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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 02:22 PM
  #521
Have a video appointment with my therapist at 4pm today. Not quite sure what to talk about. I guess just about everything I’ve been dealing with emotionally and also maybe ask for some guidance on what I should do with my life. Where I should start.

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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 02:24 PM
  #522
Hope your therapy appointment goes well, Blue_Bird!

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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 02:30 PM
  #523
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Hi friends. I had a Pdoc appointment yesterday. Went pretty good. He confirmed what my T said--that I am having a lot of OCD thoughts. Of course no one says how to deal with them. Also the white queen is back. I guess she is a hallucination. She seems real. I haven't seen her in a couple of years. It gets weird though because sometimes I think people IRL are the white queen. Then I get disappointed when they aren't. If she is a hallucination, she's not a bad one. But I don't know that she is actually good. I ascribe qualities to her that I wished she had like comfort. But really all she does is stand there, watching me. Maybe she is silently judging me.


I used to have some similar experiences. I felt like spirits were following me and watching me. It would sometimes be comforting but other times it made me stressed and paranoid because it could be unnerving at times depending on what kind of presence it was. I started having that happen when I was 12 years old and it persisted until I got on APs at 19 years old. I remember sitting in class in school feeling an evil being watching me from the window and following me everywhere I went. Occasionally I’ll still feel like a presence in my home but I don’t feel like they’re following me out different places and I used to do that where I would think people in real life where actually theses spirits as well. Normally they’re not menacing like they used to be. I used to like get on the city bus and think that the presences that watched me at home were some random person on the bus that was the actual spirit. It was weird. Just kind of interesting to see that someone else has had a similar experience with that type of thing so thanks for posting

Anyway, I’m glad your appointment went well. I hope your OCD thoughts get better

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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 02:36 PM
  #524
Bought a Coke. I'm learning that grains help cause obesity. All this time they've been hooking us on grains. They're going to start substituting cricket powder for wheat. Some of it, I think. Probably not all of it at first. That's one way to stop eating grains.

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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 02:49 PM
  #525
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Have you ever tried exercise? I k ow you did great with hiking but in winter or when you’re alone sometimes you just need an exercise bike or something. Sometimes I watch these YouTube biking videos that look like you’re in the French countryside etc. so you get two natural relaxants, the feeling of nature and the exercise.
10mg of diazepam really helped, solved every problem.. I think not exercising is one of the main issues.

When I get ready for the day, I'll go for a run.. It's 46 degrees F (Warmest day yet this winter) - Oh no.. a deja vu...

Anyway, yeah..
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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 05:01 PM
  #526
I walked 5 minutes to a road (Where I usually run - Cuz there's no people) - Ran for 15 minutes (Heart beating nice and speedy), then walked back.. I'm gonna try and do this for 15 minutes (Every day, or other day).

I have a good amount of motivation (After the coffee especially). My lungs hurt from the cold, but that'll dissipate..

I took a shower, and then turned it on to cold (For good norepinephrine/dopamine increase)..

Now I'll mess around, plan the things (OCD-type priority).. Took 30mg of Dexedrine.. Should be good.

There's no problems today (Everything seems to have been reset by the good Valium sleep - And yeah I'll highly limit to taking only a few of those a month.. I guess, last night - I really needed it).

I feel really good though..
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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 05:11 PM
  #527
I want to meditate as well.. But have to plan.. things.. And read, books... Which ones to read? SP gave me a suggestion..

I should make a goal on how much I should read, meditate.. I just have to make a list of "healthy things", or put the most important things that I do, on one (Or a few) pages..
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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 05:13 PM
  #528
Roll Call 197

SK! You're too cute.
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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 05:19 PM
  #529
Talked to my therapist. We discussed the binge eating that I use to cope with emotions. And talked about how I've made a lot of progress though because I'm not purging or restricting anymore, and that maybe I can use some of my coping skills to distract from the urge to binge when I'm feeling upset. Talked about my progress I've made. Discussed the mood swings, that I've been experiencing lately again, she said it was part of my main diagnosis (schizoaffective/bipolar) and to bring it up to my psychiatrist if it gets worse. I told her it's manageable right now. It's better than it used to be. I used to be reckless, not sleeping, delusional, paranoid, and randomly stopping my meds. So in comparison to that I' doing a lot better, and it's manageable. I feel fine today. And to keep in mind that when I'm feeling horrible, I know eventually I will go back to feeling wonderful or neutral at some point. To write a letter to myself when I'm feeling really amazing, to read on a day when I'm depressed. So I know it won't last forever. I also haven't been in the hospital in 5 years which is amazing, because I ended up there so many times before, one time in the back of a police car. I've made a lot of progress even though I sometimes feel like a failure

We also talked about college, she said because I've grown and matured a lot over the years and am more stable that I might be able to handle it (the stress) this time, if I take one class at a time.

I'm also calling the main branch of the library tomorrow to ask about my volunteer application and figure out what happened with that and why I never got a call

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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 05:26 PM
  #530
Glad your appointment went well Blue_Bird! I like the letter idea!

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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 05:27 PM
  #531
I'm exhausted now. Work wore me out. Actually no. I think it was all the emotional stuff, hallucinations, stress. Etc. That wore me out. But now I am physically as well as emotionally tired. I want to go home, put my feet up, have Zoey lay with me and be comforted!

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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 05:29 PM
  #532
My friend is going away on vacation. i won't see her for 18 days. This is causing me a lot of stress/anxiety/loneliness/abandonment fears/etc. She will be out of the country. I guess we can talk via FB messenger. But it won't be the same. And I won't get her hugs. Boo. I asked her today to not forget about me. She assures me she won't. But IDK. I'm already almost crying and experiencing grief about it.

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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 06:16 PM
  #533
I'm very functional when there's 15-20mg of dextroamphetamine in my blood.. But it's so hard to keep it like that (Cuz it only lasts 2-3 hours for me). For the average person, it lasts 4-6 hours.
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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 07:26 PM
  #534
Oh no.. Heart beating 120bpm.

I hate this. Maybe I'm just out of shape. It was from the running.

I can't not freak out. But I'll try not to, and just ignore it. Once I exercise more, my resting HR will be lower.

I think this happens every Spring (After I start hiking at first) - Idk, I don't remember.

I'm trapped in a red hot glowing crystal prism of hell
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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 08:27 PM
  #535
I have pronoia again..

"Pronoia describes a state of mind that is the opposite of paranoia. Whereas a person suffering from paranoia feels that persons or entities are conspiring against them, a person experiencing pronoia believes that the world around them conspires to do them good."
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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 11:27 PM
  #536
I wish I could say the right things.

I drank some alcohol - Cuz I felt like I wanted to cry. I never wanted a hug, or anything like - This. And the anhedonia blocks 99% of how I want to heal.

And often when I drink, I feel so much pain that I do cry. I don't know how dysfunctional this is.

I just don't want to die before I feel these potential feelings - That's really what I don't want.

I know how careful I have to be, playing with fire. But isn't that what I've always done.. Why am I so afraid to do it now.. Why don't I take 10x the max dose of some drug.. Things have really changed, so much.. that there's no going back. I'm becoming way more mature.
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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 01:55 AM
  #537
No worries, I'm okay now..

There is happiness in life.. I work tomorrow - And go through the same, never changing... routine..

My dad and I FaceTimed and talked for a bit.. I just don't remember anything anymore. I'm so tired..
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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 09:15 AM
  #538
I am in South America. The trip was fine. I need 15 mg olanzapine though. Trying to get my doc down here to prescribe it. It's hard. Was hard, rather, since I've already taken the 15 mg olanzapine today. I don't know why they keep taking it away from me. It's really frustrating. Anyway. Hopefully the pdoc down here will agree that I just need the stuff, and keep me on it. I hate when doctors try to change things quite honestly when there's not even a problem!!!!!!!!!

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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 09:21 AM
  #539
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I am in South America. The trip was fine. I need 15 mg olanzapine though. Trying to get my doc down here to prescribe it. It's hard. Was hard, rather, since I've already taken the 15 mg olanzapine today. I don't know why they keep taking it away from me. It's really frustrating. Anyway. Hopefully the pdoc down here will agree that I just need the stuff, and keep me on it. I hate when doctors try to change things quite honestly when there's not even a problem!!!!!!!!!
I guess the only positive that came out of this latest switch (to Latuda only) was that I was able to come off of Abilify, which I learned was probably causing the most injurious of the side effects I was having.

Anyway. So now I know that.

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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 11:09 AM
  #540
Sorry you’re struggling Desoxyn, I wish I could help, but I’m always here to listen and offer support I hope you can spend more time with your dad , it seems you do better when you’re with him or talking to him

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