Roll Call 193

Hugs Desoxyn. Hugs my friend. I love you very much.

I am feeling some self hatred/loathing at the moment too. So I feel your pain.

But you know what? Screw it. We are worthy of love, of care, and of compassion. No matter what we are struggling with, no matter what we have overcome we are worthy because we are. We exist. And that's enough. We try. And that's enough. Stay strong my friend. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe not. But one of these stinking days it has to get better. HUG

You're right and that's super uplifting so thank you for that.

NMDA receptor - Wikipedia

I'm getting ideas from SP. This receptor seems to be the cause of my prollems.

I need an agonist.. Not antagonist..

I'll ask my psychiatrist about Caplyta (Lumateperone).

I'm gonna stop the Dexedrine for a few days because I feel very sick.. Dizzy sick.. Or dopamine depleted sick..

I said to my mom that I wanted to stop the Invega and she's highly against that... But lumateperone would be very good...

In the meantime, I'm gonna try and meditate for a few days as well. This is really a time that I need to be THINKING.. PLANNING.. etc.. Cuz I have no idea what I'm doing. It's constant overwhelming stress.

I'll try sarcosine again as well.. Cuz I'm not scared of heart palps anymore..

Brain fog from COVID can last weeks

I ate 1g of vitamin C

I'm looking at nootropics again. I need those.. - I've had enough of euphoriants. I just want to improve my life.

NMDA agonists are neurotoxic that’s why everything surrounds the dopamine receptor instead because there is like a feedback loop. Have you ever tried Abilify it’s a partial agonist….they’re all very similar.

Be aware nicotine is still bad for your heart in any form….

Hi friends. I feel a little better today. I had a really good aftercare session last night. We did a song share. Elizabeth Grace - Greater (Lyrics) - YouTube This is the song I shared. FYI/Trigger it's a Christian song.

Then we did a worksheet about something we want to change and how we are going to be able to accomplish that. I said I wanted to be a better advocate for myself.

Then the second hour we did the um game which is basically answering a bunch of random questions. It's like team building or something. There were only three of us in the group and the therapists and two of us had seen the scheduled Ted Talk so they decided to do the um game instead. It was fun. Always on the nights when I don't feel like going to Aftercare it's like the best night ever! I'm glad I went!

Heading to my dentist appointment soon

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Hope it goes well, Blue_Bird!

Four of my friends are travelling back from Israel, but they got delayed and missed their connecting flights in Munich. They are in a group of like 70 people so rebooking all those people to the US is going to be hard. Then to make matters worse, I guess the weather is bad there and they grounded the planes. I guess they are not making it back to the US today! I guess that is one of the difficulty with traveling. You gotta be flexible. I told them on WhatsApp that I was glad they were traveling together and had each other to keep them company! Hope they don't have to spend like 48 hours or something in the airport. That would be not too fun.

Sheesh. I am bored at work today. I did a lot of work yesterday. I should have held some over until today.

I sent my parents a text message with an image of the tattoo that I am planning to get on the 2nd. Technically I am an adult and can do whatever I want, but since I live with them, I try to take their wishes into account.

Communicating by text with my parents is how I usually bring up difficult topics.

I think my Dad will be fine with it but I can guarantee my Mom won't be happy.

I usually call them on my lunch break....in about half an hour, so I might get an earful then!

The root canal went okay, it took over an hour and I had my mouth open the entire time which sucked. I have another appointment in August to finish the root canal, they said it should hopefully only take one more appointment to finish it. So I have my last fillings on August 15th and my root canal is being finished on August 18th Then hopefully I'm done with dental work and can just keep up with regular cleanings and exams, and hopefully never have to do this crap again

HUGS Blue_Bird! I am proud of you for getting the dental work done! That's not an easy thing to do but it is great self care. Well done!

As anticipated, my Mom isn't thrilled about me getting a tattoo, but she didn't chew me out or anything. I didn't speak to my Dad but I know he will be okay with it. I really wanted to get it done before my birthday but it is going to happen after. My goal in Aftercare last night was to have this conversation with my parents. I hope it counts that I started the conversation on text message and then followed up with a phone call! The therapist didn't know what the conversation was going to be about but he was like very much encouraging me to talk to my folks.

I had signs of depersonalization two nights ago, I went to concentrate for 1-2 hours (Searching about Russian nootropics) - After that, I started to get derealization...

I told my mom and she understood, asked me if I took anything (Microdose, alcohol?) I said no.. I did drink a shot of rum earlier that afternoon but nothing else.. I was wondering if it was the 1g of vitamin C (I took it because of a type of COVID brain fog/tiredness that I've never experienced before..). I thought of my head being non-existent and just my spine existing, receiving radio signals - That's what it felt like.

I told her to just pretend that I'm fine.. I started staring at my things.. I would say "You're fine".. and I'd have to correct myself and say "Stop talking in 3rd person.. I'M fine!!".. and the thoughts drag on forever, "What is "I", what is "you""... I noticed that I wouldn't just be standing up, freaking out about what I'm doing, staring at things if I was fine..

Eventually it faded away once I started to lie down/rest... + zopiclone, I fell asleep and went to work. It was a good day at work - I did some extra things and stayed a little longer.. When I was going to leave, my boss gave me a hug and she said "Best worker ever!" - They're grateful to have me working there I guess... + The OCD symptoms/perfectionism makes me a good worker..

I'm writing things down for when I see my doctor on Monday and my psychiatrist in July.. I only took one 15mg Dexedrine - It's hard not to take two but that just depletes my dopamine (And is probably what would cause more dissociation in the future if I continued). I'll ask my doctor about taking two 10mg..

I want to ask my doctor as well about vitamin D deficiency (I always take 1000 IU every morning - But some people take like 10-20k IU) - And that it can help with DP/DR.

Desoxyn you are so smart! I absolutely adore you! I wish I had half as much intelligence as you! Hug my friend.

Oh my goodness. Still like 50 minutes left of work. Can't wait for it to be the weekend. TGIF!

I don't know why I am always the one to take out the restroom trash at work. I know SOMEONE has to do it, but it is a shared space. It should be a shared responsibility. But it isn't. It's like everyone else walks by it blindly while the paper towels start to pile up on the floor around the trash can.

Oh well. I will do my bit to keep the workplace a little tidier. Plus it will kill five minutes. I guess if it only takes five minutes out of my day I really should not grumble and complain about it! Just sometimes I am annoyed that no one else can like ever think about changing the bin.