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WastingAsparagus
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Default Dec 25, 2022 at 08:43 PM
  #41
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I'm doing pretty good. Just noticing that I have more anxiety on the Latuda though. It's kind of to be expected though. I guess I just have to deal with it.
Kind of wishing I could go up on the Latuda. I'm at 60 mg.

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Default Dec 25, 2022 at 08:47 PM
  #42
I've been taking 2 mg Klonopin every day to deal with the anxiety.

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Default Dec 26, 2022 at 02:56 PM
  #43
Sorry you’re struggling WA

Angelique, I’m glad your friend was able to come over, that’s awesome

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Default Dec 26, 2022 at 02:59 PM
  #44
My sister texted me a few minutes ago. She said she really likes the pie, woke up and had some in the middle of the night. So I was really glad to hear that. That made me feel good because I was worried that she wouldn’t like it because I have no experience with baking egg custard before and I’ve never even had it before now so I didn’t know what to expect

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Default Dec 26, 2022 at 03:03 PM
  #45
The next dessert I plan on making is for St. Patrick’s day in March. It has a layer of crushed Oreos mixed with melted Andes mint chocolates, on top of that is a layer of mint buttercream (and some green food dye so it’s festive), and a layer on top with an Andes mint chocolate ganache. I told her I’d give her some of those too and that if there’s ever something she wants me to make specifically she can let me know and I’ll try to make it for her.

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Default Dec 26, 2022 at 03:19 PM
  #46
I’m reading a book called Legends and Lattes: A Novel of High Fantasy and Low Stakes by Travis Baldree

It’s set in a high fantasy environment and is about an Orc, she decides to settle down, stop battling and open up her own coffee shop, nobody else in the area knows what coffee is or us ever heard of it, so it will be difficult for her to get customers probably at first.

It’s just like a cozy type fantasy novel, with an orc running a coffee shop. Anyway I thought it sounded really cool and unique so I bought it and am reading and enjoying it now.

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Default Dec 26, 2022 at 03:23 PM
  #47
I had one of those weird hypnagogic (spelling?) hallucinations today when I was trying to take a nap. I heard someone whisper my name , and I jumped and looked behind me but obviously no one was there. Scared the hell out of my for a second though, I thought someone was in my apartment

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Default Dec 26, 2022 at 06:24 PM
  #48
My plan is to induce long term, stabilized mania (Increase in intelligence and energy).

26th of December, 2016 - That was when the big trip happened. The Earth revolves, 6 times.. What is important about the number 6...

"Six is the first perfect number. 6 = 1+2+3"
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Default Dec 26, 2022 at 06:39 PM
  #49
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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird View Post
I had one of those weird hypnagogic (spelling?) hallucinations today when I was trying to take a nap. I heard someone whisper my name , and I jumped and looked behind me but obviously no one was there. Scared the hell out of my for a second though, I thought someone was in my apartment

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Every hallucination I've had, I was too curious.. I wanted to know what was said. And yet, when it's over, I don't remember anything. Even musical hallucinations - Beautiful songs that I've never heard before, going into a trance state - Creating lyrics... All forgotten.

Apart from my name being called when no one was in the house... Fear, fear..
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Default Dec 26, 2022 at 08:08 PM
  #50
I haven't been doing well since opening up about all the stuff in therapy. I had a good Christmas, yes but to be honest I probably wasn't doing well before that but I held everything in internally in my mind but now I'm breaking down in tears everyday. I wish I wasn't alive but that's not an option as I have two cats I need to be here to take care of. I have a lot of self hatred , I'm 28 and have gotten nowhere in life and can't handle stress well, at all. I tried college multiple times and always end up having to withdraw due to deteriorating mental health. And bringing up all the other stuff from the past in therapy has just opened up like a damn bursting in my brain and I feel a lot of negative emotions lately.

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Default Dec 27, 2022 at 12:48 AM
  #51
I completely lost my ****, screaming at the wall and my mom says "You're being disrespectful" cuz she didn't want to talk to me for even 5 minutes about concerns with my meds, says "We'll talk about this in the morning"... And when she has work, she says "I have work in the morning" so it's like she doesn't care.

Isn't it disrespectful for her to bring her coke addict friends and other winos to a basement sweet with me, someones thats been to the ****ing psych ward multiple times - And then then gets mad at me for taking a shot of rum.

She's the "Queen of denial" she says, brings her wine to her room - Manipulates me by sulking and makes me feel bad. I can't talk to her at all. She thinks she's smarter than me but twists every word I say.

She could have just asked me whats wrong instead of making it all about herself. She's an evil neglectful, fake ***** to me at this point.

I can't stand her. I upped the olanzepine to 10mg again.

My mom has cluster B personality disorders - BPD, HPD and NPD.
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Default Dec 27, 2022 at 08:11 AM
  #52
It makes me really nervous that I'm leaving for Argentina in like three weeks and I am still unstable on the Latuda. I feel like my psychiatrist doesn't know what he's doing still. I know med changes are tough but making one before I make a major life change? Why did I agree to this? I just don't even remember why I agreed to this. Probably because my psychiatrist is a master manipulator. I am going to try just taking 1.5 mg clonazepam daily and see if that is better than taking 2 mg daily. Something is off here though. I don't know what to do. I am still on a little olanzapine and a little aripiprazole. Anyway. This kind of sucks.

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Default Dec 27, 2022 at 08:13 AM
  #53
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It makes me really nervous that I'm leaving for Argentina in like three weeks and I am still unstable on the Latuda. I feel like my psychiatrist doesn't know what he's doing still. I know med changes are tough but making one before I make a major life change? Why did I agree to this? I just don't even remember why I agreed to this. Probably because my psychiatrist is a master manipulator. I am going to try just taking 1.5 mg clonazepam daily and see if that is better than taking 2 mg daily. Something is off here though. I don't know what to do. I am still on a little olanzapine and a little aripiprazole. Anyway. This kind of sucks.
I kind of feel like I should wait to go to Argentina and just prove to my psychiatrist he's an idiot. But that would not be terribly productive.

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Default Dec 27, 2022 at 08:39 AM
  #54
Nvm, I don't think my psychiatrist is an idiot. It's just hard in the mornings sometimes.

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Default Dec 27, 2022 at 11:50 AM
  #55
So I think I have BPD, I have had literally every symptom especially in my late teenage years. I'm not so much extremely reckless and impulsive anymore though. I stopped self harm (cutting), stopped impulsive sex, stopped purging, stopped experimenting recklessly with substances, haven't done any of that in many years. but I still have a lot of the other stuff, the more internal stuff. I used to be suicidal a lot and end up in the hospital a lot but I haven't been in the hospital since 2017. So in a lot of ways things have improved greatly over the years, however bringing up the traumas from my past in therapy finally has brought up a lot of negative emotions out the past two weeks. I haven't been doing anything reckless or impulsive anymore, even if sometimes the urges are there, I've learned to control my behavior over the years with therapy and doing a lot mindfulness/meditation/dbt/cbt self help stuff. But these past two weeks have been a literal ****ing tornado in my head and my emotions are all over

I asked my doctor about this awhile back and she said she didn't think so, however I guess the point is I have improved a lot over the years and the meds I'm on do help me. So I have no clue

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Last edited by Blue_Bird; Dec 27, 2022 at 12:04 PM..
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Default Dec 27, 2022 at 11:55 AM
  #56
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It makes me really nervous that I'm leaving for Argentina in like three weeks and I am still unstable on the Latuda. I feel like my psychiatrist doesn't know what he's doing still. I know med changes are tough but making one before I make a major life change? Why did I agree to this? I just don't even remember why I agreed to this. Probably because my psychiatrist is a master manipulator. I am going to try just taking 1.5 mg clonazepam daily and see if that is better than taking 2 mg daily. Something is off here though. I don't know what to do. I am still on a little olanzapine and a little aripiprazole. Anyway. This kind of sucks.
Have you talked to your doctor about how you feel about the change and your upcoming move? They may be able to help you out, whether through a med adjustment, or any tips they may have

I hope you feel better and I hope your move goes well

Also med changes right before a huge change in life is probably not a great idea, are you going to be getting a different doctor once you leave? Maybe you can find someone who can be more helpful than your current doctor

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Default Dec 27, 2022 at 12:25 PM
  #57
Went to the store today to buy cat food and cat litter.

Spent a bit of time sitting outside in my apartment buildings courtyard too, just to get out of my own apartment for a bit. Its very cold so I didn’t stay out long. Talked to a few of my neighbors in the building.

Tomorrow I’m going grocery shopping then going to CVS then after that I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. Also need to do some cleaning.

Thursday evening I’m going to the movie theater with my friend to see the new Avatar movie

Then on Sunday I’m going to the same friends house and we’re going to play some trading card games and tabletop rpg board games, and play some videogames and I’m gonna buy Chinese food for us. Since we were gonna do this this past Saturday but didn’t get to because it was too cold to safely walk/be out for long periods of time. Will be a lot of fun. I’m looking forward to it. Will be a nice way to start off the New Year.

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Default Dec 27, 2022 at 02:02 PM
  #58
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Have you talked to your doctor about how you feel about the change and your upcoming move? They may be able to help you out, whether through a med adjustment, or any tips they may have

I hope you feel better and I hope your move goes well

Also med changes right before a huge change in life is probably not a great idea, are you going to be getting a different doctor once you leave? Maybe you can find someone who can be more helpful than your current doctor
Yeah I have a different doctor set up for when I arrive. It just makes me mad that the psychiatrist here wanted to make this change right now.

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Default Dec 27, 2022 at 03:29 PM
  #59
I woke up and was still mad at my mom, so we talked - She went skiing with my sister. I didn't want to go and stayed with my dad.

I was suicidal last night - My dad said that if there's any serious decision like that, to call him and he'll drop everything (Even his job, doesn't matter), and fly back.

I just wish I had that good feeling again (Like a few years after the big trip 6 years ago). My emotions are so cold. I don't feel playful/minded like I used to. It's the same as when I first started to get treatment. Fake smiles, not wanting to participate, avolition, etc.
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Default Dec 27, 2022 at 03:35 PM
  #60
I upped the dose of olanzepine to 10mg again. I'm still taking 25mg of lamotrigine. I'll see my psychiatrist in 2 months.

Until then, I'll try not to drink any alcohol. Every other day, I'll take a low dose of phenibut (In case socializing becomes too unbearable) and psilocybin tea.

I'd like to just take a good dose of psilocybin again but I'll wait.

And that's it.. It's not too irresponsible. I'm trying. It's really all I can manage.

I want to get into some flow state, learn psychology and neuroscience, try to understand what can help me - All of my interests are scattered and I have no idea what to do. I don't listen to podcasts anymore or read.

I'd like to just be somewhat happy and productive, not anxious about the news. I want people to stop thinking I'm sad and negative, or stupid. But I will be all of those things and have no chance in life if I keep getting beaten down every time I try. Maybe I deserve this. But I'll find out, if I become possibly pushed over the edge completely, if in the end.
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