Roll Call 196

Hope you feel better and hope you can go on your Peru trip

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Yes that's how the phone call went , just a lot of me saying oh really, wow, okay , yeah, etc lol while she talked at me

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I had a really severe panic attack today like 30 minutes ago. I talked to my housing support specialist about my increased severe panic attacks and dissociation since bringing up certain topics with my therapist. She said it would be a good idea to call my therapist and leave a voicemail explaining that to her and asking for an earlier appointment. To be fair my therapist did say if I needed to talk to her earlier then I should definitely give her a call but I wasn’t sure if I should, I never ask for earlier appointments. But I’ve been a mess the past few days , so I left one.

My HSS also gave me a card with mental health text/phone lines etc so if I need to use those I can too

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I'm sorry about the panic attack, Blue_Bird! I'm glad you reached out not only to your HSS but also to your therapist. I hope your therapist gets back to you soon.

Thanks SK

I’m just gonna take some time to relax and focus on some good things (the cats, Christmas, etc) over the next few days while I wait for her to call back

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That's a good plan, Blue_Bird.

I should attempt SoundCloud rap

You should, I would listen

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I was doing good before the vacation and then just slipped downwards into some depression. I think alcohol is to blame - So I won't drink any of that. My mom got mad at me and took it away lol =/

My therapist called me back, she said she will be in the office till 7pm today so we are going to meet at 5pm today (over video)

I’m nervous as ****. I hope she doesn’t think I’m stupid for wanting to talk about this. I mean I know logically that she’s not gonna think I’m stupid for wanting to talk about something that bothered me growing up but I still feel nervous because I’ve never talked about it out loud to anyone before. The only person I’ve ever talked to about it was recently with my sister over text. I feel embarrassed as hell

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My appointment went well, I feel relieved. Just a trigger warning due to the topics

Glad you were able to talk about it.

I know when I talk about things it makes me feel better.

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Donating blood next week. First time donating. Red cross is having a blood drive near here on the 28th so I'm gonna go and do it

The one major truth is your own existence, and where that is headed (And even then, reality can schism - Go in a different direction, based on perspective, choices or random particle changes - Either in your brain, or somewhere in the distant universe..) - So what you know (At the time), that's it.. Forest tree falling, sound etc...

But I go right into the heart of fear to find pure truth. What stops me is my despair and the fact that it's painful to dive deeper into the thing - So I become addicted (Like everyone) - To something. For me, it's bad habits/distractions.. Either way, we all go to the same place. You can literally do anything and it can turn out the opposite of what you intended. That's how absurd reality can be.

Pray, meditate, relax.. Intertwine with higher vibrational frequencies/dimensions, communicate with God... I guess.. that the way, where we are now (With common language, in culture - Who I am, solipsistically), if I follow the right intuition, it could be okay (And the right way).. Cuz I'm stuck like this. Other peoples realities are really different though - But more likely, there's a spirit of this particular planet (And going to others, the future molds a different thing.. Like virtual reality - An alien life form bacteria seen through the screen of your VR headset - In 2050, teleported through consciousness, living through dreams)...

Imagine the plane that hit one of the twin towers. Imagine a person (And what their life is like before being gone) - NOW.. That certain person is here (You, me)... And we, as people... Have to go through years and years, and meet up and exchange experiences in the soul factory (At some time...).

If I wasn't isolated (And only have small moments of social interaction, then gone again for weeks), I'd be able to see.. Cuz isolation isn't a life.

And when the parties happened for (2019-2020), great things happened.. I was torn apart though, so many dissociative panic attacks. But I don't care.

You want to look at what is good (Tricky), true (Trickier), and what is beautiful.. (Pretty easy).

Maybe I am one of the damned that doesn't appreciate beauty from residual anhedonia and psilacetin wearing off (5 years later).

Basically, you have to rest, take it all in.. Have balance, and not think spastically like this - Even though it seems like the right things to say. And then I can understand better.

Can I do that in isolation and no suggestions? No. And over time, I need more and more novelty. I'll break down mentally, over and over again.. The cycle - Like we're all pieces of grass growing, ready to be cut. Each blade of grass is very similar, but different.

And I try to just simplify the stuff... But I can't. I'm being treated psychiatrically - And cuz of isolation, I was so screwed. It's like everyone treating me didn't care. And that's what you get from a ready-to-be, broken system.

Now after all of this, and how the world is.. Corruption, no transparency, people don't trust when they see so many lies. Protection.. protect protect protect, safety.. Find somewhere safe. Self actualization.. Basic needs are met, and the way it is with opportunity, etc.. It's just a mess.

And my mom judges people for being like my dad - My dad judges people for being like my mom..

I want psilocybin or MDMA psychotherapy - Cuz I can't mess up, doing it myself. It would just lead to trouble again.

I need healing now though... not later.. And then, there it is.. Tragic story for my family - Me, dying of heart palps.

So yeah.. I plan to meditate again... I'll try that for a while again first.

Blue_Bird kudos to you for starting to deal with your past traumas. I know it's not easy.

I'm feeling very strange here, in the nursing home. Like I'm almost not here. Just a ghost at most. My friend is going to visit me on Christmas Eve probably, and I'm looking forward to hugging him. I wish I could cuddle with him as we did before I wound up here. My thoughts are painful.

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