Roll Call 194

I felt like I was tripping last night from too much alcohol, energy drink and trying to skip the olanzepine. DP/DR, tears pouring down my face (And I wasn't crying). I Googled a lot of weird stuff (Such as, "I'm beyond this reality" and "I can't do this anymore"), had bad intrusive OCD thoughts.

I use magical thinking to play mind tricks on myself such as, "If my cat jumps off the bed, I'm going to die tonight" - and my cat did.. So I said, "If this next heart beat doesn't stop, I won't die tonight" - And so I get myself out of it.

I had intrusive thoughts about harming my cat (Which I would never do).. But also like.. Being attacked by my thoughts philosophically.. Isolation.. - That's the problem. I wonder about what people are doing - And I'm just alone in my room and I don't want to live this life anymore. Yet I have a desire to be self-destructive. I was in the bathroom, screaming at myself in the mirror, saying "WTF is all of this", swinging my arms in the air, laughing.

The feeling of every single one of my thoughts being broadcasted inter dimensionally, to the CIA or gang stalkers, being watched.

But I'm OK now.. This stuff happens often enough that I just accept it. A lot of the thoughts I have are mystical but the alcohol can drain my serotonin (OCD, DP/DR) and then my dopamine (Mild psychosis) so I'm less aware and feel good at first - And then tuned out, feeling bad.

So that's how my night went ^-;

I'm doing so good but I mess it up - I have all the right meds, good job, live in a great place, things to look forward to, freedom, ability to relax.. So I can't mess it up anymore.. I just have bad memories of the past and they haunt me every second of every day.

I don't feel like making an appointment with my therapist right now - It seems like too much work. I think she judges me - Like I think about with everyone in my life.

What you’re describing is all psychosis, that’s why olanzapine helps. Next time take a prn or consider adding it full time. I never realized this is what you meant by DP/DR. To me DP/DR is just a daydream state where you don’t feel connected to the world or your body. You might need more AP in contrast to what I thought before.

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What if I have to live like this forever and never get better? I can't tell if I am in a low place or this is reality. I used to be a person. Now I am just a robot or a zombie. My thoughts get eaten up. I have no life in me.

I can't seem to function under 10 hours of sleep. I mean I can do stuff, I get things done, exercise, errands, etc but I feel horrible halfway through the day from not sleeping enough. I've been making myself get up at 5am everyday but that is starting to seem like not enough sleep. But I want more time in the day to do things and get things done. I almost never want to sleep, I hate going to sleep because it puts everything on pause

And I also don't like dreaming. It's not that I have horrible dreams. I just don't exactly like being in a dream world where I think things are real and real life and then waking up

I start off the day at like 100% then by afternoon I'm like at 20% function

This thought eating sounds like psychosis to me, do you have a prn AP for times like this?

Yeah, but it's Lybalvi and I hate it because it is too sedating. If I take it, I will end up sleeping for at least 12 hours and I am supposed to have T tonight. When I see my pdoc in late August I am going to see if I can go back to Olanzapine. He took me off of it because of weight gain but Lybalvi sucks the life out of me and I can't function with it. I can't drive with it. I can't work with it. Nothing. It's too much. But I did forget to tell the pdoc that I cut the olanzapine in half and usually only take half so he thinks it is the same dose.

I want to be a mystic, swimming. Then I don't have to be a psychotic, drowning.

The shamanism actually helped me after I gained control of my reality. The key is following rules rather than your own ideas. So for example needing a drumbeat, etc, it trains your brain to go in and out of the spiritual realms on cue instead of slipping into it.

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SP, I saw this on the Lego website and I thought of you!

Sunflowers 40524 | Other | Buy online at the Official LEGO(R) Shop US

Here, how's this?