waves & harmony. I ate a bowl of cheerios with peanut butter.

Desoxyn

I signed up for a Sketchbox subscription service. Trying to get back into art and being artistic and creative. I thought this would help. Looking forward to seeing what is in it.

Went to sleep irritated and exhausted - Couldn't sleep either. I took a full zopiclone and .25 kpin.

I woke up, didn't want to get out of bed - But I did once the Vyvanse fully kicked in. I did the chores, had a shower etc.

I listened to music for a bit and then decided to finish a podcast - Didn't feel like doing it so I searched up types of YouTube channels. This video helped;



I started learning about blockchain on edx/coursera or something - But stopped. Although I had a little bit of an understanding. The days went by and I drifted away from it.

When my dad and sister came to visit, it has been -30 degrees for 2 weeks so we just stayed inside and didn't do anything. I couldn't even focus on the things that I DO, because my parents were drinking and fighting - So I started to drink and got agitated. And some point, I realize that drugs really don't help me and that I'm enlightened (Enough...) to continue trying.

So I'll do the course on Brilliant.org about blockchain because it seems better. I want to explore more of what my new devices can do. I also want to read more books - I read the fasting book and I'm sold on it (Even though there's propaganda articles saying that keto is unhealthy? - I'm sure obesity, high blood pressure, heart disease and cancer isn't healthy either) - So I'm reading the summary now.

I haven't had psychosis in over a year - But I feel that I have a delusion between the ideas of what my parents tell me, guiding me and their mistakes, control. No amount of money can be worth them dying. They did have cancer and other health issues. They will die within the decade and I'm not sure what I'll do. They want what is best for me but I also need to try and live.

I have full awareness that reality is an illusion. My dad believes that this is all a dream and there's nothing after death - But he was talking crazy that night, about everything. He told me in the morning that he didn't really mean it.

I just need to pick myself up and try to continue a steady state of flow. I need to accept myself for who I am and not what I do - Which I'll figure out long into the future. The spirituality stuff, I can't fully get into - A moderate amount is healthy and same with the opposite. I need to balance it all and not go into extreme, and impulsivity.

I need to enjoy my life and learn. My meds help - They need to be tweaked a little. I see my psychiatrist in around a month + I'm going back to the island to visit my sister because she left today. So I still have things to look forward to.

I'm addicted to metaphysical thoughts - I love the intuitive ideas and connections that I make. They've come back like what happened in 2019 but I just don't notice the feeling. Things will be good - I just need to try. Both of my parents tell me about good memories and I should think about the good times when I'm having dark thoughts.

Thank you so much, @Desoxyn! I really needed to hear someone say these things! I'm not as weird as I think I am!

I ate a salad today. I’m so proud of myself. It’s been so long since I’ve eaten vegetables.

My new game came today, it looks fun

I’m really craving a veggie sub from subway. FindingReason mentioned getting one yesterday and it just sounded so damn good and fresh

Feeling pretty lousy now.

I'm craving one from Jersey Mike's. Never had one from them yet. The ads on Pluto TV are hypnotizing me.

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

Kit

Sent from my Nokia XR20 using Tapatalk

I have a subway near me. Lately I've been thinking about going there. I didn't know they had an all veggie one. That's nice to know.
Kit, I'm sorry you feel so bad. I'm sending good wishes & vibes your way.

I could not make it to the gym today just because of the snow and stuff. I have avolition a lot.

Now my mom is phoning me and I don't feel like talking to her because she just basically acts like an overactive therapist.