Roll Call 196

Blue_Bird · Nov 26, 2022 at 01:22 PM

Hoping my sister doesn’t think my apartment is a mess. I always worry that people think it’s messy.
So I’m always cleaning while panicking and thinking it looks bad.

Anyway, I’m going to that DJ event tonight so that should be fun

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Blue_Bird · Nov 26, 2022 at 01:25 PM

I think I have some kind of like semi trauma from growing up homeless with my mom, also us getting kicked out of places multiple times as a kid because of my mom not paying rent or her getting depressed and not cleaning for a long time/ and her semi hoarder type tendencies. She wasn’t a full blown hoarder by any means but she had a lot of crap that just kind of piled up and she wouldn’t let anyone get rid of like old newspapers and stuff.

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Blue_Bird · Nov 26, 2022 at 01:28 PM

Now as an adult I have a constant anxiety that borders on paranoia of getting evicted. Even though people tell me I’m fine and that my apartment looks great I always still feel that way

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Sometimes psychotic · Nov 26, 2022 at 02:34 PM

Bluebird I feel like you’re dealing with trauma….I don’t know much about it except that a lot of the common cbt style therapy doesn’t work so well for that. Can you talk to your therapist about trauma based therapy?

For me this is hard wired…like from the running from a lion days…

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Sometimes psychotic · Nov 26, 2022 at 02:34 PM

Got my groceries….not sure if I should cook today or tomorrow….

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Blue_Bird · Nov 26, 2022 at 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Bluebird I feel like you’re dealing with trauma….I don’t know much about it except that a lot of the common cbt style therapy doesn’t work so well for that. Can you talk to your therapist about trauma based therapy?

For me this is hard wired…like from the running from a lion days…

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Yeah I can talk to her about it next time we talk on December 13th

I always said that growing up with my mom was fine , I didn’t realize the effects it had until I was an adult though. The constant anxiety at like 8 years old of the fear of the inevitable eviction, over and over again. Once my mom got out of her boyfriends car, I was about 9 years old. She refused to get back in and walked home with me, she was drunk and I had no shoes on, it was well over a mile long walk. It was like 1am in the middle of the night. Crazy, at the time I thought it was weird but didn’t think it would affect me but all that chaos in my life at a young age definitely affected me

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Blue_Bird · Nov 26, 2022 at 02:52 PM

We have been talking a little more about my life as a kid though lately in therapy. Like about the constant moving around different places, getting evicted, multiple states, etc going to 3 different middle schools.

So I will bring it up more in depth when we talk on the 13th

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Desoxyn · Nov 26, 2022 at 03:28 PM

Is it a pathological error to have these fears BB!

But don't worry, it'll get better.

Blue_Bird · Nov 26, 2022 at 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

Is it a pathological error to have these fears BB!

But don't worry, it'll get better.

Thanks Desoxyn,

I’m working on things , hopefully over time things work out

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Blue_Bird · Nov 26, 2022 at 03:51 PM

Went to the DJ thing. Only stayed for 50 minutes because it was just me and one other person but it was nice. It was my neighbor from across the hall. We talked for awhile

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Desoxyn · Nov 26, 2022 at 06:49 PM

We have the power to be supercomputers.. with emotions/feelings.

That actions/emotion/thought triangle (That I learned in therapy) + All life cliches, they all connect together..

Basically, what I really want is the max potential of what I can be - And to go straight towards that. So no messing around.. I'm serious about it (Although I still like to relax).

It's just so incredibly difficult - Beyond what is imaginable (Literally). But it can be done...

Desoxyn · Nov 26, 2022 at 06:55 PM

Just the way that I react to this weird reality... All misunderstood (By me, by everyone around me)... And I don't want to judge others, like "He/she should be thinking this way/most people x etc"

I don't really use social media anymore.. I can't stand it. It's just personal progress to make for myself, and uplift anyone (Remember the garden tending thing?) - So yeah..

And since everything is incomplete, I have to really put in a lot of work (Reading, listening, experiencing, learning).. And it's all of what I wanted to do my whole life... I just feel like..

I need to tell people about things that I find.. But maybe that's why people stay alone for such long periods of time. For me, it was against my own will (Although I played a role in isolating myself) - So none of that will be done this time..

It's a lot of "unlearning" that has been happening past 6 years.

Desoxyn · Nov 26, 2022 at 06:58 PM

These also count as some "telling" of the progression/story. And I realize that I say the right things to the wrong people.. So I still expect to talk as if I am going to be ignored (Idk if that will ever stop - Only when I finally can heal, maybe in the end of it all - But all I can imagine is to die alone, because it's true).

We are born and die alone.

Blue_Bird · Nov 26, 2022 at 07:04 PM

desoxyn, I hope you're okay

Blue_Bird · Nov 26, 2022 at 07:07 PM

I need to meditate tonight, haven't meditated really in over a week

Blue_Bird · Nov 26, 2022 at 07:11 PM

I had fun socializing with my friend today. Was really nice to talk to someone because I hadn’t really talked to anyone out loud since like Tuesday

My sister is bringing some decaf coffee over tomorrow so we can have coffee with our pumpkin bread. Will be nice to see her. Been a year since we spent any time together

Still doing the no caffeine thing (occasionally a day here and there I’ll have a small amount in an iced matcha latte) but aside from that none.

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Blue_Bird · Nov 26, 2022 at 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Got my groceries….not sure if I should cook today or tomorrow….

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Did you end up cooking today?

I’m gonna cook my turkey for Christmas, I need to figure out some recipes and stuff though for things to do with the leftovers. I want to make some sort of turkey casserole with some of the leftovers

Just found a recipe for a creamy turkey noodle casserole on Pinterest

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Blue_Bird · Nov 26, 2022 at 08:55 PM

Did some guided meditations then took a shower. Picked out a nice outfit for tomorrow since I don’t want to look like a mess when my sister comes over. An olive green shirt and a black cardigan and jeans. I just feel like dressing up a little anyway though because I’ve been wearing leggings and tshirts the past several days

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Sometimes psychotic · Nov 26, 2022 at 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Did you end up cooking today?

I’m gonna cook my turkey for Christmas, I need to figure out some recipes and stuff though for things to do with the leftovers. I want to make some sort of turkey casserole with some of the leftovers

Just found a recipe for a creamy turkey noodle casserole on Pinterest

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I did! It turned out ok…but they were out of sage which I wanted to add.

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Desoxyn · Nov 27, 2022 at 12:07 AM

Cough syrup (DXM) is an antidepressant now. It's mixed with bupropion to extend its halflife.

**** I feel so bad. Everything I take, I have to no. 1 - Be cautious of my cognition. It sucks. I just want to be free. And I take what ever, anyways. It doesn't matter.

And I'll go on vacation very soon - I hope there's no problems with my mental state. But there likely will be. Any of the little creativity I had is gone. I can't talk to people - I don't want people looking at me.

But things will get better - It's just so fast and feels sometimes like I'm being skinned alive. The solipsism is bad too. The intrusive thoughts, not being able to pay attention. Rumination.

And it's all my fault - But who cares? I'm the only one that seems to exist anyways.

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Roll Call 196

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Sometimes psychotic Legendary Wise Elder Member Since May 2013 Location: Chicago Posts: 26,409 (SuperPoster!) 10 22.8k hugs given	Nov 26, 2022 at 02:34 PM #684 Bluebird I feel like you’re dealing with trauma….I don’t know much about it except that a lot of the common cbt style therapy doesn’t work so well for that. Can you talk to your therapist about trauma based therapy? For me this is hard wired…like from the running from a lion days… Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk __________________ Hugs!

Sometimes psychotic Legendary Wise Elder Member Since May 2013 Location: Chicago Posts: 26,409 (SuperPoster!) 10 22.8k hugs given	Nov 26, 2022 at 02:34 PM #685 Got my groceries….not sure if I should cook today or tomorrow…. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk __________________ Hugs!

Desoxyn Metaphysic Member Since Aug 2016 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 12,982 (SuperPoster!) 7 4,911 hugs given	Nov 26, 2022 at 03:28 PM #688 Is it a pathological error to have these fears BB! But don't worry, it'll get better.

Desoxyn Metaphysic Member Since Aug 2016 Location: The Netherlands Posts: 12,982 (SuperPoster!) 7 4,911 hugs given	Nov 26, 2022 at 06:58 PM #693 These also count as some "telling" of the progression/story. And I realize that I say the right things to the wrong people.. So I still expect to talk as if I am going to be ignored (Idk if that will ever stop - Only when I finally can heal, maybe in the end of it all - But all I can imagine is to die alone, because it's true). We are born and die alone.

Blue_Bird Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2013 Location: Hogwarts Posts: 36,729 (SuperPoster!) 10 14.3k hugs given	Nov 26, 2022 at 07:04 PM #694 desoxyn, I hope you're okay __________________ My Blog: https://livingwithachaoticmind.wordpress.com/ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi

Blue_Bird Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2013 Location: Hogwarts Posts: 36,729 (SuperPoster!) 10 14.3k hugs given	Nov 26, 2022 at 07:07 PM #695 I need to meditate tonight, haven't meditated really in over a week __________________ My Blog: https://livingwithachaoticmind.wordpress.com/ R.I.P mom 8/6/55-1/15/16 “All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi