Roll Call 194

Retail therapy is always good.

I'm going through a really weird crappy time. I fell down on my tail bone and I've been in excruciating pain for 3 weeks, like I had a few years ago when I still had tizanidine. But now it's actually getting better.

They would not allow me to talk to the nurse supervisor, which I was begging for because I needed additional pain meds which I never got.

I have COVID (again?) and I've been in individual quarantine for 10 days. I'm praying I'll get to go back to my regular room. I'm having one of those asymptomatic cases where I feel perfectly normal (for me).

I don't know what it's about but I have a serious guardian angel and s/he has been protecting me all my life. I have a miniscule ridiculous life so I don't understand.

My mom is getting worse by the day, and sometimes I can cry but the major tranquilizer impedes this to a great degree. Oh, fun, my meds just came. She didn't bring the Motrin. I'm dying for my treats, coke and vape. Don't know if I can make it on foot when I'm finally back in my room.

Feeling all kinds of loss and sadness. No wonder I don't breathe deeply. I have nothing of my own in here and I want to hang it up.

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I can't call my mother. My cell phone won't connect right to where she is at.

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This isn't even all my afflictions - something really bad has been going on for several months now but I can't talk about it.

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I'm sorry for everything you're going through Angelique, we're here for you

I got a surprise $84 refund today because I apparently accidentally submitted an extra payment a month or so ago to my college that was over what I owed them, because what I owed at the time was $0 but my account still said I owed $84 due to some error, anyway, I got the money back and was totally not expecting or aware of it till today. So that was a very nice surprise!

I feel so good - Good hike to the top of a mountain, listening to Alan Watts. I smoked a little weed and meditated by the rivers. Very sunny day.

You must say yes to the universe, and very good things happen.

Don't say no to it... Because it is you =/

Sorry Angelica.. You don't deserve what's happening. I hope it gets better.

Edit: Well christ no one does

Cutting back on the caffeine over the next few weeks till I'm down to just decaf, then I'm not having caffeineted coffee anymore, just decaf (I know it has a tiny amount of caffeine in it, but you know one or two cups of decaf will be a significant improvment over 3-5 full caff coffees a day)

I feel like that and mindfulness, meditation, and thought restructuring/changing negative thoughts, thankfulness, and working on my self esteem and body image issues will help a lot

I've been using meditation and mindfulness every day the past week and it has already helped quite a bit. I'm able to focus a little better, like I was able to watch a movie today with only one break/intermission, I paused it like halfway through because I got distracted but after a half hour passed I put it back on and watched the rest of it, it was a 2 hour movie.

Also feeling less attached to things and life in general has helped

Challenging my thoughts helps when I start thinking things like people are talking about me, laughing at me, sending messages psychically to eachother about me, etc

My cats are very sweet. Maybelle is so snuggly and Stash is always coming up to me and raising her head up to me so I can give her a kiss on her forehead

Anyway I plan on trying to make blueberry banana bread later in the month

I'm working really hard to challenge any weird or negative thoughts I have. I've given into them over the past few years that they've kind of cemented in my brain and I'm trying to reverse that

You're doing good BB! Keep it up =] Bad days do come sometimes (Definitely with manic-depression!) but never lose hope..

I am quitting therapy all in all. It just doesn't help.

Also, I know this is basically all I talk about. Ha. Anyway, hope everyone is doing well today.

I need to get some folders so I can organize my paperwork. Like I have two drawers stuffed full of various important paperwork all mixed up. I need to put one folder for the cats medical records, one folder for social security related stuff, one folder for any of my own medical paperwork, and one for apartment related paperwork. Finally organize it all.

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I hope you figure out something that works for you

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I bought a bunch of manila (spelling?) folders a while back and it has really helped in terms of organizing the papers in my room since I print out a lot of stuff. It's definitely a smart idea.

WA, yeah folders can be very helpful! I don't know why I didn't think of that before

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I am enjoying learning about sharks on the shark week podcast I've been listening to. It's hosted by a marine biologist that studies and dives with sharks.

It makes me concerned about the ocean because of all the pollution and overfishing.

I've been concerned about the environment in general it just seems like there's so much waste and so much plastic. I want to get some eco friendly reusable produce bags (like you know those flimsy plastic bags they have at every produce station in the grocery stores, they're bad for the environment.) Or maybe I could just not use produce bags at all and just put them in my cart, it's not like those little things are protecting them anyway, they'd be fine just by themselves in my reusable big grocery bags with the rest of my groceries.

I feel like if I can try to use less products that are unnecessary and use eco friendly products when necessary that would be good. I'm probably not making a huge difference but maybe it would make a tiny difference.

I just don't want to look back and feel like I've made or horrifically bad impact on the earth at the end of my life, because it's so uncertain how things will be for future generations and stuff due to climate change and whatnot

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I feel really damn good today

Been enjoying the morning drinking decaf coffee w/ oat milk and listening to music

Tomorrow I'm going to my friends house. We're gonna play the digimon trading card game, should be fun. He bought me a digimon TCG playmat, it's like big rubber pad/mat to play the card game on, it has a nice picture of digimon and the characters from the anime printed on it. That was a surprise and very nice of him. Going to bring some snacks so I don't get super hungry while I'm gone cause I'll probably be gone 4-5 hours. I think I'm just a little more sensitive to blood sugar changes due to the APs I'm on even though I'm not diabetic or prediabetic. So I have to make sure I have food of some sort with my when I'm out for more than 2 hours because otherwise I get very shaky and nauseous

I have 2 dentist appointments later in the month. One is to get the last fillings and the other is to finish the root canal they started.

Oh yeah I'm sauteing some mushrooms, yellow squash and onion today. I haven't done that in over a year. I developed a fear of using my stovetop for some reason. Anyway, I'm going to see how it goes. I just use a small bit of olive oil to do it. And then put a little salt on it. It's really simple but really good.

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