Roll Call 195

Hang in there kit. We got u.

"hallucinations/paranoia/irritation/agitation/delusions" - These suck.. Meds might need to be adjusted for a bit but it'll get better

Thanks Desoxyn. You friends on here are the best!

I want 2 have a worth living life and never be suicidal again. And I will try my best. It's a good goal. My only goal..

Honestly, things are going good. I can jump through any dimension and still have intact senses.

The 2 day/50km hike has made me feel pretty good, and potentiated the stimulant. Very deep, not too long sleep.. and wakefulness.

+ I'm very productive (Compared to how I was).. it's good. Have come a long way. You guys have too.. and so.. I've been screwed big time/mentally handicapped. Don't give up/lose hope.

I want to feel the childlike energies again too.. It was a different state of mind/energy every single day - And the sense of wonder, confusion - It was all good.

I complain a lot about ages 12-20.. But from 0-12, I had a really good childhood (Except during school - Teachers were too strict for me.. boring, repetitive, nonsense).

I think my parents and the rest of my family.. they still have the energy - And I guess, they think about life back then.. and I don't.. I think about what happens NOW, or LATELY.. past few years. Relentless hopelessness. And I have to look at the big picture.

It's like a dream, looking back. Intelligence comes from that place too.. The world can crush a persons soul, leaving them dead, paralyzed/anxiety or afraid, depressive, cold, mean, reactive, etc...

I’m growing out my goatee. Wanted a little facial hair so that’s what I’m doing.

I've been at work 3 hours. I'm bored. 6 hours to go.

Hi all, I've been doing okay. Saw my pdoc yesterday and he said I could go down on olanzapine. I'm kinda nervous about it but since I've gained weight on it I agree with the change. I know nothing's perfect. I guess I think it's best to go down on it too.

I've just been using the skills I know how to use to get through this period of time in my life.

Anyway, I am teaching a class later. Just one hour.

i am still alive.

somehow

everything fell apart three years ago. i withdrew from the world completely. i didn't recognize myself anymore. a lot of **** went down. i looked at stuff i wrote in like... late 2019, 2020... it's all incoherent, word salad... and what little i could make sense of ... was floridly psychotic ... i barely remember anything from 2020 though or 2021 because

things got so bad that i needed ect. yes, electroconvulsive therapy. i did i don't remember but i remember it being a lot of rounds of bilateral (electricity goes through both sides of your brain). did it work? yes, in a way meds never worked for me. things have been better for me overall but i basically have zero memory of 2020 and 2021 which is honestly for the best.

i have permanent eps side effects from all the antipsychotics that have been shoved down my throat since i was 14. (i'm 31 now, unbelievable i've made it for this many years... i've had schizophrenia for over half of my life... how am i still here? i guess i'll never know.) i'm taking a new medication for those eps side effects, can't remember the name of it now. sorry.

i realized yesterday though that i'm not as stable as i thought. i never am.

lack of insight is a ***** that i have had to accept along with the schiz itself.

i doubt anyone remembers me. but i wanted to say hello.

I remember you! It's good to see you, I am sorry for everything you've been going through

Hi, just wanted to say I've had ECT as well, and it sucks but it has helped me longer-term. I think at least. Sorry you've had such a rough time lately.

I remember you AD…sorry you’ve been through so much but hopefully the worst is over….

AD! I remember you well =]

But damn.. I'm sorry about what happened. I remember last, talking to you at the end of 2019. You helped me with a few things on Roll Call, and then you disappeared (For better or for worse I thought).

So much stuff happened but all drama. It's amazing that the ECT helped (Although definitely, people lose memory).

I feel super mentally stable. No "mental pain" for a few days. It's the longest I've gone without it in a really long time.

I want 2 study some philosophy.. spirituality (Possibly) and instead of making my own ideas, learn from others.. Cuz everything is basically already thought out by someone.. Idk

And my cognition is back. I'm gonna stay away from weed for a long time. I think it traumatized me somewhat.

And.. I'm still running.. away from my DP/DR - I can't believe that it still can happen. It's absolute misery in the fact that it exists for me at all. The heart OCD too - Cuz last night, my heart just dies when I start to fall asleep. Had to take a clonazepam. If it happens tonight, I'll feel really hopeless and defeated.

Do you think all of the exercise gave your brain a reset?

Lol I'm 110% sure it did - But NO ONE that isn't a super athlete would ever consider exercising that much. I didn't even realize what I was getting myself into.. Every corner, there was another corner 500+ times. I pushed myself so hard, ~5-6x beyond what I thought I could.

If I turned back, it would take the same amount of time. And I didn't know where I was going.. "Is it around the corner of THAT mountain?" - "Idk" my moms friend said.. And it just kept going and going and going.

"Exercise is known to have numerous neuroprotective and cognitive benefits, especially pertaining to memory and learning related processes. One potential link connecting them is exercise-mediated hippocampal neurogenesis, in which new neurons are generated and incorporated into hippocampal circuits. The present review synthesizes the extant literature detailing the relationship between exercise and hippocampal neurogenesis, and identifies a key molecule mediating this process, brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF). As a member of the neurotrophin family, BDNF regulates many of the processes within neurogenesis, such as differentiation and survival. Although much more is known about the direct role that exercise and BDNF have on hippocampal neurogenesis in rodents, their corresponding cognitive benefits in humans will also be discussed."

I'm so very glad it is Friday. I am in need of some rest and relaxation!

About an hour and 8 minutes until I am off of work for the weekend!

Going for a small hike this evening

I stopped drinking coffee late in the day. All I can say is my sleep has improved. But I don't know if I like not having it late in the day. I miss it, to say the very least.

Edit: I had some coffee. Feel a little better.