Roll Call 197

I can’t help myself sometimes. I see the bottle of alcohol there so I drink when no one is looking. I have to stop. Just one drink out in the open just leave it at that. No sneaking.

It’s just sometimes I want to disappear and I can’t help it.

If my mood was better I wouldn’t want to. Ugh it’s frustrating. I just wish I could be allowed and not judged for getting drunk. Instead it’s one drink allowed. I try to obey. I don’t do this all the time. I just need to escape sometimes.

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Do you struggle with indecisiveness? I'm just asking because that's one thing I struggle with a lot and I noticed in some posts you change your mind a lot on things, regarding the trip and Klonopin etc not judging, it's something I experience, just wanted to share an idea: One thing that helps me is writing a pros and cons list of whatever decision your making, and using that towards your final decision

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Video chatting with a friend tomorrow , she's good at photography and offered to give me some tips and show me more about how my camera works

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I’m sorry you’re feeling that way and struggling, I don’t have any advice but just wanted to let you know I care

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I bought a canister of vanilla Chai tea latte mix and it’s amazing. I had a cup while watching Stranger Things today, was perfect. Love the spices in it.

I can’t wait till it’s spring and the weather is nicer so I can go to the park and take pics with my Nikon, of the trees, the lake, the sky, the rose garden, general scenery etc it’s gonna be fun. Plus by then I should be pretty familiar with how my camera works

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I just don't have the ****ing energy to deal with life. But I will try.. as best I can.. to GET A GRIP

Holding onto everything won't solve the issue.. In a natural state, things flow accordingly...

I'm looking at my hands, catching the falling fragments of my mind - "Wtf are these???"

Wtf are these..

Thanks everyone for being so supportive about the trip. I am going to go. The thing that was bothering me was that I needed to find good providers for mental health down there, which I think I've finally settled. Given that that's in place, I feel a lot more comfortable going.

I hope things get better Desoxyn

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I did 13 minutes on the treadmill. Was only aiming for 15 minutes today so that’s fine. Someone came in to do their laundry (there’s a treadmill in each laundry room) I had to get off which is fine because I did enough. It’s just someone came in there to do their laundry and the used a LOT of bleach and the smell in the small room with the heat on and windows closed was getting to me so I just got off. Didn’t want to breath that in while working out.

In my apartment I did weights and squats

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I’m trying my best to be good. Not going to really drink anymore. Basically if I can’t get drunk what’s the point lol. It’s dumb but it helps.

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I video chatted with my friend about photography today. She was super helpful and it was great to have someone to talk to about it face to face and she showed me a lot about how my camera works and gave some good tips

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Just wanted to share my psych check up test that this site provides, I took this same test on here 10 years ago in 2013 and my score was 155 , 10 years later with good treatment my score is down to 95. I didn't realize just how much I improved until I looked at my past score on here.

This is todays score
Results after several years of consistent treatment

Trying to figure out where I can work part time. My housing support specialist will be back in the office downstairs on Tuesday so I think I’m gonna ask her if she can help me find some place low stress so I can put in an application and hopefully get something

I feel like I need to be working at least part time to begin getting adjusted to it. I haven’t worked since 2013 when I did a temp job in a warehouse. Which was honestly a ****ing nightmare. On your feet for 12 hour shifts scanning items the entire time and repackaging stuff that had broken plastic wrap. The only time you could sit was when you had a single break, a lunch break.

But I feel like I can do something that’s not as crazy and stressful as that, something to just begin the process

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I just need to face my anxiety, step out of my comfort zone and do something.

so I'm gonna apply to Marshall's as a part-time retail associate, my sister is gonna help me write a resume and submit the application next time she comes. It's also on the bus line so I can ride there and back


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I need 10 mg olanzapine at least.

I was so anxious earlier.

Holy! 200 pages

You have a good brain power - It seems to be wasted (Unfortunately) on extreme anxieties. If you can get that under control (In the future, don't rush), things would be a lot better =]

Don't worry BB.. Things will get better. I listened to a podcast about focus.. and it takes time to get into focusing (Constantly, for max 90 minutes - 2 hours), and then it takes time to get out of focus.. - Just like the ocean waves, the sleep cycles, night and day, the weather etc..

So for me, I always want things done now!, but I know that I can't just fix my life in one day... An important thing that my dad told me is "You don't have to solve/think about everything in one day - Just sleep, tomorrow is a new day".

I made lasagna today. My mom talked me through it but I made it.



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This happened to me when I first started drinking.. My mom told the liquor store to stop serving me even..

After the intense 3 year long substance binge, I survived - And then couldn't drink for 5 whole years (I was incapable of getting drunk because I would feel "full" after 2-3 drinks. I drank 5-6 at one time, and I felt like I was under water, and I passed out).

I became extremely sensitive to everything (Not just including a substance or med), and eventually, things levelled out.. I feel the dopamine from one drink.. And it's basically enough.. I chill out on a small buzz.

I think it could be because of the bad trip/psych OD, and then taking olanzepine.. I even feel dopamine from food (When I never used to).

Spirituality helps @fellow math/left brain.

Ok..

So idk what is exactly happening. There's too many thoughts, mental states, information etc. I'm trying to organize my life..

I had "heart spasms" before falling asleep.. So I quit the ADHD med this morning. I then read this article and realized that they are "hypnic jerks";

My Heart Jumps When Falling Asleep - What Does This Mean

It says that "caffeine" and "nicotine" can wake up the mind, and cause this to happen.. As well as "exercise soon before sleep" (Which I've known - But couldn't explain to anyone cuz they didn't understand, so I felt like there was something seriously wrong with me).

I wasn't very tired after not taking the Vyvanse.. I was less confident.. more anxious.. slow.. When I took it - After it kicked in, I could deal with what I expect my mind to be like (Cuz I could focus again).

I decided to quit the nicotine - But the withdrawal made my cognition worse.. So I'll do that another time. I quit caffeine for now.

I have to make plans though.. This morning, I expected myself to just stay in bed for a few weeks-months.. That's one of the reasons why I was so depressed (Cuz I knew that this would have to possibly happen)..

I'll figure everything out.. Any criticisms are welcome.

Thanks Desoxyn
Thankfully my anxiety has gotten a lot better this month, I have been socializing a lot. Also I video chatted with my friend today, I’m always nervous about video chatting with people for the first time (it’s a friend who posted here a long time ago, we’ve been friends on Facebook for a long time, this was the first time we’ve chatted over video) anyway I was nervous at first because I always feel awkward talking to people over video or in person but I pushed myself to just do it and I’m glad I did.

My anxiety is weird. The social anxiety is always present. I’ve been doing better with that. Pushing myself to talk to people in my building and go to social events.

But then there’s random phases of fear I go through. Like the fear of choking on my meds or food. The fear of dying while I sleep. They seem to come/develop out of seemingly nowhere then just stick with me permanently.

I read 72 pages today. So I think lately my focus has improved. At least the past several days. I also spent 30 minutes reviewing photography stuff and learning about it with my online photography course after I spoke with my friend.

I’m starting the process of pushing myself to do more things. Like one issue I have is I tend to go to the same stores/restaurants etc over and over. I never go anywhere new because I’m afraid of unfamiliar surroundings. Literally if there’s a store or cafe or something across the street from a store I frequent I won’t go in the other one because I’m afraid of going somewhere new so I tend to get stuck in my weird patterns.

Hopefully something comes of this job application. Even if it ends up being a disaster at least I can say I’m trying and try again

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