Roll Call 195

I don't want to be saved

Does that make me a bad person? Am I even making any sense?

I need help

I tried posting something in r/depression but it got moderated. FML.

Just saw this, I posted for you on snap if you want to talk there?

Got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Plus did some more cleaning. Will do the weights and squats a little later. It's been another productive day. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment to get my root canal finished.

Trigger below is for mentioning weight loss, it's healthy weight loss but just in case I added a trigger

Woke up feeling bad.

But it ok - I'm not as thought disordered as last night. Took meds, I continue..

And I'm going on a hike too. My mom quit drinking for 2 weeks (To be a good example) and is making carrot juice.

I am doing better today. I am back on my normal meds. Gotta figure out ways not to throw out meds again. I think I have it under control though.

I am getting sick of social media though. (I don't consider this website social media though).

Something positive I have going on is that I am teaching a new student again. And my other student I have is restarting classes with me. So that's good.

Did you give your med bottles to your parents yet?

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Have some brownies baking in the oven because I clearly have no self control

Yum. They sound delicious though!

Dad and I had fudge brownies at the Rams/Chargers game. They were good but we needed milk! Lol

I get to leave work in 20 minutes. Woo-Hoo!

I'm stupid tired but I need to clean my closet. Yuck.

Awesome Yeah milk goes good with brownies, I like coffee with them too, especially black unsweetened coffee, the bitterness of it goes well with super sweet fudge brownies. It's a good combo

I hope you're doing well

Yeah I left them at my parents' house just so there's literally a physical boundary between me and getting the meds. It should work. I didn't precisely give them to my parents, but I believe having to drive over there to get the meds is a major deterrent of throwing them away again. I think it will permit me not to throw them out again. I know I definitely cannot do that again. I also asked my psychiatrist about injections, but he hasn't gotten back to me about it.

Feelz good. Did the hike, + 1g of phenibut. Swallowed dex spansules. I'll be okay.

I want to do a lot of research about things.. I want to be in flow.. useful to myself.. Find interesting things.. and thoughts..

I wonder if the Semax is working (Increases BDNF for neuroplasticity) - The psilocybin yesterday should have helped too + Exercise - and I've been intermittent fasting for 1-2 weeks.

Should be good. Yesterday, I was horribly suicidal. I do... feel deep down, a depression.. But I'll keep trying..

Does anyone else, when they reach out to people to hang out or do other things, get crippling anxiety that makes them want to self-sabotage? I literally just got a healthy dose of that after reaching out to two people I haven't talked to in a while.

Yeah I did that a lot. I'm trying to stick to my commitments now though, unless I have a serious reason not to. So if I make plans with people I do my best not to cancel. And if I sign up for something like volunteering I'm making myself go, whether I'm anxious or not. The more I do things like this the easier it will get The Best thing that helps me is to try not to overthink things too much I think self sabotaging can start to become a habit the more you do it the more likely you are to keep doing it and it's hard to break that cycle.

I used to make plans all the time and constantly cancel them due to anxiety or whatever. But I've gotten better recently

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I have a really good friend (That I met when I first moved to this hippie town) - My mom was like (With me), "He's really intelligent" - and I thought, with all of the stuff this friend says.. (Hollow earth theory, the Earth being in the same position of the Milky Way Galaxy as when the dinosaurs were killed, etc)..

"He's crazy"... But the more I was reading his ideas on FB (He smokes a lot of weed - A LOT), seems really intelligent.. and.. likely schizotypal or something.

He worked at the gas station - And whenever I was dealing with bad mental states (From all of the parties in the AM's at the house - Which was a pretty cool time now that I think back..), I would walk to get a coke or something, and we'd talk crazy ideas.. "A storm is coming" he said.. And then the pandemic happened.. "God doesn't give you anything more than you can't handle" (Christian background).

When we first met, he said "Do you like shrooms?" - It's too funny.. while I was still integrating the bad trip.. And still, I am.. I said that I wanted to eventually write songs.. And he introduced me to another friend, and we were playing guitar (Me, learning really fast..) - But all of that fun ended after 2018.

It was an experience, to hang out with people, etc.. I reached out a few months ago to go hiking in the summer.. But I'm going on an epic hike on Tuesday with my mom - I'm more like my dad.. Very chill (My mom is anxious as all hell... and controlling).. Things will be good one day I'm sure.. I regret blocking the friend that was teaching me guitar (He was asking for money, asking to call taxis for him.. I had enough) - But I regret burning bridges.

I have a few online friends lately (Some of my research chemical friends from 6-7 years ago, you guys, and a few others..) - One friend (Autist, biggest online drug dealer in my country - He told me everything about his business, talking anonymously for 3-4 years.. and then disconnected..). It's crazy the people that I meet..

One friend also has AVOIDANT personality disorder - And has helped me a LOT. You just have to try and break habits of avoiding/self sabotaging.. I could tell you what I was gonna write to BB - It's really dark.. My life and what happened with avoiding people all of my life.. And the MIND, it deteriorates..

There was never fire in my eyes. Only darkness. But most times, a faint glow..