Roll Call 192

I’m telling you bluebird, that’s why they always choose you for “random “ inspect is because it’s so clean that they want to use you so they don’t get in trouble.

Just called the library to double check that my late fees were waived and they were, they said I can check things out today if I wanted to

Yay!!! 😎😎😎

Taco Bell would be so good right now. There’s not one close to me/within walking distance though which sucks.

Or carne Asada with rice, and beans ,from a good Mexican restaurant. That’s my favorite.

I was thinking about how the second job could be too much for me - I don't even know what I want to do and now I have to focus on meaningless tasks which cause pain because I didn't do enough for my own self - And my pain tolerance is low (Even though I've been feeling this pain for 15 years).

I don't really like my coworkers. I left work at 1pm on my own without talking to my boss. I just wanted to leave - Cuz another new coworker keeps giving me stuff to do and she probably thinks I'm lazy - Maybe I am lazy. It's so annoying cuz she is uncoordinated and we bump into each other 50 times a day.

I just want to get work done and over with so I can enjoy myself - But I **** up doing that as well. I do everything I need to do + Have extra thoughts that are in touch with reality, what I should do - Something great idk.. I procrastinate sometimes.. People don't realize how much pain I feel. Why does everyone else not think of suicide? Is it because they fill the meaninglessness and injustice of an evil world with a gf/bf?

I drank some rum to relax when I got home. I'll start the second job next week or something.

I'm sure that my coworkers like me but I have no idea what social cues or conversation to have to anyone. I don't want to talk but I can type online pretty fine. It's a different world IRL. I'm struggling to keep up with current events, history, my own personality even. It was all wasted because of my abuse. And people don't even want to hear me say that. All I did was ****ing chores. I AM CHORES. That's who I am.

I'm going to clean the house now and then think about what I should do - I just wish I could organize everything but it never ends. It's like OCD, just intrusive thoughts, keep thinking keep thinking (Until the problem is solved) but I always have such bad memories.. Insanity.

I don't like how my dad was mean to my mom in her house when he visited. He said that he would stay in a hotel the next time he visits me. I don't know what world I live in - If my dad is right and my mom is manipulative histrionic that just cares about his money, feminist, etc... I can't ****ing deal with how this whole reality is about sex.

I don't take things too seriously and when I do, people laugh. So I should just ****ing overdose or something.

But anyways, it's all good. I think..

I got into the hospital portal …small kidney stones and a small ovarian cyst.

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Omg sounds like I’m ordering a combo meal. I’ll take one order of small kidney stones with a side of small ovarian cyst

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If you take the second job and like it better you can leave the first?

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I'm so glad I was never brought to Chuck E. Cheese as a child, I probably would have been absolutely terrified of the creepy *** animatronics

The second job is only temporary - That's why I'm doing it.

Things will be OK. I talked to my siblings through text. I sent that whole thing in " " lol

Btw I'm not saying that the things I do are meaningless. They can be, but the sense of accomplishment that can come from them is good - Especially when severely schizishly unmotivated/depressed.

Yeah I got a few essay reviews done today. It's certainly not easy to find the motivation but hey, at least I did what I could do.

Also I don't see myself working a typical job. This is both scary and exciting, but mostly just difficult to deal with.

My parents keep telling me stuff like, "you can accomplish anything you set your mind to" and I know this to be patently false. I know I could probably be a university professor someday. Perhaps it's too lofty of a goal. I just think the stress would get to me unfortunately...

I was on that path and it induced my first psychosis….

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Yeah achievement in general has been a big trigger for me in terms of psychosis. I can't strive too hard, otherwise I'll burn out and end up feeling extremely bad.

Definitely a hard balance to strike, but I've felt genuine happiness in the past.

Not to say it can’t be done in any way….there is a lot of flexibility that’s for sure.

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Reading the last book in the series I started awhile back. Got the ebook from my library through Hoopla.

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I put in requests for the movies (DVDs) Frozen 2 and Moana from the library. I've seen the 1st Frozen movie, I own it actually. But I haven't seen the 2nd one yet and I haven't seen Moana yet