Roll Call 194

On the bus headed to the grocery store

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Got everything on my list. Now waiting for the bus to head home

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Hi friends. The dentist appointment went well. I got x-rays, both the regular kind and the panoramic kind, an exam, the dentist removed the bone spur that was hurting in my gum, and then I got a cleaning. $255. Not too bad. My gum is still sore but at least he was able to remove the stray random bone. He was like, that's weird. Yup, that's me!

I have therapy tonight. I have stuff to talk about but I kind of don't. We will see how this goes.

It's Taco Tuesday! I am buying tacos for me and a coworker today!

Did some cleaning, now to just find something to do until my therapy appointment at 3:30

It’s only 10am, I got up at 5am

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Are you anxious about your therapy appointment Blue_Bird?

I got up at 3:30 AM. My mouth was hurting and I had cramps. Bleh.

Crap. It is only like 730 AM and I am already taking anxiety medication!

Not really, I have some good stuff to tell her. I get to tell her that I put in the job application, tell her about Stash's surgery, and about my dentist appointments, so I'm kind of looking forward to it

I hope your appointment goes well

Stash likes to make an appearance during my appointments (they're on video chat) she gets up on the table and tries to walk across my laptop lol

Awe, cutie! My cat Helen rarely makes an appearance during my session but my T often shows me her pets!

Feeling like I am unraveling a bit. I have things to look forward to in the next few days so I am trying to hold it together. But at the same time, I feel like I am falling apart spectacularly.

Stupid negative symptoms.

Ooops, my appointment is at 3pm not 3:30, good thing I realized before it.

I'm so tired, I slept 4 hours last night. I can barely keep my eyes open and am getting really anxious. I want to have my appointment over with so I can take a nap

I can't seem to function under 10 hours of sleep. I mean I can do stuff, I get things done, exercise, errands, etc but I feel horrible halfway through the day from not sleeping enough. I've been making myself get up at 5am everyday but that is starting to seem like not enough sleep. But I want more time in the day to do things and get things done. I almost never want to sleep, I hate going to sleep because it puts everything on pause

And I also don't like dreaming. It's not that I have horrible dreams. I just don't exactly like being in a dream world where I think things are real and real life and then waking up

I start off the day at like 100% then by afternoon I'm like at 20% function

I function better with about 10 hours of sleep too Blue_Bird though I usually get 8 maybe 8.5. On the weekends I get 10-12 usually.

I don't know if I am having negative symptoms of Schizoaffective disorder or if I am having symptoms of depression, since they kind of overlap, or if I am having both. I want to go home and sleep but I feel like I have a responsibility to be at work. At least we have Monday off for Independence day so I feel like I will get a little break with the three day weekend. I don't know. Maybe I need to go to the hospital again. I don't feel suicidal but I am having a lot of difficulty with how I am feeling. Maybe my therapist can help me tonight. I don't know if I will be able to adequately explain how I feel. Tomorrow is my birthday. I don't want to feel this crappy tomorrow.

My therapist never showed up for my video appointment, so I have no clue what happened, I waited for 25 minutes then turned the video chat off because it seemed like she wasn't getting on

Sorry about your therapist, Blue_Bird! That sucks. I hope she can reschedule soon!

I felt like I was tripping last night from too much alcohol, energy drink and trying to skip the olanzepine. DP/DR, tears pouring down my face (And I wasn't crying). I Googled a lot of weird stuff (Such as, "I'm beyond this reality" and "I can't do this anymore"), had bad intrusive OCD thoughts.

I use magical thinking to play mind tricks on myself such as, "If my cat jumps off the bed, I'm going to die tonight" - and my cat did.. So I said, "If this next heart beat doesn't stop, I won't die tonight" - And so I get myself out of it.

I had intrusive thoughts about harming my cat (Which I would never do).. But also like.. Being attacked by my thoughts philosophically.. Isolation.. - That's the problem. I wonder about what people are doing - And I'm just alone in my room and I don't want to live this life anymore. Yet I have a desire to be self-destructive. I was in the bathroom, screaming at myself in the mirror, saying "WTF is all of this", swinging my arms in the air, laughing.

The feeling of every single one of my thoughts being broadcasted inter dimensionally, to the CIA or gang stalkers, being watched.

But I'm OK now.. This stuff happens often enough that I just accept it. A lot of the thoughts I have are mystical but the alcohol can drain my serotonin (OCD, DP/DR) and then my dopamine (Mild psychosis) so I'm less aware and feel good at first - And then tuned out, feeling bad.

So that's how my night went ^-;

I'm doing so good but I mess it up - I have all the right meds, good job, live in a great place, things to look forward to, freedom, ability to relax.. So I can't mess it up anymore.. I just have bad memories of the past and they haunt me every second of every day.

I don't feel like making an appointment with my therapist right now - It seems like too much work. I think she judges me - Like I think about with everyone in my life.