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Default Jan 20, 2023 at 06:26 PM
  #461
"No matter what you've done, you deserve respect. Even if you make mistakes, you're lovable. And it doesn't matter your looks, skills, age, size or anything... you're worthwhile! And no one can ever take that away from you''

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Default Jan 20, 2023 at 09:01 PM
  #462
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Originally Posted by Desoxyn View Post
"No matter what you've done, you deserve respect. Even if you make mistakes, you're lovable. And it doesn't matter your looks, skills, age, size or anything... you're worthwhile! And no one can ever take that away from you''

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God bless you, Desoxyn!

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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 03:10 PM
  #463
Been quiet here.

Not much happening. Mood is good. Eating not so good. I forget what’s normal now. I’m not counting but I still feel I’m undereating.

I feel obsessed. I just feel I need to lose weight.

Still washing my hands too much now. I try to go as long as possible before I have to wash my hands lol.

Otherwise not much. Except I wonder sometimes when is an appropriate time to have alcohol during the day. I’m just limiting myself to one or two drinks a day. Maybe today I’ll have a margarita.

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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 03:12 PM
  #464
Possible trigger:


I put it in trigger warning because it is related to food, it's not eating disorder stuff, I'm recovered from that mostly, I just don't want to trigger anyone

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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 03:20 PM
  #465
I got a Creative Haven coloring book today, it's a Christmas themed one, so I spent some time coloring on of the pictures today. They have a whole line of like 135 various themed coloring books. They are very detailed and when I'm coloring them they help me stay focused and mindful, and take my mind off things because I'm so focused on coloring every detail of the picture and picking out what colors I think would look good.

I've been reading a lot lately. My focus is better.

Been watching Stranger Things, and also Supernatural

My friend and I were supposed to hangout today but they texted me this morning that they weren't feeling good so we're gonna hang out some other day.

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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 05:01 PM
  #466
My mood is all over the place. For 4 days I felt so amazing and euphoric. Today I feel very paranoid, anxious, sui thoughts (not acting on them, just to be clear, just thoughts of being tired of myself and wishing I could get away from myself and my brain, my feelings), random urges to cry for no particular reason, the feeling inside is dread and I feel like a total failure in life. I seem like I have it all together (mentally) mostly to other people, mainly because I hide any negative feelings and stuff inside, I don't really express my feelings except to my therapist and psychiatrist occasionally. I always say I'm doing well and don't cry or get emotional around anyone, only in private.

I used to be reckless and impulsive, kind of outwardly a mess. Now I'm just a mess on the inside. I feel intensely amazing and euphoric a lot of the time, but on the flipside when I'm feeling negative feelings/depressed/paranoid they are just as intense. I just keep it all inside though and control everything.

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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 06:16 PM
  #467
I am a corrupted soul
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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 07:23 PM
  #468
Roll Call 197
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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 08:25 PM
  #469
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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird View Post
My mood is all over the place. For 4 days I felt so amazing and euphoric. Today I feel very paranoid, anxious, sui thoughts (not acting on them, just to be clear, just thoughts of being tired of myself and wishing I could get away from myself and my brain, my feelings), random urges to cry for no particular reason, the feeling inside is dread and I feel like a total failure in life. I seem like I have it all together (mentally) mostly to other people, mainly because I hide any negative feelings and stuff inside, I don't really express my feelings except to my therapist and psychiatrist occasionally. I always say I'm doing well and don't cry or get emotional around anyone, only in private.

I used to be reckless and impulsive, kind of outwardly a mess. Now I'm just a mess on the inside. I feel intensely amazing and euphoric a lot of the time, but on the flipside when I'm feeling negative feelings/depressed/paranoid they are just as intense. I just keep it all inside though and control everything.
Let it out here, we care about you either way, you don’t have to be +++ all the time.

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Talking Jan 22, 2023 at 10:06 PM
  #470
Spirituality really helped with my life, ocd/schiz, addictions, depression.

To a normal state.. Symptoms are still there, but everyone has some symptoms of everything.

It's just when I'm on less antipsychotic, I get agitated... And my cognition/mind breaks down - Into little pieces. I make bad decisions.

Since the universe is a big infinite fractal, big bangs are initiated with any of the smallest (>0%) noticing of things (Such as thoughts, images, feelings, actions, etc).

So I'm just dealing with it.. I guess. It is nice to know what I know now.. I still get depressed (Cuz of mental pain) - Basically, anything can happen. And we are masters of our own destiny... Any delusion can be analyzed and disputed.

What I really need is organization... systematic, adjusting..

I'll make an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. She keeps sending me to the community outreach, coffee connections and stuff... But I'm so scared of people. I just want to talk, I guess... I've been in isolation for basically my whole life (I self isolated mainly, avoidance).

Any criticism is welcome.

Just a big ball of energy and consciousness. Makes me really want to meditate.
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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 10:58 PM
  #471
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Originally Posted by Desoxyn View Post
Spirituality really helped with my life, ocd/schiz, addictions, depression.

To a normal state.. Symptoms are still there, but everyone has some symptoms of everything.

It's just when I'm on less antipsychotic, I get agitated... And my cognition/mind breaks down - Into little pieces. I make bad decisions.

Since the universe is a big infinite fractal, big bangs are initiated with any of the smallest (>0%) noticing of things (Such as thoughts, images, feelings, actions, etc).

So I'm just dealing with it.. I guess. It is nice to know what I know now.. I still get depressed (Cuz of mental pain) - Basically, anything can happen. And we are masters of our own destiny... Any delusion can be analyzed and disputed.

What I really need is organization... systematic, adjusting..

I'll make an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. She keeps sending me to the community outreach, coffee connections and stuff... But I'm so scared of people. I just want to talk, I guess... I've been in isolation for basically my whole life (I self isolated mainly, avoidance).

Any criticism is welcome.

Just a big ball of energy and consciousness. Makes me really want to meditate.

The coffee connections thing sounds like a good idea, I find the more I isolate the harder it is to get out. The more I isolate the more I avoid things/people and I stay in my apartment getting paranoid, depressed, anxious. I hope you can start going to them again, I remember when you used to go to them and I think you enjoyed them? It’s been awhile, I forget

We have coffee social things in my building , downstairs in the community room. It helps me get out and socialize a bit even if I just say hi to someone and make small talk for a bit. We have one on Tuesday

I find my mental health deteriorates fast if I isolate and stay in my apartment. Even if it’s just to go to the store to buy something I need, just to be around people and say hi to the cashier or something helps.

Sometimes I go downstairs to check the mail, or get water from the filtered water system down there, just get away from the walls in my apartment and my own mind.

I hope you find something that helps

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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 11:02 PM
  #472
I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where I belong in life.

I feel like I was doing better when I was in RCIA classes at a local church to become Catholic. (I actually finished that, I went every week for over a year, completed it, got baptized and confirmed) Then my social anxiety and agoraphobic tendencies got worse and I stopped going to church. I feel like I was also doing well when I was in college. Usually. I have no clue where to start getting my life on track. I’m 28 and have gotten nowhere, I’m a quarter of the way finished with my associates degree. I should go back and finish it. But how to stick with it and not let stress overwhelm me and drop out again.

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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 11:09 PM
  #473
If my life up until now is any indication on how my future will play out then I'm really screwed because it will be full of unaccomplished goals, ambitions, and me never getting anywhere. I'm starting to think trying to fix myself as a person and have a fulfilling life is pointless. I feel like a total failure compared to practically anyone else

I can't help but compare other people's accomplishments, jobs, college degrees etc to my lack of those. And the fact that I've tried so many times to be accomplished and continually fail or **** up somehow because I break down in tears when confronted by stress or conflict

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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 11:42 AM
  #474
Got 6 inches of snow, still gonna snow until 2pm today. I was hoping we’d get some , we had nothing but a couple non accumulating flurries the entire winter and usually we get several big snowstorms every winter. It’s not normal for upstate New York to barely get any snow a whole winter. Global warming is a serious issue. Several years ago we got many regular snow storms (5-9 inches) and a few times got 2 1/2 feet of snow. It just gets worse every year, it gets warmer, less snow, etc. the summers get longer and hotter.

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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 12:46 PM
  #475
87 days until I leave for Peru. I'm having trouble memorizing the verses but the director gave me some ideas. I'm like 51% excited and 49% scared/nervous.

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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 12:46 PM
  #476
Feeling okay but I have a Pap Smear today. Bleh. I had to get it redone because the doctor didn't get enough cells last time. Just my luck.

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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 12:47 PM
  #477
Kind of tired today though. I think I didn't get enough sleep. I couldn't get Zoey (my beagle) calmed down for a long time after we laid down. She kept barking.

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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 06:01 PM
  #478
I got out of bed at 3pm. Sad feelings. Mind is clear though.
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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 10:16 PM
  #479
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If my life up until now is any indication on how my future will play out then I'm really screwed because it will be full of unaccomplished goals, ambitions, and me never getting anywhere. I'm starting to think trying to fix myself as a person and have a fulfilling life is pointless. I feel like a total failure compared to practically anyone else

I can't help but compare other people's accomplishments, jobs, college degrees etc to my lack of those. And the fact that I've tried so many times to be accomplished and continually fail or **** up somehow because I break down in tears when confronted by stress or conflict
So I’m reading a book and it says relationships are
the key to happiness not career accomplishments etc. I know that sometime it feels like everybody else has more but you are an amazing person.

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Default Jan 24, 2023 at 11:29 AM
  #480
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So I’m reading a book and it says relationships are
the key to happiness not career accomplishments etc. I know that sometime it feels like everybody else has more but you are an amazing person.

Thank you, I just feel Ike ashamed that I don’t work right now, and that I can’t seem to finish my college degree.

I have a friend I spend time with (doesn’t live in this building) that’s the only irl friend that I have aside from people I occasionally talk to that live in the building.

I don’t know how to make friends

I have family but it’s really just my sister since our two brothers don’t talk to me. I gave up on trying to be friends with them. My sister is always busy and doesn’t ever really feel like doing things together. I occasionally ask if she wants to like go to a museum or something, she says yes but we never do and I can tell she’d rather not hang out.

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