Roll Call 197

Near Christmas (When I had that meltdown), I was like "Fine. I'll flush all of my meds" - and as soon as I got up, my dad stopped me and was like "No don't do that"...

It can happen, but really not advisable. I never flushed my meds before.. Substances that are too addictive/harmful, sure..

But it's a bad idea. Say "I'll decide if I'm okay tomorrow - If not, then I'll flush them" - And usually, you're more calm/less impulsive at that point..

Just a regular fiction novel I guess. Kind of philosophically-minded.

And yeah, I decided to ignore my psychiatrist's call. He was honestly making me mad.

He was thinking I could get by just on Latuda. I can't do that. I need Abilify to help my mood out. My mood was going way south on his suggestion. My psychiatrist in Argentina thinks I need Abilify at this point as well. Yay for having two psychiatrists, one of whom is right. It just sucks to have to deal with one psychiatrist (the one here) who really doesn't understand things too well with me. And he is the prescriber until I leave. Luckily I leave soon.

Latuda just didn't help my mood. Abilify has always been my trusty mood companion. Lol.

I have to recover from severe abuse by narcissist. That's why I used all of the drugs. Always, there's turbulence and nonsense in my mind. I have to clear my mind. And it's the most difficult task possible, to be happy etc..

I will try and take the steps to fix this ASAP.

I'll meditate now.. On Dexedrine. Should feel like a powerful focus.

People say to stop watching corruption news.. But I can't..

I'm afraid of my coworkers too. It's not natural for me to be so afraid. But the same thing, "Smile" (A coworker always said, back then). Those things push me over the edge.

I don't want to be this dysfunctional, and broken. I want it fixed. It's the only thing I want fixed... My insecurities about what happened... And to stop being abused because of my post reaction to previous abuse.

Anyway, I'm just being stupid about this stuff. I'll meditate right now... How long though? 15 minutes.. And then I'll try and make the steps...

Ok.. So 10 minutes, I meditated (With a 40Hz binaural frequency).

I have to do the right things... Maybe I'm way too hard on myself - That I can't function. But that energy should get me somewhere.. idk..

I'm ready to CHANGE.. My waaayss...

Read This If You’re A 20-Something With No Sense Of Direction In Life | Thought Catalog

I played an rpg tabletop card game today, took an hour and a half to play through. It's a 1-2 player game, more if you include expansions, I believe if you combine sets you can have up to 4 players, so you can technically play perfectly fine by yourself if you want. So sometimes I play with my friend when I'm at his place cause he has it too or sometimes I play at home by myself because I also have the starter set and some of the expansions. I lost the campaigne today but that's okay, it was fun and a nice time, sometimes it's really nice to get absorbed in RGP/tabletop games that get you away from video games and other tech. It's a little more immersive, there's a lot of things to consider so you have to think a lot and use strategy.

I got the battery replacement and charger, and a card reader for my Nikon D70s. Here's one of the first pics I took today, not good but I am just now learning how to use them. Took me a bit to look things up and figure out how to get an image to focus, the image in my viewfinder was blurry until I found out how to turn on autofocus. Of course I'll learn a lot more. I'm having fun with it

I have some pics of the cats with it but I still need to move them from my memory card to my laptop

It's been a good day

I feel like my anxiety is a lot better since I started taking the trazodone. I don't know why, or how it's connected. But my anxiety has been extremely low for almost a week now. Like there's a community tenants meeting tomorrow and I'm not even worried about it, normally I spend weeks before it stressing myself out over it and being insanely anxious. However I am very tired, I finally got some sleep last night, I think it was a good amount. But by 2pm today I was exhausted again

My masked psychosis is still highly curious about the astral realm.

I can't put salicylic acid on my planter warts twice a day. I can barely withstand/do all of the things to take care of myself anymore.

My fear is that I'm going to burn myself out (Like when I was 16) - Few months later, I was having strong quasi-psychosis. Couldn't get out of bed. Quit my job. Didn't wake up for school.

I'm always late for work.

TMI but I think I may have a UTI. I hate it.

Otherwise my mood seems more stable. No self harm since last week, and not feeling super depressed. 200mg seems to be working.

See my doctor on Thursday.

I get a COVID shot on Wednesday!

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Hey everyone I decided to listen to my pdoc here in the U.S. Latuda is still working. I don't know I was just getting super anxious. So I have extra Klonopin to take before my trip and while I make the transition. And that is that. Anyway. Life is pretty good this morning. Hope everyone has a good day. Not taking Abilify.

Got three main things to do today

Around 10am take the bus to the grocery store to do my grocery shopping

1pm there’s the monthly tenants meeting to go to

After that (around 2pm) I’m gonna walk downtown to pick up my meds at CVS.

I slept really good. 9 1/2 hours. Spent some time playing with Mustachio this morning, she always drags her toy to me when she wants to play. She did that while I was drinking my coffee so I got up and played with her for awhile and am now drinking my coffee. Maybelle is doing well, she is getting even more comfortable around the house. Like she used to not lay in my bed but now she lays in there a lot and pretty much lays all over the house wherever she wants, like she owns the place. I’m happy to see it though. Definitely a difference from the first week I got her. She hid in the closet and sometimes the shower the entire day and would hiss and growl at me if I got within like 4 feet of her. She doesn’t do that anymore. She’s happy. She lays on her back to get belly rubs, she likes to lay in my arms. She’s really a sweetheart. She doesn’t like Mustachio bothering her but they are able to actually sleep within a few inches of each other which is a huge change. Before, the second Mustachio entered the room Maybelle would get pissed off and leave. And Mustachio was constantly harassing her and trying to wrestle her. Maybelle is 13 years old. She doesn’t want that. But Mustachio finally grew out of that, maybe it’s because she’s almost a year and a half old now. She kinda calmer now that she’s gotten older. When she was like 2 months old up to 9 months old she was a maniac. Lol

Sorry about the uti but I’m glad you’re feeling better mentally, glad you’re getting a Covid shot too. The last one I got was the bivalent one. Not sure if there’s any other ones out yet, maybe there are , but I got that in October or November

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Got my work done at work. What to do with the rest of my day. Lol. The eternal question. I am trying to memorize some scripture for my mission trip to Peru. I have like 4 verses out of 14 done. I need to really get on this.

I showed up for the tenants meeting and my friend showed up as well but they ended up canceling it because it was only us two that showed up out of the 50 something apartments.

I went grocery shopping. I bought a whole pecan pie along with my other groceries. I don’t know why. I saw it in the bakery section and figured I haven’t had one in a long time and I don’t see them often so I bought one. That’s one of my favorite types of pie.

My energy is kind of crashing again. It seems to do this Every day at 2pm. I just get overwhelmingly tired. I wake up with lots of energy. But by two I feel on the verge of falling asleep.

Just plan on reading my book today and watching some stuff on Netflix. Maybe learn some more stuff about DSLR cameras. My friend and I are video chatting on Sunday. They know a lot about this stuff and they’re gonna help teach me about it since I don’t know anything yet.

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I’m excited to start volunteering again hopefully in the spring. And start back at college in the fall. I’m hoping to volunteer at the library. If I can’t get that then I will try volunteering somewhere else. I’m sure there’s places around here that need help. There’s a lot of like food pantries and free clothing places in agencies locally that help people get free used clothing. I could help sort donations or something. A lot of those places I had used myself over the years when struggling financially before I got this apartment.

Just whatever place takes me I guess. Anything that’s not volunteering working in a kitchen and serving food , I did that and it was too chaotic and stressful. I nearly broke down in tears and was shaking during one the shifts one time. Where people could tell something was wrong. It was extremely embarrassing.

So yeah, gonna just try to get out there and do something I can handle so I can get some experience and then finish my associates degree also when autumn comes. It’s gonna take slow steps and I will have to push myself.

I’m starting to talk to people in the building and socialize quite a bit more. So hopefully that’s a good sign that I am improving on being around people.

I've been listening to some Japanese rock and it's really good

Enjoy the pie! Pecan pie is good.

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Ready to go home and zone out. Work has been okay today but sometimes it is challenging.