Roll Call 196

Honestly I’m noticing myself mostly depressed as the day goes on. Like idk maybe the 50mg in the morning doesn’t last too long and it wears off.

Idk something to mention to my doctor when I see him after Christmas.

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I think someone (Maybe BB?) mentioned this.. Or WA - Getting more depressed in the evening.

For me, once I know that I'll go to bed, I feel a little better.

It's depressing. But meds can sure help. I have diagnosed myself with dysthymia (Depressive personality).

I watched some objective news. It was painful.

I'll continue listening to music. I'll make some effort into finding podcasts to listen to.

I was much better in an ignorant state (Even though I was in hell, alone).

The 1440 is pretty neutral if you want objective news you can read and therefore be selective.

I'm on a cleaning rampage today, I don't know why. Just feeling super motivated. Cleaned out my entire storage closet and got rid of tons of stuff I didn't need anymore. Also just did general cleaning in my apartment (swept, cleaned/sanitized all the surfaces, cleaned the tv and entertainment center) got rid of a bunch of random stuff in my drawer in my nightstand, organized my cabinets, got rid of stuff I didn't need anymore in there. Yeah just been on a cleaning spree and I feel good about it

This is what my storage closet looks like now, before I couldn't walk in there becaus there was too much crap

We're supposed to get 9-18 inches of snow tonight with some places getting up to 24 inches

was put on an older antipsychotic - perphenazine. Brand name Trilafon. Makes me sleepy so far

I was on that for a very long time with thorazine which is in the same class of drugs. But I got off it last January and switched to abilify because I was convinced it was making me gain weight so my psychiatrist switched me to abilify which she said is weight neutral. I didn't have any other problems from it than that. I'm doing better on the abilify though (still on the thorazine and mood stabilizer too) overall this combo has been the most effective for me. Perphenazine is a really good med though, I hope it helps you

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Feeling kinda of sucky. Depressed. SI/SU ugh. Don't see my T until the 3rd so I suppose it is what it is. I listened to a cheerful Christmas song a minute ago but it didn't really help. I need to go home (I'm at work) and sleep for about a zillion hours.

Hugs….

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You have Adderall mind RN. Feels good to have everything clean and organized.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow =/

I should write down what to say....

I don’t feel as depressed today. I’m mostly just restless and bored. Off of work until Monday. I ran some errands today (Walmart Starbucks and grocery store) but I spent most of the day watching tv and going through the same five social media apps (including this forum).

I want to do something tomorrow. But my sister is working and then going to a birthday celebration after work. She doesn’t really want to hang out with me and our mom anyway.

So I don’t know what to do. I’ll exercise tomorrow morning because I wake up really early and can’t fall back asleep. And then I don’t know. Maybe go back to Starbucks. Try to find something to do.

It’s just I don’t need to buy any food, I don’t want to go out for anything except low calorie coffee, I don’t want to buy clothes because I’m losing weight, and
I don’t need any trinkets or home decor.

I feel sometimes I just want to drive around and take in the city. Look around aimlessly driving from one side of the city to the other. But also that’s difficult because of the weather and snow.

Sigh. I don’t know what the point of any of this is.

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Enjoying some music, feeling euphoric today

This is how I talk when I'm depressed. Especially the last two

I always thought about just driving around. That's why I walk around town (When it's warm) - I would see people having fun.. My age, they'd say "What's up!?" - And I'd say nothing and continue walking.. I wish there were no social rules, and I could just walk up to a group of people and talk.. All I want to do is talk.. And share the beautify/absurdness of this reality.. People do that though.. So fair play to them.

I spent much time, venting and documenting into the Snapchat void, many summers.. They were beautiful though. An extra Vyvanse, stay up all night - I'd look at the stars, lie on the grass.. "Do I need a someone - Anyone? - Maybe.. But I'm okay alone".. Get coffee at Tim Hortons as the sun rises.. Listening to philosophers/music.

I can't tell you how beautiful things have been for me, alone.. I'd like friends, and had my moms friends - Parties constant. Smoking Sativa, eyes watering, podcasts. A true awakening, long time. 10 years, schiz gets better (If treated early and staying on meds)..

Enjoy the exercise.. I would have a run at ~12am, feeling my heart beating really fast, pounding - I liked it.. The rush...

But things change, over time.. Just got to reorientate yourself, constantly - Cuz.. Any decision we make, creates a new timeline. I'm more mindful about what I do - And how decisions create my own reality (Solipsism.. Something that can't be proven wrong). And our whole experience changes every second. We have to follow what is beautiful (Not like how I was - Skinny, tweaked out in the basement) - It has to be wholesome, real - Like what people post here on this Roll Call, about the simple joys, giving, gratitude, grounded appreciation for simple life things.

I just.. had negative symptoms since age ~12, then many years later, things kicked into pure chaos.

When I was ~18, I stole my moms car and started speeding. I also ran away (In the middle of the Canadian prairies) - Hopeless AF... My mom drove around, looking for me - I thought, "Ok.. enough of this.. w/e". And I had no friends. I waited for people to show up and they didn't.

Loneliness is common for everyone. At least it's not other realms of hell - Being skinned alive, withdrawing from heroin, etc. We will find our way. I recommend AGAINST, ending.. as it's a gamble. No one knows the after death, the pain left + We will die one day.. Maybe tomorrow, a year.. We grew up thinking life was a certain way, all values and tradition of society = Gone. Make way for the future, the uncertainty. This is the dream we chose to throw ourselves into (Before we were born) - And who knows if those people regret it... But life is short, gotta live the best - In the moment.

I wish I had the energy to make friends but I don't

Good morning, apartment building is having a holiday lunch today so I’m going to that later today.

Just up listening to some music and drinking coffee before I decide what to make for breakfast.
Lost exactly a pound in the past week. It’s a start. Just gotta continually make healthy choices and stay active.

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Looks like the holiday lunch was rescheduled to next Tuesday due to the snowstorm

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Good afternoon everyone. Hope everyone is doing fine. Which prompts me to ask: how is everyone doing?

I just made a coffee and I put two Hershey's Kisses in there plus some cinnamon. Hopefully it tastes good.

Friends are a lot of work.

Rn I'm pissed because I didn't get a job I took a test for for 1.5 hours. I mean not that much time but still I invested a fair amount of time in it. And the test was unpaid.

HUGS!!!! So sorry about that.

I've been doing crappy. Work isn't helping. Thank God I only have an hour left and then it is the weekend and we can close the chapter on this week.

I saw the psychiatrist - He cut the olanzepine from 10mg to 5mg (Cuz even Vyvanse doesn't wake me up in the morning - I was late for work this morning). I'll have some insomnia for ~5 days he says.

The Invega Trinza is every 9 weeks (Instead of 8 weeks) - Cuz I get tired AF. If I get psychosis/persecutory delusions, I have optional INVEGA PILLS to take.

He started me on Lamotrigine (Anti-seizure med) to stabilize mood.. Sadness (That I explained - That one night, before the vacation, I almost planned to KMS - After I would get home). That even recognizing the world I'd leave behind, there was zero fear. BUT.. Lamotrigine can help with DPDR.

BTW SP, before olanzepine, BENZOS always helped with DPDR episodes... I guess there is also mixed in with it, some psychosis... Symptoms overlap.. In 2020 (Before olanzepine), I was prescribed alprazolam, diazepam, lorazepam, clonazepam and temazepam. It was the nightmare that I don't want to remember.

But the DPDR has been a blessing to awaken me to "life", and that it's just a ride.. The great hallucination.