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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 07:14 PM
  #41
My time management is terrible

But better than before (I do 10x more in one day that I did in one month, years ago).

I just have to be patient, humble. I should meditate... I do a lot of open-awareness meditation... I just wish that, if I want to DO something, that I actually DO IT.

And a sense of unhappiness comes.. I'm grateful for all I have - I'm just too aware of the wider scope of things. And I hate being this way. I'm still young (+ a large time gap of sleeping, dealing with mental health and hedonia).

But I will try... And even for everyone, nothing is going to last.. NOTHING. We all die.. So the moment has to be enjoyed, to be mindful of. I still just can't wrap my head around it.

Everything will be taken away, ripped away, and sucked into a black hole. With acceptance, we find peace .. And all of the stuff I read about psychology/life, people make blogs and such - It's just a lot to make sense of. A lot, to organize in my mind.
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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 08:35 PM
  #42
Music sounds good, so I listen to that.. I search up about "Music appreciation" - Because I remember with my dad, listening to the radio (Some of my best times past few years - We like spending time together, even though it's rare), the broadcaster said "Music sounds maybe.. 2-2.5 better today".. My dad was like "What must he be on?!".

But yeah.. I realize how much stuff I don't know.. and I just want to be interested in things, in a reality that I can get lost in. Cuz I have infinity to go (As far as I know).

But I have to do it in my own way.. A sort of secret would be, just doing what is natural/myself.. I never considered myself as a "psychonaut", but reading the wiki - all of the effects... Hallucinations, altered states, lucid dreams. Schiz, yeah... I always was curious though. I'm not AFRAID. I'm not afraid.

PsychonautWiki

And I told job that I'm interested in philosophy... There's just so much to learn - I feel like I have time for nothing - Videos ready to play (Alex Jones for one.. People judge me, but I gotta find out things for myself), investigating all things, putting it together.. @WA... So just reading this;

Philosophy - Wikipedia - I started by watching a crash course but I can sit through videos and take notes (Concentration issues - Which I plan to do meditation for.. One day at a time) but just lists of things.. anything.. , I can go deeper into with what I find interesting..

If things are new, that's good.. I get to enjoy myself - Some things = Refreshing my memory (Cuz I SCAN everything.. I rarely search deep into things... But I made a section in my notes about "1 hour research notes" - Which happens rarely). I have to be positive and not let people get me down for avoiding learning in the beginning, being crushed by the weight of life/catholic school/abusive ex step dad/isolation, etc... and... Not get judged by people that don't understand.

I told my mom that I read that book about drug decriminalization (Cuz starting Jan 2023, everything near here is decriminalized - Like Portugal..), showed her a video of the streets - She said during 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, they had to drive the PM around the tents and such).. People have have empathy for = Addicts, homeless, mentally ill, etc.. I told her about the legalization book too (By a neuropsychpharmacologist - He's now a member of MAPS - The organization that funds research for psychedelics in treating mental illness)...

So things come can come together if I try (In the right conditions)... "RAW Spirituality" is one YT channel I found that really helps with my situation..

RAW Spirituality - YouTube

Spiritual.. But honesty about it too.. I know my mom would have felt much better if I was diagnosed with autism (Easily could have happened) but with schiz, at least it can be treated... I think I'm okay - A little paranoia is good for anyone (A few % or so).. I'll lower the Invega Trinza again when I see my psychiatrist in a few weeks. Just got to keep trying (This will be the 3rd time).

I felt really aggressive and out of control today but extra phenibut calmed me down a little - I was also bored at work and had no mental energy, having suicidal thoughts.. But I'll try to put more effort tomorrow. I've had heart OCD two nights in a row/palpitations (From Berberine? I should just ask my psychiatrist for metformin and see if I don't get that side effect + It's more effective) - I DO have time for learning about fasting.. But whatever give me MORE time, to boost quality of life..

I was gonna hike with my mom last night (During the full moon) but she was too tired (I wish she didn't have to work so much.. It's saddening.. I want to be able to make enough money to retire my parents.. But they're gonna die in ~5-10 years... I have a friend that says if he worried, it would drive him "insane" - But I DO think about these things.. Constant healthy anxiety, to protect me .. because it's not irrational.. It's normal) - But we took some pictures of the moon.. I said to my mom "I want to feel the magic of life" (Cuz I think antipsychotics can take that away).. If anyone has any insight about that, let me know...

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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 08:44 PM
  #43
Reality is absurd too though
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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 09:07 PM
  #44
More lately I stop and feel sorry for myself.

I have questionable mental health. I struggle. I can’t have gluten. I can’t have alcohol. I can’t have weed. I can’t have a lot of fatty foods lately. I had that lymphoma scare this year. My thyroid hates me. My liver hates me. I keep hurting my ankle so my ankle hates me. I need really to lose weight.There’s a pandemic still. I have no motivation to do things I once loved.

I know some people have it worse. But this isn’t the miserable Olympics who has it worst. I just feel bad about myself and need to vent.

I wish I could just have a nice cocktail and fries right now and relax but I can’t even do that.

I also feel like falling into my eating disorder again.

I hate it.

I’m trying to think positive. I’m having good stuff tomorrow. It’ll be good. I’ll make good. Do good. Hopefully I can start my day out bright. Maybe exercise.

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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 09:55 PM
  #45
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Originally Posted by cogladaid View Post
More lately I stop and feel sorry for myself.

I have questionable mental health. I struggle. I can’t have gluten. I can’t have alcohol. I can’t have weed. I can’t have a lot of fatty foods lately. I had that lymphoma scare this year. My thyroid hates me. My liver hates me. I keep hurting my ankle so my ankle hates me. I need really to lose weight.There’s a pandemic still. I have no motivation to do things I once loved.

I know some people have it worse. But this isn’t the miserable Olympics who has it worst. I just feel bad about myself and need to vent.

I wish I could just have a nice cocktail and fries right now and relax but I can’t even do that.

I also feel like falling into my eating disorder again.

I hate it.

I’m trying to think positive. I’m having good stuff tomorrow. It’ll be good. I’ll make good. Do good. Hopefully I can start my day out bright. Maybe exercise.

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You have the right mindset - I am to be positive too..

It's like being an athlete and then discovering you have a heart condition. Like.. I've heard of someone wanting to do cocaine again after installing a pacemaker..

Self control, self love/compassion - You've been struggling a lot and I hope it gets better.

Hypomania.. It's fun - But suffering, maintaining a good recovery/down time is difficult - But very worth it.

You have a good focus/autism/math-science mind and treading through the boring stuff is hard when there's no fun time.. But it'll get better - Eventually, you can do all of the good dopamine things, wait a bit.. And we'll all be very be happy when that time arrives for you..
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Default Aug 12, 2022 at 11:50 PM
  #46
I'm having depressive reality dysmorphia. And dysphoria.

I just try to have 2-3 days in a row where I can feel pretty good (To recover from bad suicidal thoughts), but it's just hit after hit of let down. Again and again.

I'm about to throw in the towel lol

The worst part is I know I'd be then, realistic.

Possible trigger:
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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 11:42 AM
  #47
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Originally Posted by cogladaid View Post
More lately I stop and feel sorry for myself.

I have questionable mental health. I struggle. I can’t have gluten. I can’t have alcohol. I can’t have weed. I can’t have a lot of fatty foods lately. I had that lymphoma scare this year. My thyroid hates me. My liver hates me. I keep hurting my ankle so my ankle hates me. I need really to lose weight.There’s a pandemic still. I have no motivation to do things I once loved.

I know some people have it worse. But this isn’t the miserable Olympics who has it worst. I just feel bad about myself and need to vent.

I wish I could just have a nice cocktail and fries right now and relax but I can’t even do that.

I also feel like falling into my eating disorder again.

I hate it.

I’m trying to think positive. I’m having good stuff tomorrow. It’ll be good. I’ll make good. Do good. Hopefully I can start my day out bright. Maybe exercise.

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Do you have therapy cog….it might help because you’re sounding possibly depressed.

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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 11:44 AM
  #48
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Originally Posted by cogladaid View Post
More lately I stop and feel sorry for myself.

I have questionable mental health. I struggle. I can’t have gluten. I can’t have alcohol. I can’t have weed. I can’t have a lot of fatty foods lately. I had that lymphoma scare this year. My thyroid hates me. My liver hates me. I keep hurting my ankle so my ankle hates me. I need really to lose weight.There’s a pandemic still. I have no motivation to do things I once loved.

I know some people have it worse. But this isn’t the miserable Olympics who has it worst. I just feel bad about myself and need to vent.

I wish I could just have a nice cocktail and fries right now and relax but I can’t even do that.

I also feel like falling into my eating disorder again.

I hate it.

I’m trying to think positive. I’m having good stuff tomorrow. It’ll be good. I’ll make good. Do good. Hopefully I can start my day out bright. Maybe exercise.

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You do sound depressed, but it's ok to vent. I would be very upset if I couldn't have gluten. It seems to be in most foods unless you do all your own cooking (and I don't).
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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 01:48 PM
  #49
I’m feeling better today. My mom and I are spending the day cooking making Korean food. Went to one Korean market yesterday and one today. My mom made some Korean potato side dishes to go with the side dishes we bought. I made spicy rice cakes for lunch. And then for dinner we’re making gluten free steamed pork dumplings. Going to eat them with rice and all our Korean side dishes (squid, seaweed salad, the potatoes we made, kimchi, and spicy radish).

Keeps my mind off things. Eating good food makes me feel good. Not everything is about what I can’t eat or drink.

Like being gluten free can be hard especially if you don’t cook. I’m pretty lazy and don’t cook much but my mom is a great cook. We’ve learned over the last five years recipes and what’s gluten free and what’s not. Like a lot of Asian food can easily be made gluten free by finding sauces that don’t have gluten. Luckily the stores we shop at have a lot of gluten free sauces.

I’m not going to think about things I can’t have like grapefruit (damn Latuda) or udon noodles. Think of the good.

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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 02:30 PM
  #50
I took a Mexican modafinil. I'll see what it does (I don't recommend).

I tried stopping the olanzepine last night - But woke up in the middle of the night, feeling super spacey, so I had to take it. Maybe it really does increase dopamine in the frontal lobe.. Had a bit of depersonalization before falling asleep too. It sucks.
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Default Aug 13, 2022 at 08:42 PM
  #51
High blood pressure. Took a .25 clonazepam.

No good. I won't be doing that again.
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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 03:38 AM
  #52
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High blood pressure. Took a .25 clonazepam.

No good. I won't be doing that again.
Yeah I was gonna say... Modafinil can cause high blood pressure... I guess it depends on the dose... For me, at least, it does.

Anyway, this morning (if you can call it morning), I am awake, of course, lucid.

I ran a half-marathon yesterday. Super, ridiculously sore from it but I'm proud of myself for finishing it.

I have just been working on feeling better about my life. It's really hard certain days. Even yesterday I was writing about how depressed I felt despite my accomplishments and stuff. But that's fine. Not everyone feels great every day. I also have trouble socializing sometimes. But I have to remember not everyone is amazing at socializing either.

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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 06:03 AM
  #53
Just published a blog under a pseudonym. Ha. Not going to share.

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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 09:49 AM
  #54
I’ve been thinking so much about my weight and food and it’s going in circles in my head I feel myself falling into bad habits.

At least I’m not drinking alcohol and consuming all those extra calories is one thought I’m having.

I won’t say anymore because I don’t want to trigger anyone else.

My brain is a mess.

Everyone tells me I need to lose weight for my health. I know I have to but it just brings up so much bad thinking.

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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 12:06 PM
  #55
Sorry you're struggling cogladaid, it's hard to manage losing weight when you have an eating disorder history. I'm trying to do the same thing right now. Hard to balance healthy eating without taking things too far and getting obsessed. I also need to lose some weight, I've steadily gained over the past year or so. I eat because it makes me happy too, helps temporarily relieve anxiety, and the antipsychotics etc make it worse due to increasing your appetite

It's good you cut out alcohol though, I used to drink soda, and quite a bit of it(I know it's different, but still a lot of calories too) and when I cut that out many years ago, over time I lost a lot of weight in a healthy way. It takes some time to see progress though physically. Cutting out liquid calories can really make a big difference

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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 12:15 PM
  #56
I had a good day yesterday, spent a few hours at my friend's house. We played a few rounds of the digimon trading card game, watched some of the digimon anime, and played some of the new videogame Digimon Survive. I had a lot of fun. He got me a digimon playmat which was very nice of him, I'll post a picture in a minute, it's really pretty, it kind of like a giant mousepad material, has pictures of a bunch of the Digimon characters and has the outlines for where you set up the card game.

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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 12:18 PM
  #57
Here it is
Attached Images
File Type: jpg 37C81A03-83CE-4635-BEFD-EAEF437677A2.jpg (343.5 KB, 12 views)

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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 06:35 PM
  #58
Do not be scared, anxious friends. Or terrified, schiz friends.

Face the fear, and find peace.
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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 06:50 PM
  #59
I feel ridiculously tired today. Not sure why. I just feel out of it. And it seems like depression to me. But I soldier on.

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Default Aug 14, 2022 at 06:51 PM
  #60
I just wanna go home and not have social engagements for like 9 years.

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