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Default May 12, 2022 at 10:23 AM
  #41
Anxious again today. Trying to manage it without medicating it! Might have to medicate though. We'll see.

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Default May 12, 2022 at 12:31 PM
  #42
Have an appointment with my therapist two hours from now. I’ve been trying to get up at 6am every day. I did today. And I feel exhausted now, my meds make me so tired. I need like 10 hours of sleep to not feel tired. But I don’t want to sleep that much.

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Default May 12, 2022 at 01:04 PM
  #43
Hope your appointment goes well Blue_Bird!

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Default May 12, 2022 at 03:04 PM
  #44
Thanks SK! Had a really good appointment with her. We talked about the cats for a bit and also talked about the progress I've been making (sleeping every night, taking my meds consistently, eating normally, getting out, etc) and talked about my plans for later this summer after Stash is fixed and after my 3 dentist appointments (getting a part-time job and enrolling back in college to take classes part-time to finish my associates degree). She is glad I'm doing so well

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Default May 12, 2022 at 03:22 PM
  #45
Another good day

What gives
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Default May 12, 2022 at 09:20 PM
  #46
I got some friends and family white flowers today for helping me during my illness Roll Call 193
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Default May 12, 2022 at 10:08 PM
  #47
I feel like I'm supposed to feel sad - And I allow it to happen because it's valid and for a reason. It's been this way in the past (Except I really had no idea what to do and gave up/lost hope cuz of the environmental and social isolation). It didn't help to be abused and neglected either - But I'm letting that go. It's always like I think of every experience that I've had as VALID.. and that thinking about them in every possible way will unlock a secret to solve my problems so I can feel BETTER? It's always about not liking the way I feel.. Maybe that's a problem but not THE problem..

I'm finally starting to figure things out since lately. Nothing really makes sense in my world and never did - But the psychedelic trips did really help to shuffle my mind around. I don't think I'll become sui but it's liberating to be intact/aware with the new knowledge that I didn't have in the past.

I will keep trying because I know that I have a chance now. It's so much different. I'm more disciplined.. I make better decisions.. Am I trying to hold onto my old self? Or am I trying to change? I think both..

There's not much that I need to know - Like from a teacher, guru, priest, shaman.. I just feel quite alone. Maybe new insights, perspectives. Would be nice to keep chasing chemical highs - The nature of addiction makes me think that I can pull it off (Or ANYTHING.. Anything at all - All of the directions to where I could go..).

The stuff that I know now, I keep forever. I want to change the world, live a rich life.. I just see the big picture waaay too much. Small details and lack of meaning bore me to death.. Need novelty, deeper secrets, fascinating/attractive shiny things, dopamine.. Some excitement.. But also - to relax, inspire, feel safer, content.. Idk what my dreams are, my goals, and why I think/feel so much.

Therapy would be my best bet.. I can also keep doing what I've done.. I could get a ****** therapist, go in a blind direction - I KNOW.. Only I know what to do.. and what I'm thinking, what's inside my mind. I'm not complaining at all.
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Default May 13, 2022 at 04:12 AM
  #48
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Hope you have fun. Is it a long trip or a short trip?
It’s 12 days long. So, long I’d say. Haha.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 10:31 AM
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It’s 12 days long. So, long I’d say. Haha.
Yes, definitely long!

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Default May 13, 2022 at 10:39 AM
  #50
I've been dealing with anxiety for quite a while. I don't know why I am having it to this extreme. Every day it is a choice to either take medication or battle through it with alternatives: affirmations, deep breathing, mindfulness, meditation, etc. I keep trying to battle through it because I don't want to take medication all the time. But it's an every morning, nausea, almost panic attack feeling and then the anxiety stays with me all day. Hmm. I guess something to bring up in therapy. It just feels like, to me, oh there she goes again, whining about something. Like it's not worth mentioning. But it is starting to really have an effect on my life. I guess it's starting to be something that I just can't ignore away.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 12:41 PM
  #51
Supposedly, I got diagnosed with delusional disorder by another therapist but I think that they meant delicious.
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Default May 13, 2022 at 02:38 PM
  #52
I gave my boss a 2 weeks notice. I'm not sure why. He seemed disappointed - Which makes me feel bad.

I just feel like they hate me - When they likely don't. I want to be alone. I have no idea what I'm doing.

People don't know me - And I want them to know my positive self - Not the negative. It makes me want to die lol

My mom and her friend wants me to work at the cannabis store - I don't feel like learning anymore. I don't want to cook. I don't know what I want - Just resistance to life - Just like before the trip.

I seemed to have atrial fibrillation last night - Not sure why. If I die in my sleep, I hope I'll be in a better place ^-; I can't trip again cuz of heart palpitations. I give up. My mind doesn't make any sense at all - And no one understands. So why not die - Especially when I'm abused by people that don't understand.
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Default May 13, 2022 at 03:08 PM
  #53
Extra phenibut..

I'm safe in my imagination. That's where I'll stay.
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Default May 13, 2022 at 03:10 PM
  #54
So runn run run the wolves are coming for you
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Default May 13, 2022 at 04:57 PM
  #55
I’ve been on a good sleep schedule lately. Going to bed around 9:30pm and getting up at 6am everyday. I set the coffee pot up before I go to bed so all I have to do in the morning is press the button for it to brew then I drink my coffee and play a game for an hour or so then I eat breakfast and get started with my day.

I practiced ukulele again today for 30 minutes.

Going to get on the treadmill tomorrow morning then do some cleaning when I’m done exercising.

It’s been a productive couple of days. I’ve been spending most of the days out of my bedroom/out of bed.

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Default May 13, 2022 at 06:53 PM
  #56
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I’ve been on a good sleep schedule lately. Going to bed around 9:30pm and getting up at 6am everyday. I set the coffee pot up before I go to bed so all I have to do in the morning is press the button for it to brew then I drink my coffee and play a game for an hour or so then I eat breakfast and get started with my day.

I practiced ukulele again today for 30 minutes.

Going to get on the treadmill tomorrow morning then do some cleaning when I’m done exercising.

It’s been a productive couple of days. I’ve been spending most of the days out of my bedroom/out of bed.

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These sound like really good things! Be careful about how not every day is productive (I fall in that trap..) cuz sleep schedules always stray away at least one day a week (For me at least).

I'm happy that I don't stay up all night anymore, on stims especially.. I liked walking around at night, looking at the stars, watching the sun rise.. Walking into town for coffee.. Listening to Alan Watts, Terence Mckenna, Duncan Trussell.. Those, honestly BB..

..were some of my most magical days. I have awakened.. Greatly.. I was having dissociative panic attacks at the time too + dealing with trauma of my mom dealing with her OWN trauma.. What a traumatic perpetuating cycle of nonsense - But I forgive her...

- As long as the things that you're doing are good for you personally.. It can be hard to enjoy life these days.. properly at least..

Am very happy that you are enjoying/on track (IMO) ^-; It's very hard to do these things on those schiz meds.. horrible ******* meds but are needed for now =]
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Default May 13, 2022 at 06:57 PM
  #57
Roll Call 193
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Default May 13, 2022 at 07:41 PM
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These sound like really good things! Be careful about how not every day is productive (I fall in that trap..) cuz sleep schedules always stray away at least one day a week (For me at least).

I'm happy that I don't stay up all night anymore, on stims especially.. I liked walking around at night, looking at the stars, watching the sun rise.. Walking into town for coffee.. Listening to Alan Watts, Terence Mckenna, Duncan Trussell.. Those, honestly BB..

..were some of my most magical days. I have awakened.. Greatly.. I was having dissociative panic attacks at the time too + dealing with trauma of my mom dealing with her OWN trauma.. What a traumatic perpetuating cycle of nonsense - But I forgive her...

- As long as the things that you're doing are good for you personally.. It can be hard to enjoy life these days.. properly at least..

Am very happy that you are enjoying/on track (IMO) ^-; It's very hard to do these things on those schiz meds.. horrible ******* meds but are needed for now =]

Yeah one of my favorite things is staying up late and doing things like reading, listening to music, podcasts, etc. but I need to sleep because my mental health is a wreck when I don’t get any. It sucks though because I love staying up late. But getting into a semi routine has helped me a lot. It feels predictable and I guess there’s sometimes comfort when you feel like you can predict what you will be doing throughout the day. But I also enjoy my mornings, they’re peaceful and mindful. Though I do wish I didn’t have to sleep because there’s so much I’d like to do during the time I should be sleeping

I’ve been showering most days too which is good

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Default May 14, 2022 at 06:55 AM
  #59
Good morning. Woke up around 5am today. It’s going on 8am now. Just had breakfast. Scrambled eggs w/ mushrooms and a piece of wheat toast and a cup of half-caffeinated black coffee.

Not feeling too motivated to get on the treadmill today, I think I may just focus on cleaning today since I have a lot of that to do. I don’t want to push myself too much at once. I will get on it again during the week. Today will be a cleaning day and tomorrow will be a relax day. I’m proud of myself for the progress I’ve been making though. I’ve been staying on top of the dishes too. Doing them every morning and every night after meals, sometimes in the afternoon too. That way when I wake up in the mornings I don’t have a sink full of dishes waiting for me which is really annoying to wake up to. And they don’t pile up too much because I’m doing them a few times throughout the day.

I’m trying to eat more vegetables which is why I put mushrooms in my eggs this morning. I also plan on having spinach two times today, some more mushrooms and a baked sweet potato, with the other stuff I’m eating.

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Default May 14, 2022 at 08:52 AM
  #60
Cleaned out all the expired condiments and whatnot out of the fridge. Gonna have to replace them next time I shop, there was a lot. Also organized the stuff on the shelf in my entertainment center

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