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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 01:35 PM
  #481
 
Blue_Bird, you have come so far in the few years that I have known you. You are still very much young, at least younger than me, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I get feeling bad about yourself for not meeting some of your goals yet but it's okay. You have a lifetime to do that. I think the key to happiness is doing good. You do good by taking care of your kitty cats, helping out at your building things like calling Bingo and other things like that. I know it is easy to be down on ourselves but I think you are a wonderful person and I wish that you could see yourself how I see you. I think you are great!

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 01:39 PM
  #482
 
Trigger for women's health
Possible trigger:


I am proud of myself for sticking up for myself and telling him that it hurt too much. I think that is good self care. I hope I don't have to repeat this test now for three years. Sometimes it bites being a girl!

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 01:41 PM
  #483
 
Oh and my T texted me asking me to call her after the appointment. I did but then she said that she was on the other line waiting for the doctor (her doctor) and if she could call me back. I said yes. But she never did. So when I texted her this morning to tell her that I sent her copay via Zelle and that I set up the Zoom for our appointment tonight she was like, "Oh sorry! I don't know why I couldn't call back yesterday." It's okay. I was a little annoyed but she is kind of random like that. Whatever I have to say can wait until today though. It's not the end of the world.

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 03:22 PM
  #484
 
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Blue_Bird, you have come so far in the few years that I have known you. You are still very much young, at least younger than me, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I get feeling bad about yourself for not meeting some of your goals yet but it's okay. You have a lifetime to do that. I think the key to happiness is doing good. You do good by taking care of your kitty cats, helping out at your building things like calling Bingo and other things like that. I know it is easy to be down on ourselves but I think you are a wonderful person and I wish that you could see yourself how I see you. I think you are great!

Thank you SK, that means a lot to me

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 03:26 PM
  #485
 
Iím glad you were able to get your pap exam over with SK, I have to get one really soon and am dreading it

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 03:28 PM
  #486
 
Some photos I took today, the ones of my cats and the boots I took with my Nikon, the one with me with my Nikon was taken with my phone camera

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 03:34 PM
  #487
 
I need to buy myself some flowers at the grocery store or something next week. So I can practice taking pics of them. Iím running out of things to take pictures of in my apartment. And Iím not taking my Nikon out in the winter weather and risking damaging it.

Might be an easy way to get some nice pics since thereís no flowers outside now in the winter.

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 05:58 PM
  #488
 
I think it's great you have been getting more into photography, Blue_Bird. And I like that you share some of your pictures with us!

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 05:58 PM
  #489
 
PT tonight for my shoulder. It's been really sore. I hope it helps some.

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 07:15 PM
  #490
 
Thanks SK, I'm enjoying it, it's a fun hobby, so much to learn

I hope the PT helps

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 07:17 PM
  #491
 
I decided to try to stop drinking.

I lasted a day. I drank some watermelon vodka and an apple cider.

Iím just trying to be okay.

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 07:23 PM
  #492
 
Also I lost more weight so Iím finally under 300lbs. 299. Iíll take it. So much more to lose. I started around 380 or so.

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 07:32 PM
  #493
 
Quote:
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I need to buy myself some flowers at the grocery store or something next week. So I can practice taking pics of them. Iím running out of things to take pictures of in my apartment. And Iím not taking my Nikon out in the winter weather and risking damaging it.

Might be an easy way to get some nice pics since thereís no flowers outside now in the winter.

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Flowers are perfect because they grow and change every day.❤️

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 08:01 PM
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Flowers are perfect because they grow and change every day.❤️
Yeah that's true I need to get a vase for them first, don't have anything around here to put flowers in, no tall glasses or anything. then I can just buy fresh flowers every month at the grocery store and take pics of them until summer comes and I can go to the park and rose garden. Will be a good centerpiece as well, if I can keep the cats from eating them/knocking them down. I'm gonna try to get sunflowers

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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 09:02 PM
  #495
 
Going skiing tomorrow =]

Ket kind of caused an opening of the pain sensitivity in the centre of my brain (Wherever consciousness begins - Maybe by some transmitting device on some other planet).

But olanzepine kicked in, and helped greatly.

I freak out about everything though. It's like, I freak out... then I die. I just want to be on vacation again.

I need money.. Lots of money. I have to find a way.. But I also have to find a hobby/something I enjoy, that will help.. Being a psychonaut, future outcomes could be in my favour - Idk. The bar has been set by the schiz, for a while..

I just don't want to be a casualty of war/the government... Or just pain from other people (Evil hallucinations) telling me that the way I live my life? Is wrong, not good enough etc.. I just wish I could read history books for weeks, months..

Why can't I? In the past, there were no distractions.. The world was way more disconnected and less toxic. There'd be your neighbours, friends etc.. The 90's seemed like some of the best of times to just live in peace.

The 60's are back again (In the 2020's) - I have to be careful what I wish for.. and all to my benefit of what I accept anyways, still...
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Old Jan 24, 2023 at 10:33 PM
  #496
 
My mood swings are becoming too much again. I was doing really well for a long time, many years. I donít know why I brought all that stuff up to my therapist and psychiatrist from my past/ traumas growing up. Just felt like I needed to finally talk to someone about it all. It felt good to finally talk about stuff and connect some dots as to some of my experiences with mental health issues and what may have caused them (like the dissociation I get sometimes etc) but since then, I have had a lot of self hatred and sui thoughts. Also my mood is swinging from amazing, euphoric, to deeply depressed, in tears and all over the place and paranoid. Iím sick of it. I want it to stop.

I feel like facing some issues has just made some things worse, if that makes any sense

I see my therapist on Thursday. I donít know what to say. Am I doing well? Maybe for a few hours then Iím not for a hour, hours , days or two. Then back to feeling great again. When Iím feeling great I forget about all the negativity completely and live in the moment and feel amazing, but when itís negative I get stuck in negative , sui thoughts and paranoia and anxiety that makes me feel sick with dread thinking cops are after me.

Feel like things are kind of spiraling all over the place

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Old Jan 25, 2023 at 12:47 AM
  #497
 
I wish I could help BB but I feel so bad. Hugs though.
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Old Jan 25, 2023 at 02:44 AM
  #498
 
Possible trigger:


Then looked at my FB friends list - Idk why I have high school friends on there.. I don't understand what happened.. with the AvPD.

And I listened to a song that my moms ex used to play in the truck, going everywhere.. "Wasting Love" by Iron Maiden. It haunts me.

I feel mentally disturbed. It's like every decision I can possibly make is a DEAD END. No matter what I do, I'm still haunted.

I hope this goes away in the morning.
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Old Jan 25, 2023 at 12:21 PM
  #499
 
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My mood swings are becoming too much again. I was doing really well for a long time, many years. I donít know why I brought all that stuff up to my therapist and psychiatrist from my past/ traumas growing up. Just felt like I needed to finally talk to someone about it all. It felt good to finally talk about stuff and connect some dots as to some of my experiences with mental health issues and what may have caused them (like the dissociation I get sometimes etc) but since then, I have had a lot of self hatred and sui thoughts. Also my mood is swinging from amazing, euphoric, to deeply depressed, in tears and all over the place and paranoid. Iím sick of it. I want it to stop.

I feel like facing some issues has just made some things worse, if that makes any sense

I see my therapist on Thursday. I donít know what to say. Am I doing well? Maybe for a few hours then Iím not for a hour, hours , days or two. Then back to feeling great again. When Iím feeling great I forget about all the negativity completely and live in the moment and feel amazing, but when itís negative I get stuck in negative , sui thoughts and paranoia and anxiety that makes me feel sick with dread thinking cops are after me.

Feel like things are kind of spiraling all over the place

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Just be honest with your T, they may be able to helpÖ.

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Old Jan 25, 2023 at 12:22 PM
  #500
 
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Then looked at my FB friends list - Idk why I have high school friends on there.. I don't understand what happened.. with the AvPD.

And I listened to a song that my moms ex used to play in the truck, going everywhere.. "Wasting Love" by Iron Maiden. It haunts me.

I feel mentally disturbed. It's like every decision I can possibly make is a DEAD END. No matter what I do, I'm still haunted.

I hope this goes away in the morning.
Hope youíre feeling better this morning desoxyn.

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